It was the best of times and the worst of times...

Hal here -- guest writing for Ann to everyone.

Ann was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday as she indicated in her last note -- though she was weak and tired. I thought we were headed back to the hospital for a while on Wednesday and Thursday with her pain pretty severe, shortness of breath, and nausea. She is now on oxygen and the effects of chemo seem to be waning some. She goes back in to seek Dr. Fabin on Monday to discuss her liver biopsy results and plan the next steps in treatment. Our understanding at this point will be continued chemo of some kind. We did find out that the experimental drug will not be a good match for her based on the early indications of the biopsy -- as always we are in His hands and we feel that we've reached a cross roads in the journey.

The girls have had the blessing of my parents here to spoil them for a few days followed by my aunt. It was great to see Zoe, Grace and Aunt Susie having a squirt gun fight on the back deck -- wish we had that one on video. The girls have also enjoyed sleep overs, going to theater in the park, and the laid back days of summer. Zoe, our traditional early riser, has even found that sleeping in has its benefits.

The gospel reading for today (Mt 8:5-17) brings us the story of the faith of the centurion and several examples of Jesus healing the possessed and sick "to fulfill what had been said by Isaiah the prophet: He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases." I ask Jesus several times a day to take away this disease from Ann if it is His will. I realize there is so much of His love and graces being poured out on Ann at this time -- I feel it in the prayers, cards, meals, flowers, and love you send to Ann -- thank you.

I pray that Ann and I remain open to His will and to love each other, our children and you with the grace of His love. We know of so many of you that have your own crosses too. It is important for you to share those hardships with the rest of the body of Christ -- that is, you see, how His love is made present and real -- it is in each of us caring for and taking care of those in need around us. It is a two part equation: 1) someone in need, one afflicted with suffering of some form; and 2) someone with a gift given by the Holy Spirit to give or offer others.

So, if you are in need and hurting (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and you don't seek His help through your neighbor -- that is going to keep His graces from reaching you -- it takes humility and that is hard. If you have some gift to give and you don't seek out opportunities to make those available to those in need -- it may be judgmental or selfish; it takes acts of charity which lead us to love of God's people. So, both kinds of people are needed and often both parts (needs and gifts) are present within each of us. I know its hard and we allow the devil to trick us so often on both parts but in your heart you know that you feel the God's love when both parts are exchanged with His will at the core. You see, in the exchange, God's love is made present to both persons -- its a beautiful thing.

Jesus, you know us. You know what we need. I pray that you help us to be open, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be loved by You through others. I pray that you give us wisdom to become more aware of the gifts that the Holy Spirit has provided to us AND that we use these gifts each day to benefit your creation.

I thank you for the blessings of my wife and family. I pray that I may be a worthy channel of your love to to others.

Peace be with you all.

Back In KU

Are you following me because I am having a hard time following my whereabouts these days.

Yes, judging by my tiredness and beautiful pajamas along with lack of sleep, I can say that I am back in the hospital. After my liver biopsy on Wednesday I began experiencing the same back and stomach pain I had on Sunday evening. I called Dr F. and they got me in immediately to the cancer center for another ct of my abdomen and liver. Turns out that the fluid around my liver had increased even though we had just drained it and that I had a bit in my left lung and a bunch (2liters) in my abdomen. Got the abdomen and lung drained and will now put in more permanent drain i my liver and abdomen tomorrow. The fluid will continue to grow until we can get the liver tumor under control so this way I can drain it as needed rather than come in here every other day and have them do it. We also started some chemo yesterday. The non approved FDA chemo that we feel confident will help is a process to receive since it not yet approved so in the interim, we will start this other chemo until we are approved. Very fast and head spinning but trust trust trust faith faith faith day by day byday. I blogging to you at the super nice resource center here on the cancer floor so need to just get to you the basics of what is going on. After pseudo permanent drains placed tomorrow around ten a.m. I should be able to go home. Please say special prayers for my mom.She is on her way to the ER with heart pain and has a hard time breathing over the past few months. Please pray that they find something to help her once and for all. For Hal's dad as he is experiencing pain from his side affects of diabetes. For Judith who takes care of us all, for Hal well you know the directions he gets pulled. Please pray for strength and for a relaxing Father's Day for him and all of our dads. For Joe Bidnick and Mike O'Connor may they feel the love of God pouring over them. I will keep you posted as usual.
Love, Me

I Have Learned To Be Content Whatever The Circumstances I Can Do Everything Through Him Who Gives Me Strenghth

I can't believe that it has been a month since I last blogged. Crazy and fun past few weeks is all I can guess. The girls were let loose from school on May 24th and we were off to Florida the next day. Wish I could post some pictures but my computer sucked them away into cyber land and I had already erased them from my camera. Our memories will have to do and what memories we have! Grace was enamoured with the fact that everyone in Florida has pools in their backyard and that's the first thing they did every morning was dive in. My nephews Alex and Nick were confirmed along with about 250 other kids. Watching each of them receive the Holy Spirit was very cool. I pray that they felt the love that was being poured out to them and that they understand the gift that they have received. Okay on to what my scans revealed..... some good some bad news. The good is that my bone mets has significantly decreased in size the bad is that the lesions in my liver have significantly increased along with my tumor markers doubling in the past two weeks. What does all this medical talk mean? Hell, I don't know and I'm not sure sometimes the professionals even know! But what we think is that the cells in my liver are perhaps not the same as that are in my bones. Still considered breast cancer but maybe not fueled by the estrogen that my original biopsy to my sternum showed. I will have a liver biopsy next Wednesday. If the cancer in the liver is not estrogen receptive, then my doctor feels the best plan of action is to try a new chemo which has not yet been approved by the FDA but is very promising with results in the liver. Both Hal and I knew that the results would not be good but just hearing that the cancer is still not under control sent me downhill. I am just tired .....physically and emotionally drained and at the point where I say to hell with it. You win cancer!!! But once again God sent to me an angel with the message of the holy spirit saying YOU DON"T KNOW THAT!!!! and poof I'm back on the Let's kick some ASS campaign. Thank you Linda for hearing the holy spirit and turning your car into my driveway. It's late (now 12:30am) and it's time to Relay for Life here tomorrow. What a perfect time for us to raise the money to find a cure for this $#@$ disease. "Do not get discouraged- it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door" Please continue to pray. We love you so much!

The rain here just keeps a coming which is nice because everything is so green and beautiful if you can see through the downpours! Much like life I suppose. Amongst the midst of trials still lies so much good to be thankful for. My weekend with the girls was so much fun. The tea party taught us proper manners and I think the girls both know how to place their pinkie out when sipping tea or in their case lemonade. I was awoken by Grace holding a huge cup of coffee in her hands on Mother's Day morning. She even had the right amount of cream in it!
My second round of increased chemo was to begin yesterday but i was sent home because my platelet count was too low. Platelets help your blood clot and since I am on blood thinners as well, it just didn't seem like my body had fully recovered from the last round of chemo so we will try again on Monday. My tumour marker test was not back yet and my doctor would like to do one more increased round of chemo and then do more scans to see if the increased dose is doing anything. Also we will be able to determine if the high doses of estrogen is doing it's job of preventing the cells from forming in the first place. So for those of you who are tracking all of this I will do chemo on May 17th and 24th then have my scans on June 4th and meet back up with my doctor for results and the next plan. Meanwhile i am fairing pretty well. The secret is to keep busy. School gets out in two weeks and I think I am ready. We have plans for most of June and are hoping to get some visits in to Minnesota and Colorado. As usual, it's all day by day around here. God's way of letting me know that I need not get too ahead of myself and to slow down and listen to what his plans are. He and I are back on track and he has been talking non stop. Of course he talks and acts through all of you. Much love and admiration to my friend Lori P. She also is going through treatment and has a devout faith and peace an aura around her. We talked the last couple of days and she brought me such comfort and self assurance. Thank you Lori!
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. Philippians 4: 13

You are my friends. (John 15:14)

You are my friends and I have felt you all so much lately physically, mentally, and spiritually. Not that I ever doubted for a minute that you were not there but when you sometimes exclude yourself from the world it can get lonely. My fault entirely, needed and necessary.
Today's gospel along with the last few days have brought me back to life and what is needed to get done. Seeing friends and getting caught up in what is going on in their lives and not having the attention solely on how I am feeling is really nice. Directing a good day that I have been given and redirecting it on to someone else who is in need is such a good feeling too. No wonder all of you give so much and no wonder that's all God asks of us. love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. To my Este girls in Jax, I missed you last week so much. Thank you for the serenade. To Terry in Salt lake for always calling at the right time. To my posse here in our Shawnee bubble for always calling, stopping by, and even sneaking into my bedroom and leaving me notes when I am out cold! Thank you all for listening to the Holy spirit and letting him guide you on your days! To Hal, Happy Birthday. Thank you God for bringing him into this world (and thanks to his mom for having a part in it too)
My first cranked up dose of my chemo cocktail was two weeks ago Friday. I was down about three or so days afterwards and back at a lower dose the next week. The second dose was very tolerable and I had a great weekend and then had a day on the couch and then back to life. I forget how crazy we can make our lives and how time really doesn't move as slow as I once thought perhaps watching the clock can do that. Anyhow I am off from cancer land this week and have plans with my girls. Tonight will be movie night tomorrow is the great mother/daughter tea, a brownie bridging ceremony and a pajama birthday party to bring the day to close. Mothers Day will be spent listening to Zoe Rae sing the psalm in church and a soccer game from the G ster. God is good!
This I command you: love one another.” Now go out and do it!

As tears run down my face from reading Hal's beautiful writing, I ask God why. Why can't he just take it all away? why can't he just heal me? Why can't I just go back to the way things were? Why do my girls have to ask me every day how I am feeling? Why can't I be like other moms who do such a good job at taking care of their families? Why does Hal have to work so hard?
But I also give thanks. Thanks for the great time I shared with Grace and her daisy troop to Omaha. It was so much fun and such a wonderful time spent with Grace and her friends. I hope she always remembers that trip we took together. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help our family and are always there for us at a moments notice. And I am most especially thankful for Hal. What can I say about him? He gives me peace and has always placed us as priority. His love and devotion is true and intense and he puts up with my frustration and grumpiness and still loves me. His life is dedicated to us and I just wish that he could get a break, I wish there was something I could do for him to take him away from his daily grind. When I mention this to him he just smiles and says there is nowhere else he would rather be and then rattles off all the things he is grateful for. How blessed I am to have such a man!
Anyhow, Hal posted the latest on my results. I am down and frustrated and really wanted a break. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed and I am just down and out tired. Today I asked God to either let me stay to or take me now. I can't do this much longer. I want to be the mom wife and friend I used to be. I miss the old me as do most of you I assume.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.

Bloom where you're planted

Greetings to one and all. Hal here.

Don't be afraid. Ann is fine - she's on field trip with Grace and asked me to fill in for her so that everyone would receive an update.

The news we wanted wasn't what we received today -- the CT scans showed no changes from January/February (good); the PET scan showed some increase in activity in Ann's liver, bones, and pelvic area. The doctor indicated it was a slight increase - so please don't be alarmed. Just it shows that things aren't completely under control. The bad news is that the summer break that Ann was wanting doesn't look like is possible yet. She will need to continue with chemo. However, before she does that she will have a minor surgical procedure next week to remove the filter that was previously put in and then next Thursday its back to the infusion room -- sorry honey.

Ro 8:28 We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose

Ann, I wish I didn't have to watch you suffer. How Mary must have felt to watch Christ. I do know and see the immense love God daily pours out on you - its humbling to see His love in action and know that my fumbling attempts pale in comparison to what God can do. I know that God is working good through this suffering. I also know that it was God's purpose for me to be all that I can be for you - to be your gift. I love you my dear.

So, as Mother Teresa says "Bloom where you're planted" -- choose to trust God that you are right where He needs you. Be open to the good however small that you can do for someone else each day.

May the Hope of the Easter Season be with you all.
He is risen!!!!