Friday, April 16, 2010

As tears run down my face from reading Hal's beautiful writing, I ask God why. Why can't he just take it all away? why can't he just heal me? Why can't I just go back to the way things were? Why do my girls have to ask me every day how I am feeling? Why can't I be like other moms who do such a good job at taking care of their families? Why does Hal have to work so hard?
But I also give thanks. Thanks for the great time I shared with Grace and her daisy troop to Omaha. It was so much fun and such a wonderful time spent with Grace and her friends. I hope she always remembers that trip we took together. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help our family and are always there for us at a moments notice. And I am most especially thankful for Hal. What can I say about him? He gives me peace and has always placed us as priority. His love and devotion is true and intense and he puts up with my frustration and grumpiness and still loves me. His life is dedicated to us and I just wish that he could get a break, I wish there was something I could do for him to take him away from his daily grind. When I mention this to him he just smiles and says there is nowhere else he would rather be and then rattles off all the things he is grateful for. How blessed I am to have such a man!
Anyhow, Hal posted the latest on my results. I am down and frustrated and really wanted a break. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed and I am just down and out tired. Today I asked God to either let me stay to or take me now. I can't do this much longer. I want to be the mom wife and friend I used to be. I miss the old me as do most of you I assume.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.


pksarna said...

Dear Ann,
I only know you from reading your blog, but I just want to reach out and give you a hug. It is hard. But you are a tough warrior, and God will see you through it. He’s been there the whole time—blessing you, and your husband and the girls. You’re doing great, just keep on keeping on. You’ll come through.

Anonymous said...

Hey, just so you know, we love this you, we love the old you and everything in between. Period. You are a blessing to us sweetie.

Sallie said...

Dear Ann:
You are so allowed to vent! You have every right to be disappointed and angry at this point, but I know (as I know you know) God only gives us just as much as we can endure at any one time. You will pull through all this and on the other side of it, you will be such the stronger person. You have a wonderful family and friends from all over who do not know you, but pray for you daily. Keep the faith!
Sending prayers and love from S.C.

hawley.mark said...

I'm certainly no bible scholar, but while Proverbs is always good for bits of wisdom, Romans is good for bits of hope: Romans 5:1-5.

And if you're into science fiction (or in this case, science fiction parody) there's always the famous tagline from Galaxy Quest: "Never give up, never surrender!"

You can do anything Ann. You already have.


Anonymous said...

I check your blog often and that last one from your husband and then your blog, brought tears to my eyes. You are blessed with a sweet, supportive husband and such sweet girls..... I am sure quite often you want to give up, but don't...your girls and husband need you! I have been so inspired by your faithfulness and the way you lean on God! He will continue to hold you in his hands.....I pray for you often and ask for God to heal you. Keep holding are an inspiration to so many.
Whatever you ask for in Prayer with faith you will receive.
Matthew 21:22
Kristen Luginbuhl Muhart