Peace be with all of you -
The grass is turning green and tulips are in bloom here in Kansas City. I hope this finds each of you well and taking time this Lent season to "fast" from the things that keep you from growing closer to God.
For the girls and I, so many blessings are continually poured out on us from Him through our many friends and family. First, I have found and started a new job with a local company that will keep the girls within their support network and allow us to pay the mortgage. On the day I received the job offer an orchid that we received in July and has been dormant since suddenly bloomed -- it was like heaven was smiling on the event. The flower has since opened a total of 12 blooms and remains a reminder of looking for the wonderfully beautiful moments of His grace in our daily lives. Some of the other blooms coincided with friends birthdays, friends job offers, and many other wonderful happenings. Its color is purple - the color that represents hope.
The girls continue through school and Grace has missed much due to illnesses but seems to be back on the healthy side again. Zoe has turned 10 and has had another surgery (now 20+) and did well - what a trooper and I pray that it helps her continue to relieve pain and improve muscle functions. We are all looking forward to Grace's 1st Communion - she has a beautiful dress and thanks to helping hands of friends she will have her hair done up way beyond my skills for the event. I have wonderful girls.
Recently, I came across a quote from Alexander Graham Bell ...
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
The quote became meditation and inspiration for me as I realized that I did not want to be consumed with looking backwards at events of the past even as treasured and sacred as they were are now are behind a closed door. I am able cherish memories and times past but must move forward with the here and now - God isn't the God of I was. Nor, is He the God of I will be. He is the eternal I AM - he is here now in this very moment. I know many of you may wish Ann was still with us - holding on to the way things were. However, I believe she is serving you still now in your current moments in her capacity in heaven. Through a number of messages from above, I am receiving the clear message to see the open doors in my life. In a beautiful way, this is the message and lesson of the orchid - to be in the present and to enjoy life through serving others.
If this message finds you "regretfully looking at a closed door of your past" I pray this message of Springtime Hope may help you in some small way towards the healing you may need in your life as well.
God is so good and I am so wonderfully blessed.
May God's mercy and grace rest upon you.
Hal
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Jesus I Trust in You
Greetings all -
The title is from the Divine Mercy image revealed to St. Faustina. I find it is a good phrase to repeat to keep myself focused on Him rather than me.
Its ironic at times that I find myself thinking that blue sky is on the way. Wanting and waiting for the way of the cross to get easier for some illogical reason -- the reality is the opposite. The more we tune into His ways the greater the burden seems...and then, when we finally let Him take over, we laugh and wonder what the big deal was in the first place for it seems suddenly too easy. Sure the burdens and suffering are still there. However, instead of our puny ability to withstand then, we receive supernatural assistance and the burden is made easy and the yoke is light.
For me, trust is the piece that I need to return to again and again to give me the confidence in taking the next step. I know in the uncertainties ahead that Jesus desires to be with me, my girls and all of you. At each step, it is my choice, and yours too my friends, if I trust and let Jesus lead or if I try to do it the hard way (my way) first. How entertaining we must be to our Father in Heaven?
Zoe, Grace and I are back into the swing of school and work. Grace is so much looking forward to her First Communion - and I am too. Zoe is mere days away from being 10! That milestone somehow makes me feel a bit older. I am truly blessed with great kids. Most days I feel like we are getting the bare minimum necessary items done - as much as we try to slow down there is always the busyness of school. I wish there were more hours in each day so that I could spend 8 hours giving each of them all the comfort and attention they deserve. Unfortunately, that simply isn't the typical work/school day.
I am still in search of an answer to what the next step in my career may be -- I am blessed with some recent leads and help on this front. We are working on being more ordered in our day and week to simplify our days and make more room for prayer, family and friends.
God bless you.
Hal
The title is from the Divine Mercy image revealed to St. Faustina. I find it is a good phrase to repeat to keep myself focused on Him rather than me.
Its ironic at times that I find myself thinking that blue sky is on the way. Wanting and waiting for the way of the cross to get easier for some illogical reason -- the reality is the opposite. The more we tune into His ways the greater the burden seems...and then, when we finally let Him take over, we laugh and wonder what the big deal was in the first place for it seems suddenly too easy. Sure the burdens and suffering are still there. However, instead of our puny ability to withstand then, we receive supernatural assistance and the burden is made easy and the yoke is light.
For me, trust is the piece that I need to return to again and again to give me the confidence in taking the next step. I know in the uncertainties ahead that Jesus desires to be with me, my girls and all of you. At each step, it is my choice, and yours too my friends, if I trust and let Jesus lead or if I try to do it the hard way (my way) first. How entertaining we must be to our Father in Heaven?
Zoe, Grace and I are back into the swing of school and work. Grace is so much looking forward to her First Communion - and I am too. Zoe is mere days away from being 10! That milestone somehow makes me feel a bit older. I am truly blessed with great kids. Most days I feel like we are getting the bare minimum necessary items done - as much as we try to slow down there is always the busyness of school. I wish there were more hours in each day so that I could spend 8 hours giving each of them all the comfort and attention they deserve. Unfortunately, that simply isn't the typical work/school day.
I am still in search of an answer to what the next step in my career may be -- I am blessed with some recent leads and help on this front. We are working on being more ordered in our day and week to simplify our days and make more room for prayer, family and friends.
God bless you.
Hal
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Back to the routine...
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all.
We have had a good break from our normal routine to celebrate Jesus' Birthday and to enjoy some good family times together. There were also many great times with several of our friends as well. Certainly, things were different this year and each of us had moments where we needed to take a moment to remember Ann and long for her to still be with us physically.
We didn't do everything that would have normally been done -- that was completely ok as Christ isn't in the cookies... I have to say though that I learned a lot about the immense planning and details that I took for granted in the past -- beyond the cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, dinners, cards, decorations, etc.. Wow -- its a lot to do. Not that I slacked before, but I never really fully appreciated all that was done. Fellas -- if you're reading this please take a moment to thank your wife for all that she does.
In the past few weeks, God has given me the grace to be in the moment and really appreciate the beauty of my daughters and how if the moment is just right how much they reflect their mother's beauty as well. I am blessed with their love and pray that I may lead them closer to Jesus this year through daily prayer and all the love I can channel from Him to them.
We have continued to be touched by the Father's Love in many ways through you -- in your prayers and thoughtfulness in actions. I thank you over and over again.
Hal
We have had a good break from our normal routine to celebrate Jesus' Birthday and to enjoy some good family times together. There were also many great times with several of our friends as well. Certainly, things were different this year and each of us had moments where we needed to take a moment to remember Ann and long for her to still be with us physically.
We didn't do everything that would have normally been done -- that was completely ok as Christ isn't in the cookies... I have to say though that I learned a lot about the immense planning and details that I took for granted in the past -- beyond the cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, dinners, cards, decorations, etc.. Wow -- its a lot to do. Not that I slacked before, but I never really fully appreciated all that was done. Fellas -- if you're reading this please take a moment to thank your wife for all that she does.
In the past few weeks, God has given me the grace to be in the moment and really appreciate the beauty of my daughters and how if the moment is just right how much they reflect their mother's beauty as well. I am blessed with their love and pray that I may lead them closer to Jesus this year through daily prayer and all the love I can channel from Him to them.
We have continued to be touched by the Father's Love in many ways through you -- in your prayers and thoughtfulness in actions. I thank you over and over again.
Hal
Monday, November 15, 2010
Balance or balancing act...
Peace be with you all.
I have a free moment and thought that I should update the blog -- it amazes me that we're soon to be 4 months past Ann's death. I must say that every day Zoe, Grace and I and so many of you too miss her in so many ways.
Yes. There are moments of joy in our struggles too -- Grace has had her 8th birthday with much pageantry and fanfare. She has also received her 1st reconciliation this past weekend and was happy as she is one step closer to her 1st Communion.
Fall sports are over -- Zoe's volleyball team took 2nd place in an end of year tournament and Grace finished up soccer. I must admit that I am relieved of some of the burden and busyness of practices and games. Often with the girls needing to be in two places at the same time, I am thankful for many of you that were so generous to help.
Mostly, these past months have been all about the daily school / work activities that test our virtue of perseverance. I remain in search of a new employment opportunity as the expectation still is that the office I work at will be moved to Denver.
I feel we are still in survival mode on most days and am pleased that no one has gone hungry, dirty, or unloved. We trust God to care for us and as long as we keep our focus on Him rather than the trivial, self made, expectations we give ourselves to carry the day is good.
I took the opportunity to attend a talk on Saturday put on by the Apostles of the Interior Life where the speaker's meditation was on "Balance". She reminded me of how backwards our culture has it when it comes to creating that holy balance in our lives. My typical approach in the past has been to give a slice of time and talent to a lengthy list of to-do's and expectations -- a balancing act; I covered all the bases but not with the holy care they deserved. The reality was that many of those items really were of my own creation and not God's will for me. Nothing that was evil or bad per se just busyness. Sister Elena reminded us that we need to be properly ordered first for God then for relationships with others and ourselves. Way down the priority list would be the acquiring and care of material things. How strange this approach is in our world. How liberating to not chase after things that will not pass with us to heaven.
I am guilty of many years of not seeing God's beauty in His creation - including the creation of His people. I tell you that I have witnessed many beautiful sights in nature this fall, but I am really enjoying this new ability to enjoy each of you that I meet and interact with daily. Of course, this seems easiest to see in my daughters -- how beautiful, how wonderfully made! It amazes me how many times we can be awe struck by an impressive sunset -- do we find the same awe in a friend, a family member or perhaps a stranger? Mother Teresa would call this finding Jesus in disguise of others. I endeavor each moment to soak in the beauty God has put in this world in the others that I meet.
I pray for you that you too see this beauty and can work on balance.
God Bless
Hal
I have a free moment and thought that I should update the blog -- it amazes me that we're soon to be 4 months past Ann's death. I must say that every day Zoe, Grace and I and so many of you too miss her in so many ways.
Yes. There are moments of joy in our struggles too -- Grace has had her 8th birthday with much pageantry and fanfare. She has also received her 1st reconciliation this past weekend and was happy as she is one step closer to her 1st Communion.
Fall sports are over -- Zoe's volleyball team took 2nd place in an end of year tournament and Grace finished up soccer. I must admit that I am relieved of some of the burden and busyness of practices and games. Often with the girls needing to be in two places at the same time, I am thankful for many of you that were so generous to help.
Mostly, these past months have been all about the daily school / work activities that test our virtue of perseverance. I remain in search of a new employment opportunity as the expectation still is that the office I work at will be moved to Denver.
I feel we are still in survival mode on most days and am pleased that no one has gone hungry, dirty, or unloved. We trust God to care for us and as long as we keep our focus on Him rather than the trivial, self made, expectations we give ourselves to carry the day is good.
I took the opportunity to attend a talk on Saturday put on by the Apostles of the Interior Life where the speaker's meditation was on "Balance". She reminded me of how backwards our culture has it when it comes to creating that holy balance in our lives. My typical approach in the past has been to give a slice of time and talent to a lengthy list of to-do's and expectations -- a balancing act; I covered all the bases but not with the holy care they deserved. The reality was that many of those items really were of my own creation and not God's will for me. Nothing that was evil or bad per se just busyness. Sister Elena reminded us that we need to be properly ordered first for God then for relationships with others and ourselves. Way down the priority list would be the acquiring and care of material things. How strange this approach is in our world. How liberating to not chase after things that will not pass with us to heaven.
I am guilty of many years of not seeing God's beauty in His creation - including the creation of His people. I tell you that I have witnessed many beautiful sights in nature this fall, but I am really enjoying this new ability to enjoy each of you that I meet and interact with daily. Of course, this seems easiest to see in my daughters -- how beautiful, how wonderfully made! It amazes me how many times we can be awe struck by an impressive sunset -- do we find the same awe in a friend, a family member or perhaps a stranger? Mother Teresa would call this finding Jesus in disguise of others. I endeavor each moment to soak in the beauty God has put in this world in the others that I meet.
I pray for you that you too see this beauty and can work on balance.
God Bless
Hal
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day by Day
Peace be with all of you.
I am sorry that it has been so long since I've posted an update. We have had many ups and downs -- usually many times a day and we take each as they come. School has started back in full swing and I've learned that coordinating the activities and all of the school & household chores is a lot of work. For you married folk out there, I pray that you appreciate the gift of each other. My girls are learning to chip in more and more and become helpful and responsible (or at least some of the time).
We have forgotten a couple of lunches and bringing Grace's class a snack to school but I must say that for the most part the kids are where they need to be and completing their school work. My hat is off to all of the single parents out there -- I never knew how much relentless work you experienced. I have learned to take a break from many of my own personal activities in favor of providing more of me to my kids -- at least for now.
We continue to experience His love around us and we spend more time simply appreciating a beautiful sunset that God provides as an amazing display of His beauty through nature. I notice the beauty of my girls much more and try to be conscious to soak in them to be with them in the moment. I pray that being busy (Martha as Ann would say) does not take me or you over. We are finding the blessing of rest on Sunday -- no chores just time together. These girls are such a precious gift and I wish I was able to do more for them. In the end, I know that His love is sufficient for them as well as myself. I pray that I can draw them closer to Him.
We have completed the burial of Ann's remains -- she is in Resurrection Cemetery if you want to stop by the grave. We have attended many Masses offered for her and prayed countless prayers. The girls both have different grieving activities as I know many of you do as well having talked with some of you. I myself struggle at times too - I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes, ... you get the idea -- but, at the same time, I do not feel that she is not with me. We truly knew that God brought us to our soul mate and that has not ceased even in her death. I continue to be hopeful and want to encourage you to keep focused on the life to come, to trust God in all that you do, to seek His will over your own, and to share your gifts with each other in acts of love / charity.
I do have two other news worthy topics to share with you.
First, Ann's mom died last Friday. August 17, 2010 -- two months to the day later than her daughter. I pray they are together in heaven. Please pray for Glendore McLaughlin.
Second, the CEO of our company informed us a couple of weeks ago that the long term plan would be for the corporate office and accompanying services where I work will be relocated to Denver within the next 2 years (or sooner). For the good of my girls, I will not be able to make that transition -- so, if you know of any good companies in need of an IT guy (Project Manager in Healthcare) please let me know.
Yes - some days it does seem like the book of Job has much to offer for reflection. Perhaps its best said by Mother Teresa ... "Do something beautiful for God today".
My prayers will be with you all.
Hal
I am sorry that it has been so long since I've posted an update. We have had many ups and downs -- usually many times a day and we take each as they come. School has started back in full swing and I've learned that coordinating the activities and all of the school & household chores is a lot of work. For you married folk out there, I pray that you appreciate the gift of each other. My girls are learning to chip in more and more and become helpful and responsible (or at least some of the time).
We have forgotten a couple of lunches and bringing Grace's class a snack to school but I must say that for the most part the kids are where they need to be and completing their school work. My hat is off to all of the single parents out there -- I never knew how much relentless work you experienced. I have learned to take a break from many of my own personal activities in favor of providing more of me to my kids -- at least for now.
We continue to experience His love around us and we spend more time simply appreciating a beautiful sunset that God provides as an amazing display of His beauty through nature. I notice the beauty of my girls much more and try to be conscious to soak in them to be with them in the moment. I pray that being busy (Martha as Ann would say) does not take me or you over. We are finding the blessing of rest on Sunday -- no chores just time together. These girls are such a precious gift and I wish I was able to do more for them. In the end, I know that His love is sufficient for them as well as myself. I pray that I can draw them closer to Him.
We have completed the burial of Ann's remains -- she is in Resurrection Cemetery if you want to stop by the grave. We have attended many Masses offered for her and prayed countless prayers. The girls both have different grieving activities as I know many of you do as well having talked with some of you. I myself struggle at times too - I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes, ... you get the idea -- but, at the same time, I do not feel that she is not with me. We truly knew that God brought us to our soul mate and that has not ceased even in her death. I continue to be hopeful and want to encourage you to keep focused on the life to come, to trust God in all that you do, to seek His will over your own, and to share your gifts with each other in acts of love / charity.
I do have two other news worthy topics to share with you.
First, Ann's mom died last Friday. August 17, 2010 -- two months to the day later than her daughter. I pray they are together in heaven. Please pray for Glendore McLaughlin.
Second, the CEO of our company informed us a couple of weeks ago that the long term plan would be for the corporate office and accompanying services where I work will be relocated to Denver within the next 2 years (or sooner). For the good of my girls, I will not be able to make that transition -- so, if you know of any good companies in need of an IT guy (Project Manager in Healthcare) please let me know.
Yes - some days it does seem like the book of Job has much to offer for reflection. Perhaps its best said by Mother Teresa ... "Do something beautiful for God today".
My prayers will be with you all.
Hal
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
How Beautiful
Peace be with all of you.
I must start by saying thank you to everyone who has called, written, attended the visitation, and the funeral. Thank you; Thank you; Thank you.
It was apparent to all just how much you all love Ann and our family with an estimated 500+ people at the funeral. It is also apparent how much that God loves us and how touching it is as you care for one another as well.
I have witnessed many beautiful scenes of nature, the birth of my children, my wife on our wedding day... I must say the way that all reached out through the visitation and funeral transformed that time into something sacred, holy and beautiful for me. Odd as that may sound, I felt the Father's love through each hug, kiss, and tear shed with you. He is surrounding us with love the way that only He can. I have learned that when God decides to show you His love that it will be through a broad array of people, nature, sounds, smells, and touch. Without taking a moment to step back to see He is at work, we may write something off as a coincidence -- I try not to if I can.
The funeral itself started with the same song that Ann walked down the isle last year for our 10 year wedding vow renewal -- "How Beautiful". It was an emotional moment for me as I followed the casket into church all the time refecting on the joy I felt last year versus the pain I was feeling now. It was hard -- as the Mass proceeded I was touched by all the ways that many of you contributed to having this be a beautiful goodbye for Ann. I was very touched by the homily from Fr. Craig -- it was spot on. Perhaps I will be able to get the text and post it here for all to read. The music was beautiful (many of Ann's favorites) the readings seemed written specifically for the occassion even though they come straight from scripture and I couldn't have hoped for things to have been any better.
I have had many prayers in these past few weeks -- God is gracious and merciful to us and has answered many of these prayers -- we are so blessed. Now, my family is pursuing a new "normal". We are working through getting setup for school and the logistics that are involved. My parents have been so helpful -- as well as many of you too; thank you. I don't think Zoe, Grace and I really know what "normal" looks like ourselves -- other than that the 3 of us are closer than ever before and we have learned to slow down and enjoy each other. Sure there are struggles each day -- we are working through them; the greiving will certainly be long and at times tough but know that our trust remains in God and He will provide the graces to us that are needed in just the moment that we need them.
To all that wonder what is next, I pray this motivation you feel to help via the Holy Spirit continues and that you seek a way to reach out in love to those around you wherever that may be and share the gifts that you have been given. Do not dispair. God is faithful and good - He loves each of us beyond all measure.
Sounds simple huh? Perhaps, but I believe that is exactly what we are called to do each moment of our day -- I just need not to make it more complicated... How beautiful is the body of Christ...
Hal
I must start by saying thank you to everyone who has called, written, attended the visitation, and the funeral. Thank you; Thank you; Thank you.
It was apparent to all just how much you all love Ann and our family with an estimated 500+ people at the funeral. It is also apparent how much that God loves us and how touching it is as you care for one another as well.
I have witnessed many beautiful scenes of nature, the birth of my children, my wife on our wedding day... I must say the way that all reached out through the visitation and funeral transformed that time into something sacred, holy and beautiful for me. Odd as that may sound, I felt the Father's love through each hug, kiss, and tear shed with you. He is surrounding us with love the way that only He can. I have learned that when God decides to show you His love that it will be through a broad array of people, nature, sounds, smells, and touch. Without taking a moment to step back to see He is at work, we may write something off as a coincidence -- I try not to if I can.
The funeral itself started with the same song that Ann walked down the isle last year for our 10 year wedding vow renewal -- "How Beautiful". It was an emotional moment for me as I followed the casket into church all the time refecting on the joy I felt last year versus the pain I was feeling now. It was hard -- as the Mass proceeded I was touched by all the ways that many of you contributed to having this be a beautiful goodbye for Ann. I was very touched by the homily from Fr. Craig -- it was spot on. Perhaps I will be able to get the text and post it here for all to read. The music was beautiful (many of Ann's favorites) the readings seemed written specifically for the occassion even though they come straight from scripture and I couldn't have hoped for things to have been any better.
I have had many prayers in these past few weeks -- God is gracious and merciful to us and has answered many of these prayers -- we are so blessed. Now, my family is pursuing a new "normal". We are working through getting setup for school and the logistics that are involved. My parents have been so helpful -- as well as many of you too; thank you. I don't think Zoe, Grace and I really know what "normal" looks like ourselves -- other than that the 3 of us are closer than ever before and we have learned to slow down and enjoy each other. Sure there are struggles each day -- we are working through them; the greiving will certainly be long and at times tough but know that our trust remains in God and He will provide the graces to us that are needed in just the moment that we need them.
To all that wonder what is next, I pray this motivation you feel to help via the Holy Spirit continues and that you seek a way to reach out in love to those around you wherever that may be and share the gifts that you have been given. Do not dispair. God is faithful and good - He loves each of us beyond all measure.
Sounds simple huh? Perhaps, but I believe that is exactly what we are called to do each moment of our day -- I just need not to make it more complicated... How beautiful is the body of Christ...
Hal
Monday, July 19, 2010
Ann's Goodbye Ceremonies
Peace be with you...
I wanted to get some quick information about visitation and funeral out to you that are wise with technology.
Her visitation will be on Wednesday night from 6-8 pm with a rosary following. The funeral will be on Thursday morning at 10 am. Both of these events will be at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Shawnee, KS.
5501 Monticello Rd, Shawnee, KS 66226
The funeral home taking care of all of the arrangements is Alden Harrington Funeral Home (913)422-4074
We are asking that any donations in lieu of flowers be made to the Sacred Heart of Jesus School Endowment Fund.
With love and prayer.
Hal
I wanted to get some quick information about visitation and funeral out to you that are wise with technology.
Her visitation will be on Wednesday night from 6-8 pm with a rosary following. The funeral will be on Thursday morning at 10 am. Both of these events will be at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Shawnee, KS.
5501 Monticello Rd, Shawnee, KS 66226
The funeral home taking care of all of the arrangements is Alden Harrington Funeral Home (913)422-4074
We are asking that any donations in lieu of flowers be made to the Sacred Heart of Jesus School Endowment Fund.
With love and prayer.
Hal
Sunday, July 18, 2010
We all miss Ann!!!
Zoe here - At 4:00AM was probably the worst goodbye and crying and emotions shared in room 21. My mom died with love and hope & some memories to carry with her to heaven. A double rainbow that Mike talked about that appeared right out on our front doorstep on Friday after the storm welcoming her to heaven.
We Love You Mom!!!
Ann Elizabeth Schierts 1966-2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
In the arms of Jesus
Peace be with you all -
Ann passed on to our Lord at 4 am today. She passed in peace while I was holding her hand. I love her so much and there is certainly an emptiness in the house today. I know that she is in the love of God with all of her pain removed. She will remain connected to us all and we now have a beautiful soul in heaven advocating for us.
The day she passed while a blur was at the same time sacred - I was by her side doing my best not to be the Martha but instead witnessing the love being poured out on her by our heavenly Father through the double rainbow Mike mentioned as well as so many caring friends and family. She spent many moments of prayer through the weeks and days leading up today. She witnessed rosaries being said for her on our driveway -- what a witness to the children. She had the opportunity to be well prepared for her death by Father Craig and she was at extreme peace.
If I were to have a message in this it would be twofold. 1) I heard Ann say it many times; slow down be open to how God is working around / through each of us; we have such a tendency to rush to fill the void of needs with our own skills / approaches that we, at times, prevent God from doing the work that is His -- when God answers it is elegant and flows with love; 2) Focus more on the hope of heaven rather than the challenges of this earthly life. As I said to Zoe and Grace, its ok for us to have boo hoo's (down moments) but we need also to looking for the woo hoo's (up moments) as well. Please, please, please, let Ann's passing not become a stumbling block for you with God. This disease, cancer, was the culprit not some uncaring or sadistic action of God. God is good and I am very comforted by the knowledge that my dear lovely Ann is with Jesus.
Zoe, Grace and I now take up the process of grieving as I know many of you will do in your way as well. Please know that we will forever trust in the Lord and in His goodness.
Ann -- save that dance for me when I join you.
Hal
Ann passed on to our Lord at 4 am today. She passed in peace while I was holding her hand. I love her so much and there is certainly an emptiness in the house today. I know that she is in the love of God with all of her pain removed. She will remain connected to us all and we now have a beautiful soul in heaven advocating for us.
The day she passed while a blur was at the same time sacred - I was by her side doing my best not to be the Martha but instead witnessing the love being poured out on her by our heavenly Father through the double rainbow Mike mentioned as well as so many caring friends and family. She spent many moments of prayer through the weeks and days leading up today. She witnessed rosaries being said for her on our driveway -- what a witness to the children. She had the opportunity to be well prepared for her death by Father Craig and she was at extreme peace.
If I were to have a message in this it would be twofold. 1) I heard Ann say it many times; slow down be open to how God is working around / through each of us; we have such a tendency to rush to fill the void of needs with our own skills / approaches that we, at times, prevent God from doing the work that is His -- when God answers it is elegant and flows with love; 2) Focus more on the hope of heaven rather than the challenges of this earthly life. As I said to Zoe and Grace, its ok for us to have boo hoo's (down moments) but we need also to looking for the woo hoo's (up moments) as well. Please, please, please, let Ann's passing not become a stumbling block for you with God. This disease, cancer, was the culprit not some uncaring or sadistic action of God. God is good and I am very comforted by the knowledge that my dear lovely Ann is with Jesus.
Zoe, Grace and I now take up the process of grieving as I know many of you will do in your way as well. Please know that we will forever trust in the Lord and in His goodness.
Ann -- save that dance for me when I join you.
Hal
The Double Rainbow
Mike Book here, filling in for Hal, who has not left Ann's side for several hours. Ann has been moved to the Hospice House. We do not know when her Father will call her home, but it will likely be soon. She has said goodbyes. There have been tears, smiles, kisses and laughter. We were reminded today that God is not in the thunder, He is not in the wind, He is not in the storm. No, He is the slightest whisper. He is the double rainbow that appeared over Ann's house today after the tempest blew over. He is the "I love you" that has been repeated so many times today. I have witnessed His beauty in the selfless love poured out by friends and family, and by Ann and Hal as they openly share the precious gift of allowing us all to participate in these moments. There is no greater love than to give your life for your friends. I love you Ann.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Sneaking Away
Hi All, it's me Ann giving Hal the break this time. I am up in my room listening to the all the sweet sounds of all my nephews and Zoe and Grace having fun blowing up a 2 second firecracker. Oh do you remember those days?
My three brothers along with their families are all here enjoying memories and creating more. even though i am exhausted and in some pain, I continue to ask God to keep me in the present, to let me hold on to this present that he has given to me. I keep reminding the girls that this is so rare where we can come together and celebrate our lives and to see each other in this atmosphere for the last time. How many people get this? How many people just leave this earth in an instant? Truly a blessing is all I can say.
Hal has told you all about the miraculous angels that flutter about all day and I think about how this is just an average day for the heavenly angels though we are too busy to stop and take notice.
You should see my beautiful room that I have. all you ladies have such talent and my peaceful room painted a serene blue with hints of pinks and whites so much remind me of my heavenly mother who awaits me. I can' t tell you the peace and serenity I feel each time I take the moment to rest in there. I am not ready to make it my full time residence just yet but oh how good it will be when I do. This past week has transpired into such a fantastic love fest and Jesus awakes me every morning with a smile on his face and a sort of slant in his neck saying "ready yet"? No lord, I'm not. Then he sends one of his angels named Sarah and we begin our day reading scripture and worshiping his name.
Thank you all for respecting our privacy, I know this is hard on you and that you only wish to see me and make sure I am ok but it does take a lot of energy for me each day to talk as my voice has gotten much weaker and I rely on my oxygen throughout the day.
I have read each card and feel your love, know that I am goood and dressed and even showered each day! I receive communion every afternoon and just watch and listen to the day.
The girls are so smart and so helpful. They understand as much as possible and really show their faith by talking about what is to come and what is troubling them. Although nothing is wrong in their world this second as their older cousins help them turn into little pyromaniacs.
Until the next time my friends, keep this love for me and spread it others who have no one to pray for them. I can share I can share.
Ann
My three brothers along with their families are all here enjoying memories and creating more. even though i am exhausted and in some pain, I continue to ask God to keep me in the present, to let me hold on to this present that he has given to me. I keep reminding the girls that this is so rare where we can come together and celebrate our lives and to see each other in this atmosphere for the last time. How many people get this? How many people just leave this earth in an instant? Truly a blessing is all I can say.
Hal has told you all about the miraculous angels that flutter about all day and I think about how this is just an average day for the heavenly angels though we are too busy to stop and take notice.
You should see my beautiful room that I have. all you ladies have such talent and my peaceful room painted a serene blue with hints of pinks and whites so much remind me of my heavenly mother who awaits me. I can' t tell you the peace and serenity I feel each time I take the moment to rest in there. I am not ready to make it my full time residence just yet but oh how good it will be when I do. This past week has transpired into such a fantastic love fest and Jesus awakes me every morning with a smile on his face and a sort of slant in his neck saying "ready yet"? No lord, I'm not. Then he sends one of his angels named Sarah and we begin our day reading scripture and worshiping his name.
Thank you all for respecting our privacy, I know this is hard on you and that you only wish to see me and make sure I am ok but it does take a lot of energy for me each day to talk as my voice has gotten much weaker and I rely on my oxygen throughout the day.
I have read each card and feel your love, know that I am goood and dressed and even showered each day! I receive communion every afternoon and just watch and listen to the day.
The girls are so smart and so helpful. They understand as much as possible and really show their faith by talking about what is to come and what is troubling them. Although nothing is wrong in their world this second as their older cousins help them turn into little pyromaniacs.
Until the next time my friends, keep this love for me and spread it others who have no one to pray for them. I can share I can share.
Ann
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Showered by love
Peace and blessings to you.
Luke 1:46-47 And Mary said: "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior."
Ann and I are overwhelmed by the love of God being showered on our family -- such a great abundance of graces being poured out by heaven. It is so beautiful and humbling. I have said to Zoe and Grace many times that if they wonder just how much God loves mommy they simply can watch the flow of blessings coming through our front door. So too, my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord! My gr attitude to our Lord and all of His helpers.
We are blessed with good care from the hospice team and the house has been made ready for the anticipated events to follow. A big thanks to all of the ladies from the painting crew who did a beauty make over on the room that will be used by Ann. Of course, this is one of the many touching acts of charity which also include: prayers, flowers, food, gifts, cards, hugs, and the list goes on. You are all wonderful.
Physically, Ann has had a bad day and a good day since the last update. I find that she tires easily and we simply out of our own frailty not able to keep up with all of the calls, e-mails, text messages. We both wish we could have the energy and want you to know we are praying for you too. Knowing how easily she tires I would ask all to consider sending or leaving a card. For those that do stop by, I would suggest that early afternoon is the best time for Ann and we have created a stop-light code on the door to let you know if she's accepting visitors (red means she's pooped out or feels like poop; green means its ok to stop). If you do stop, I would ask that we keep visits to a short 15 minute duration with limited number of people at a time.
Ann's spirits remain good. She has received Confession, Anointing, and daily Eucharist. She has a prayer partner come by each day to be with her and Zoe and her even together do the daily Mass readings. I would love to see that habit continue for Zoe (and perhaps a few of you out there too?). In addition, some of the Little Sisters of the Lamb came to the house today to pray with Ann and the family. They are such a blessing to Kansas City - I pray that each of you can meet them yourselves too.
I opened with the words of Mary as I often reflect on her witness of the suffering of Jesus as a good source of learning and application in my life as I witness Ann's suffering. Mary was remarkable. In her Yes to God's request, I learn that each action in every moment is our opportunity to say Yes to God's request in our lives. Mostly, they are little requests for me as I am little compared to Mary and certainly more so compared to God. But, think about the love that is unleashed when all of us choose Yes together -- for me, I see some small portrait of that at my front door each day. Being the mother of Jesus was not Mary's goal in life. Neither was cancer Ann's goal -- how beautiful the painting becomes when God combines all of our Yes choices both great and small to His will?
Keep the faith -- God loves you and desires your Yes today.
Hal
Luke 1:46-47 And Mary said: "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior."
Ann and I are overwhelmed by the love of God being showered on our family -- such a great abundance of graces being poured out by heaven. It is so beautiful and humbling. I have said to Zoe and Grace many times that if they wonder just how much God loves mommy they simply can watch the flow of blessings coming through our front door. So too, my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord! My gr attitude to our Lord and all of His helpers.
We are blessed with good care from the hospice team and the house has been made ready for the anticipated events to follow. A big thanks to all of the ladies from the painting crew who did a beauty make over on the room that will be used by Ann. Of course, this is one of the many touching acts of charity which also include: prayers, flowers, food, gifts, cards, hugs, and the list goes on. You are all wonderful.
Physically, Ann has had a bad day and a good day since the last update. I find that she tires easily and we simply out of our own frailty not able to keep up with all of the calls, e-mails, text messages. We both wish we could have the energy and want you to know we are praying for you too. Knowing how easily she tires I would ask all to consider sending or leaving a card. For those that do stop by, I would suggest that early afternoon is the best time for Ann and we have created a stop-light code on the door to let you know if she's accepting visitors (red means she's pooped out or feels like poop; green means its ok to stop). If you do stop, I would ask that we keep visits to a short 15 minute duration with limited number of people at a time.
Ann's spirits remain good. She has received Confession, Anointing, and daily Eucharist. She has a prayer partner come by each day to be with her and Zoe and her even together do the daily Mass readings. I would love to see that habit continue for Zoe (and perhaps a few of you out there too?). In addition, some of the Little Sisters of the Lamb came to the house today to pray with Ann and the family. They are such a blessing to Kansas City - I pray that each of you can meet them yourselves too.
I opened with the words of Mary as I often reflect on her witness of the suffering of Jesus as a good source of learning and application in my life as I witness Ann's suffering. Mary was remarkable. In her Yes to God's request, I learn that each action in every moment is our opportunity to say Yes to God's request in our lives. Mostly, they are little requests for me as I am little compared to Mary and certainly more so compared to God. But, think about the love that is unleashed when all of us choose Yes together -- for me, I see some small portrait of that at my front door each day. Being the mother of Jesus was not Mary's goal in life. Neither was cancer Ann's goal -- how beautiful the painting becomes when God combines all of our Yes choices both great and small to His will?
Keep the faith -- God loves you and desires your Yes today.
Hal
Monday, June 28, 2010
Letting go...is hard to do.
Hal here again ---
Today's visit with Ann's oncologist brought us to the realization that Ann's valiant fight against this disease has not been successful. The growth of the cancer in her liver has progressed and so rather than to have her final days filled with chemo and hospitals -- we instead opted for signing up for hospice. I must say a sincere thanks to all of the wonderful doctors, nurses, and others that have cared so well for Ann.
The time remaining is unknown -- we are led to believe that 3-6 weeks is likely. I have such mixed feelings between deepest of sorrow to relief that her pain will end and she will be soon able to see heaven.
Of course, my greatest concern about Ann's parting is, has been and will be for our two beautiful children that God has given to us. I know that the Lord will provide -- I wish God in His infinite mercy can ease their pain. I also know that I can count on so many of you acting as his angels will be with us in this tough times ahead to help.
To you the readers of this blog, I will with Ann's permission continue to post her beautiful transition from this life to the next. I fully trust that God still has many wonderful blessings that He intends to shower on all of us through this process.
I so love you my dear and will be with you every step of the way.
God Bless.
Hal
Today's visit with Ann's oncologist brought us to the realization that Ann's valiant fight against this disease has not been successful. The growth of the cancer in her liver has progressed and so rather than to have her final days filled with chemo and hospitals -- we instead opted for signing up for hospice. I must say a sincere thanks to all of the wonderful doctors, nurses, and others that have cared so well for Ann.
The time remaining is unknown -- we are led to believe that 3-6 weeks is likely. I have such mixed feelings between deepest of sorrow to relief that her pain will end and she will be soon able to see heaven.
Of course, my greatest concern about Ann's parting is, has been and will be for our two beautiful children that God has given to us. I know that the Lord will provide -- I wish God in His infinite mercy can ease their pain. I also know that I can count on so many of you acting as his angels will be with us in this tough times ahead to help.
To you the readers of this blog, I will with Ann's permission continue to post her beautiful transition from this life to the next. I fully trust that God still has many wonderful blessings that He intends to shower on all of us through this process.
I so love you my dear and will be with you every step of the way.
God Bless.
Hal
Saturday, June 26, 2010
It was the best of times and the worst of times...
Hal here -- guest writing for Ann to everyone.
Ann was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday as she indicated in her last note -- though she was weak and tired. I thought we were headed back to the hospital for a while on Wednesday and Thursday with her pain pretty severe, shortness of breath, and nausea. She is now on oxygen and the effects of chemo seem to be waning some. She goes back in to seek Dr. Fabin on Monday to discuss her liver biopsy results and plan the next steps in treatment. Our understanding at this point will be continued chemo of some kind. We did find out that the experimental drug will not be a good match for her based on the early indications of the biopsy -- as always we are in His hands and we feel that we've reached a cross roads in the journey.
The girls have had the blessing of my parents here to spoil them for a few days followed by my aunt. It was great to see Zoe, Grace and Aunt Susie having a squirt gun fight on the back deck -- wish we had that one on video. The girls have also enjoyed sleep overs, going to theater in the park, and the laid back days of summer. Zoe, our traditional early riser, has even found that sleeping in has its benefits.
The gospel reading for today (Mt 8:5-17) brings us the story of the faith of the centurion and several examples of Jesus healing the possessed and sick "to fulfill what had been said by Isaiah the prophet: He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases." I ask Jesus several times a day to take away this disease from Ann if it is His will. I realize there is so much of His love and graces being poured out on Ann at this time -- I feel it in the prayers, cards, meals, flowers, and love you send to Ann -- thank you.
I pray that Ann and I remain open to His will and to love each other, our children and you with the grace of His love. We know of so many of you that have your own crosses too. It is important for you to share those hardships with the rest of the body of Christ -- that is, you see, how His love is made present and real -- it is in each of us caring for and taking care of those in need around us. It is a two part equation: 1) someone in need, one afflicted with suffering of some form; and 2) someone with a gift given by the Holy Spirit to give or offer others.
So, if you are in need and hurting (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and you don't seek His help through your neighbor -- that is going to keep His graces from reaching you -- it takes humility and that is hard. If you have some gift to give and you don't seek out opportunities to make those available to those in need -- it may be judgmental or selfish; it takes acts of charity which lead us to love of God's people. So, both kinds of people are needed and often both parts (needs and gifts) are present within each of us. I know its hard and we allow the devil to trick us so often on both parts but in your heart you know that you feel the God's love when both parts are exchanged with His will at the core. You see, in the exchange, God's love is made present to both persons -- its a beautiful thing.
Jesus, you know us. You know what we need. I pray that you help us to be open, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be loved by You through others. I pray that you give us wisdom to become more aware of the gifts that the Holy Spirit has provided to us AND that we use these gifts each day to benefit your creation.
I thank you for the blessings of my wife and family. I pray that I may be a worthy channel of your love to to others.
Peace be with you all.
Ann was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday as she indicated in her last note -- though she was weak and tired. I thought we were headed back to the hospital for a while on Wednesday and Thursday with her pain pretty severe, shortness of breath, and nausea. She is now on oxygen and the effects of chemo seem to be waning some. She goes back in to seek Dr. Fabin on Monday to discuss her liver biopsy results and plan the next steps in treatment. Our understanding at this point will be continued chemo of some kind. We did find out that the experimental drug will not be a good match for her based on the early indications of the biopsy -- as always we are in His hands and we feel that we've reached a cross roads in the journey.
The girls have had the blessing of my parents here to spoil them for a few days followed by my aunt. It was great to see Zoe, Grace and Aunt Susie having a squirt gun fight on the back deck -- wish we had that one on video. The girls have also enjoyed sleep overs, going to theater in the park, and the laid back days of summer. Zoe, our traditional early riser, has even found that sleeping in has its benefits.
The gospel reading for today (Mt 8:5-17) brings us the story of the faith of the centurion and several examples of Jesus healing the possessed and sick "to fulfill what had been said by Isaiah the prophet: He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases." I ask Jesus several times a day to take away this disease from Ann if it is His will. I realize there is so much of His love and graces being poured out on Ann at this time -- I feel it in the prayers, cards, meals, flowers, and love you send to Ann -- thank you.
I pray that Ann and I remain open to His will and to love each other, our children and you with the grace of His love. We know of so many of you that have your own crosses too. It is important for you to share those hardships with the rest of the body of Christ -- that is, you see, how His love is made present and real -- it is in each of us caring for and taking care of those in need around us. It is a two part equation: 1) someone in need, one afflicted with suffering of some form; and 2) someone with a gift given by the Holy Spirit to give or offer others.
So, if you are in need and hurting (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and you don't seek His help through your neighbor -- that is going to keep His graces from reaching you -- it takes humility and that is hard. If you have some gift to give and you don't seek out opportunities to make those available to those in need -- it may be judgmental or selfish; it takes acts of charity which lead us to love of God's people. So, both kinds of people are needed and often both parts (needs and gifts) are present within each of us. I know its hard and we allow the devil to trick us so often on both parts but in your heart you know that you feel the God's love when both parts are exchanged with His will at the core. You see, in the exchange, God's love is made present to both persons -- its a beautiful thing.
Jesus, you know us. You know what we need. I pray that you help us to be open, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be loved by You through others. I pray that you give us wisdom to become more aware of the gifts that the Holy Spirit has provided to us AND that we use these gifts each day to benefit your creation.
I thank you for the blessings of my wife and family. I pray that I may be a worthy channel of your love to to others.
Peace be with you all.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Back In KU
Are you following me because I am having a hard time following my whereabouts these days.
Yes, judging by my tiredness and beautiful pajamas along with lack of sleep, I can say that I am back in the hospital. After my liver biopsy on Wednesday I began experiencing the same back and stomach pain I had on Sunday evening. I called Dr F. and they got me in immediately to the cancer center for another ct of my abdomen and liver. Turns out that the fluid around my liver had increased even though we had just drained it and that I had a bit in my left lung and a bunch (2liters) in my abdomen. Got the abdomen and lung drained and will now put in more permanent drain i my liver and abdomen tomorrow. The fluid will continue to grow until we can get the liver tumor under control so this way I can drain it as needed rather than come in here every other day and have them do it. We also started some chemo yesterday. The non approved FDA chemo that we feel confident will help is a process to receive since it not yet approved so in the interim, we will start this other chemo until we are approved. Very fast and head spinning but trust trust trust faith faith faith day by day byday. I blogging to you at the super nice resource center here on the cancer floor so need to just get to you the basics of what is going on. After pseudo permanent drains placed tomorrow around ten a.m. I should be able to go home. Please say special prayers for my mom.She is on her way to the ER with heart pain and has a hard time breathing over the past few months. Please pray that they find something to help her once and for all. For Hal's dad as he is experiencing pain from his side affects of diabetes. For Judith who takes care of us all, for Hal well you know the directions he gets pulled. Please pray for strength and for a relaxing Father's Day for him and all of our dads. For Joe Bidnick and Mike O'Connor may they feel the love of God pouring over them. I will keep you posted as usual.
Love, Me
Yes, judging by my tiredness and beautiful pajamas along with lack of sleep, I can say that I am back in the hospital. After my liver biopsy on Wednesday I began experiencing the same back and stomach pain I had on Sunday evening. I called Dr F. and they got me in immediately to the cancer center for another ct of my abdomen and liver. Turns out that the fluid around my liver had increased even though we had just drained it and that I had a bit in my left lung and a bunch (2liters) in my abdomen. Got the abdomen and lung drained and will now put in more permanent drain i my liver and abdomen tomorrow. The fluid will continue to grow until we can get the liver tumor under control so this way I can drain it as needed rather than come in here every other day and have them do it. We also started some chemo yesterday. The non approved FDA chemo that we feel confident will help is a process to receive since it not yet approved so in the interim, we will start this other chemo until we are approved. Very fast and head spinning but trust trust trust faith faith faith day by day byday. I blogging to you at the super nice resource center here on the cancer floor so need to just get to you the basics of what is going on. After pseudo permanent drains placed tomorrow around ten a.m. I should be able to go home. Please say special prayers for my mom.She is on her way to the ER with heart pain and has a hard time breathing over the past few months. Please pray that they find something to help her once and for all. For Hal's dad as he is experiencing pain from his side affects of diabetes. For Judith who takes care of us all, for Hal well you know the directions he gets pulled. Please pray for strength and for a relaxing Father's Day for him and all of our dads. For Joe Bidnick and Mike O'Connor may they feel the love of God pouring over them. I will keep you posted as usual.
Love, Me
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I Have Learned To Be Content Whatever The Circumstances I Can Do Everything Through Him Who Gives Me Strenghth
I can't believe that it has been a month since I last blogged. Crazy and fun past few weeks is all I can guess. The girls were let loose from school on May 24th and we were off to Florida the next day. Wish I could post some pictures but my computer sucked them away into cyber land and I had already erased them from my camera. Our memories will have to do and what memories we have! Grace was enamoured with the fact that everyone in Florida has pools in their backyard and that's the first thing they did every morning was dive in. My nephews Alex and Nick were confirmed along with about 250 other kids. Watching each of them receive the Holy Spirit was very cool. I pray that they felt the love that was being poured out to them and that they understand the gift that they have received. Okay on to what my scans revealed..... some good some bad news. The good is that my bone mets has significantly decreased in size the bad is that the lesions in my liver have significantly increased along with my tumor markers doubling in the past two weeks. What does all this medical talk mean? Hell, I don't know and I'm not sure sometimes the professionals even know! But what we think is that the cells in my liver are perhaps not the same as that are in my bones. Still considered breast cancer but maybe not fueled by the estrogen that my original biopsy to my sternum showed. I will have a liver biopsy next Wednesday. If the cancer in the liver is not estrogen receptive, then my doctor feels the best plan of action is to try a new chemo which has not yet been approved by the FDA but is very promising with results in the liver. Both Hal and I knew that the results would not be good but just hearing that the cancer is still not under control sent me downhill. I am just tired .....physically and emotionally drained and at the point where I say to hell with it. You win cancer!!! But once again God sent to me an angel with the message of the holy spirit saying YOU DON"T KNOW THAT!!!! and poof I'm back on the Let's kick some ASS campaign. Thank you Linda for hearing the holy spirit and turning your car into my driveway. It's late (now 12:30am) and it's time to Relay for Life here tomorrow. What a perfect time for us to raise the money to find a cure for this $#@$ disease. "Do not get discouraged- it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door" Please continue to pray. We love you so much!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The rain here just keeps a coming which is nice because everything is so green and beautiful if you can see through the downpours! Much like life I suppose. Amongst the midst of trials still lies so much good to be thankful for. My weekend with the girls was so much fun. The tea party taught us proper manners and I think the girls both know how to place their pinkie out when sipping tea or in their case lemonade. I was awoken by Grace holding a huge cup of coffee in her hands on Mother's Day morning. She even had the right amount of cream in it!
My second round of increased chemo was to begin yesterday but i was sent home because my platelet count was too low. Platelets help your blood clot and since I am on blood thinners as well, it just didn't seem like my body had fully recovered from the last round of chemo so we will try again on Monday. My tumour marker test was not back yet and my doctor would like to do one more increased round of chemo and then do more scans to see if the increased dose is doing anything. Also we will be able to determine if the high doses of estrogen is doing it's job of preventing the cells from forming in the first place. So for those of you who are tracking all of this I will do chemo on May 17th and 24th then have my scans on June 4th and meet back up with my doctor for results and the next plan. Meanwhile i am fairing pretty well. The secret is to keep busy. School gets out in two weeks and I think I am ready. We have plans for most of June and are hoping to get some visits in to Minnesota and Colorado. As usual, it's all day by day around here. God's way of letting me know that I need not get too ahead of myself and to slow down and listen to what his plans are. He and I are back on track and he has been talking non stop. Of course he talks and acts through all of you. Much love and admiration to my friend Lori P. She also is going through treatment and has a devout faith and peace an aura around her. We talked the last couple of days and she brought me such comfort and self assurance. Thank you Lori!
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. Philippians 4: 13
My second round of increased chemo was to begin yesterday but i was sent home because my platelet count was too low. Platelets help your blood clot and since I am on blood thinners as well, it just didn't seem like my body had fully recovered from the last round of chemo so we will try again on Monday. My tumour marker test was not back yet and my doctor would like to do one more increased round of chemo and then do more scans to see if the increased dose is doing anything. Also we will be able to determine if the high doses of estrogen is doing it's job of preventing the cells from forming in the first place. So for those of you who are tracking all of this I will do chemo on May 17th and 24th then have my scans on June 4th and meet back up with my doctor for results and the next plan. Meanwhile i am fairing pretty well. The secret is to keep busy. School gets out in two weeks and I think I am ready. We have plans for most of June and are hoping to get some visits in to Minnesota and Colorado. As usual, it's all day by day around here. God's way of letting me know that I need not get too ahead of myself and to slow down and listen to what his plans are. He and I are back on track and he has been talking non stop. Of course he talks and acts through all of you. Much love and admiration to my friend Lori P. She also is going through treatment and has a devout faith and peace an aura around her. We talked the last couple of days and she brought me such comfort and self assurance. Thank you Lori!
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. Philippians 4: 13
Friday, May 7, 2010
You are my friends. (John 15:14)
You are my friends and I have felt you all so much lately physically, mentally, and spiritually. Not that I ever doubted for a minute that you were not there but when you sometimes exclude yourself from the world it can get lonely. My fault entirely, needed and necessary.
Today's gospel along with the last few days have brought me back to life and what is needed to get done. Seeing friends and getting caught up in what is going on in their lives and not having the attention solely on how I am feeling is really nice. Directing a good day that I have been given and redirecting it on to someone else who is in need is such a good feeling too. No wonder all of you give so much and no wonder that's all God asks of us. love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. To my Este girls in Jax, I missed you last week so much. Thank you for the serenade. To Terry in Salt lake for always calling at the right time. To my posse here in our Shawnee bubble for always calling, stopping by, and even sneaking into my bedroom and leaving me notes when I am out cold! Thank you all for listening to the Holy spirit and letting him guide you on your days! To Hal, Happy Birthday. Thank you God for bringing him into this world (and thanks to his mom for having a part in it too)
My first cranked up dose of my chemo cocktail was two weeks ago Friday. I was down about three or so days afterwards and back at a lower dose the next week. The second dose was very tolerable and I had a great weekend and then had a day on the couch and then back to life. I forget how crazy we can make our lives and how time really doesn't move as slow as I once thought perhaps watching the clock can do that. Anyhow I am off from cancer land this week and have plans with my girls. Tonight will be movie night tomorrow is the great mother/daughter tea, a brownie bridging ceremony and a pajama birthday party to bring the day to close. Mothers Day will be spent listening to Zoe Rae sing the psalm in church and a soccer game from the G ster. God is good!
This I command you: love one another.” Now go out and do it!
Today's gospel along with the last few days have brought me back to life and what is needed to get done. Seeing friends and getting caught up in what is going on in their lives and not having the attention solely on how I am feeling is really nice. Directing a good day that I have been given and redirecting it on to someone else who is in need is such a good feeling too. No wonder all of you give so much and no wonder that's all God asks of us. love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. To my Este girls in Jax, I missed you last week so much. Thank you for the serenade. To Terry in Salt lake for always calling at the right time. To my posse here in our Shawnee bubble for always calling, stopping by, and even sneaking into my bedroom and leaving me notes when I am out cold! Thank you all for listening to the Holy spirit and letting him guide you on your days! To Hal, Happy Birthday. Thank you God for bringing him into this world (and thanks to his mom for having a part in it too)
My first cranked up dose of my chemo cocktail was two weeks ago Friday. I was down about three or so days afterwards and back at a lower dose the next week. The second dose was very tolerable and I had a great weekend and then had a day on the couch and then back to life. I forget how crazy we can make our lives and how time really doesn't move as slow as I once thought perhaps watching the clock can do that. Anyhow I am off from cancer land this week and have plans with my girls. Tonight will be movie night tomorrow is the great mother/daughter tea, a brownie bridging ceremony and a pajama birthday party to bring the day to close. Mothers Day will be spent listening to Zoe Rae sing the psalm in church and a soccer game from the G ster. God is good!
This I command you: love one another.” Now go out and do it!
Friday, April 16, 2010
As tears run down my face from reading Hal's beautiful writing, I ask God why. Why can't he just take it all away? why can't he just heal me? Why can't I just go back to the way things were? Why do my girls have to ask me every day how I am feeling? Why can't I be like other moms who do such a good job at taking care of their families? Why does Hal have to work so hard?
But I also give thanks. Thanks for the great time I shared with Grace and her daisy troop to Omaha. It was so much fun and such a wonderful time spent with Grace and her friends. I hope she always remembers that trip we took together. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help our family and are always there for us at a moments notice. And I am most especially thankful for Hal. What can I say about him? He gives me peace and has always placed us as priority. His love and devotion is true and intense and he puts up with my frustration and grumpiness and still loves me. His life is dedicated to us and I just wish that he could get a break, I wish there was something I could do for him to take him away from his daily grind. When I mention this to him he just smiles and says there is nowhere else he would rather be and then rattles off all the things he is grateful for. How blessed I am to have such a man!
Anyhow, Hal posted the latest on my results. I am down and frustrated and really wanted a break. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed and I am just down and out tired. Today I asked God to either let me stay to or take me now. I can't do this much longer. I want to be the mom wife and friend I used to be. I miss the old me as do most of you I assume.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.
But I also give thanks. Thanks for the great time I shared with Grace and her daisy troop to Omaha. It was so much fun and such a wonderful time spent with Grace and her friends. I hope she always remembers that trip we took together. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help our family and are always there for us at a moments notice. And I am most especially thankful for Hal. What can I say about him? He gives me peace and has always placed us as priority. His love and devotion is true and intense and he puts up with my frustration and grumpiness and still loves me. His life is dedicated to us and I just wish that he could get a break, I wish there was something I could do for him to take him away from his daily grind. When I mention this to him he just smiles and says there is nowhere else he would rather be and then rattles off all the things he is grateful for. How blessed I am to have such a man!
Anyhow, Hal posted the latest on my results. I am down and frustrated and really wanted a break. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed and I am just down and out tired. Today I asked God to either let me stay to or take me now. I can't do this much longer. I want to be the mom wife and friend I used to be. I miss the old me as do most of you I assume.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Bloom where you're planted
Greetings to one and all. Hal here.
Don't be afraid. Ann is fine - she's on field trip with Grace and asked me to fill in for her so that everyone would receive an update.
The news we wanted wasn't what we received today -- the CT scans showed no changes from January/February (good); the PET scan showed some increase in activity in Ann's liver, bones, and pelvic area. The doctor indicated it was a slight increase - so please don't be alarmed. Just it shows that things aren't completely under control. The bad news is that the summer break that Ann was wanting doesn't look like is possible yet. She will need to continue with chemo. However, before she does that she will have a minor surgical procedure next week to remove the filter that was previously put in and then next Thursday its back to the infusion room -- sorry honey.
Ro 8:28 We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose
Ann, I wish I didn't have to watch you suffer. How Mary must have felt to watch Christ. I do know and see the immense love God daily pours out on you - its humbling to see His love in action and know that my fumbling attempts pale in comparison to what God can do. I know that God is working good through this suffering. I also know that it was God's purpose for me to be all that I can be for you - to be your gift. I love you my dear.
So, as Mother Teresa says "Bloom where you're planted" -- choose to trust God that you are right where He needs you. Be open to the good however small that you can do for someone else each day.
May the Hope of the Easter Season be with you all.
He is risen!!!!
Don't be afraid. Ann is fine - she's on field trip with Grace and asked me to fill in for her so that everyone would receive an update.
The news we wanted wasn't what we received today -- the CT scans showed no changes from January/February (good); the PET scan showed some increase in activity in Ann's liver, bones, and pelvic area. The doctor indicated it was a slight increase - so please don't be alarmed. Just it shows that things aren't completely under control. The bad news is that the summer break that Ann was wanting doesn't look like is possible yet. She will need to continue with chemo. However, before she does that she will have a minor surgical procedure next week to remove the filter that was previously put in and then next Thursday its back to the infusion room -- sorry honey.
Ro 8:28 We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose
Ann, I wish I didn't have to watch you suffer. How Mary must have felt to watch Christ. I do know and see the immense love God daily pours out on you - its humbling to see His love in action and know that my fumbling attempts pale in comparison to what God can do. I know that God is working good through this suffering. I also know that it was God's purpose for me to be all that I can be for you - to be your gift. I love you my dear.
So, as Mother Teresa says "Bloom where you're planted" -- choose to trust God that you are right where He needs you. Be open to the good however small that you can do for someone else each day.
May the Hope of the Easter Season be with you all.
He is risen!!!!
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