Window To My Heart

Greetings everyone -- Hal here -- filling in for Ann on this entry.

The skilled and caring hands of the wonderful physicians and nurses at KU have completed the procedure to place a "window" to allow fluid to drain from Ann's heart region. The procedure went well and by late afternoon Ann was coming out of the affects of surgery. She is feeling better and has been up and out of bed. We look forward to having Zoe and Grace spend time with Ann tonight. Then, she is hoping for a good night's rest tonight and then of course talk of going home. The next step in the process will be to get started on chemo -- we're not sure when that would be exactly yet. Not sooner than Wednesday next week. We're praying that this next set of chemo meds will be effective -- and we know that you are too.

Ann and I want to express our thanks to everyone for their prayers, help with the girls, taking care of our pets, thoughtful gestures, calls, cards... We know that God gives us the graces needed for every challenge - we see it each day through you. Please do not despair or view this journey as a stumbling block to your faith -- when you are tempted to ask why does bad things happen to good people remember that there is an amazing amount of good that comes out of our suffering as well.

Our family has been privileged to be showered with so much love in this past week and God was there through it all. I want to encourage you to also know that God loves each of us, his children, and desires that you grow closer to Him through those around you. Be open that that closeness may come through adversity and in all things trust that God is at work.

As for Ann and I, know that our spirits are good and faith in God strong. Thank you God for all that you do for each of us today and everyday. We love you.

Hal

Just Call Me Milk

As in 1% because if it has a 1%chance of happening then it will happen to me (as Sarah says). Things have changed since my last post. The love is not dissipating from my heart so I will now have surgery tomorrow morning to have a "window" created to allow the fluid to drain longer without having to remain in the hospital attached to all of the equipment. So, now I'll truly have a window to my heart....this means that I will remain in the hospital for a longer time (perhaps now until Sunday or Monday) and that my chemo will be delayed. Although I just got off the phone with my oncologist and she seems to think not. So, as usual I have made things a bit more complicated. Oh, I also met with my ENT doc amid all of this and found out that both vocal cords are "bowed out" and not working so I am scheduled for collagen injections to those areas on Sept 30th. Whew, I think that's it.
The main goal remains and that is for this chemo to work and get rid of the cancer and fluid.
The girls just arrived to my room and have all kinds of questions about whats hanging off of me and what that "gross fluid" on my hip. Perhaps Hal will be updating the blog with info from here on out until I am felling better. Love to all of you. Keep on praying!

What A Honeymoon!

My house on Tuesday morning was empty. No kids, no friends, no family. Just an abundance of flowers that let me know that it wasn't a dream. We just had the most incredible weekend filled with love, laughter, and yes lots of tears. It is now Thursday afternoon and the love keeps flowing out of me in the form of fluid out of a chest tube in my heart. I am at KU hospital and will stay here until all of the love dissipates.
I have had shortness of breath for some time now and have also had fluid around my heart that comes and gos. Wednesday night I was up unable to breathe and knew things weren't right. Long story short, the fluid had increased considerably and needed to be removed. We are not sure why I have the fluid in the first place but my health has been one big why for a while now. The outlook is good. The chest tube remains in for a few days to make sure we got it all so will be here until Saturday it looks like. Grace is very disappointed as I am that our trip has been postponed. I feel so bad but know that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately a six year old does not get that. I too was really looking forward to seeing them Gators and my family. Love you guys!

Okay, back to the love. Last weekend was incredible, absolutely incredible. Thank you all for making it so special and did I say incredible? To Marisue and Sharon for making the reception so beautiful and organizing everything down to the last detail. You two are the best. To Melanie for the beautiful arrangement of flowers, to Sarah for organizing the dessert divas and to all you divas who brought the desserts. To my family and Hal's parents for traveling and celebrating with us, to Terry, Bill, and Tawnie for coming from so far on short notice.. the list goes on. I feel like I just won an academy award and am leaving people out. I DID win an award. HAL!
I just cannot tell you how awesome the weekend was.
I have to tell you that Hal and I did nothing but get dressed. Everything was provided by all of you incredible people and by God. His presence was everywhere and in everyone. I have to say that I do not even remember seeing most of you at the ceremony as my eyes were fixated on the crucifix and on Hal.
I will post more later ad hopefully have some pictures to share. I will also keep you posted on this fluid thing. Please do not worry. Just another bump in the road.'we love you all!!!!

We are saddened to say that we did not get the results that we were hoping for. The cancer continues to spread in my liver and in my back and some still in my chest area. Numb is a good description of how we feel. Today is a new day and I have a bit of a better perspective on things.

The plan as of now is to do nothing but enjoy some plans that have already been made. Hal and I are renewing our wedding vows on September 6th. It is our ten year anniversary and we thought it most appropriate considering circumstances. If you are reading this then you are invited to come and join us. My brothers and their kids along with Grace and I are flying down to Florida to watch the Gators play in the swamp. Nothing like seeing a game there I tell ya! So I plan to enjoy the next few weeks and do all that i can and then it's back to work on killing this cancer.

My doctor once again gave me a list of treatments to try and like Hal says it's like playing spin the bottle when it comes to choosing. Most of the stuff she recommended is some really hard core stuff but I guess if we want to start getting down and dirty then that's what I'll do.I am scheduled to return to treatment on sept. 16th. To be truthful, I feel like giving up sometimes that I cannot possibly keep doing this but when I look into my girls eyes then i know that i can do it. I don't want them to ever ask why mom gave up.

People keep asking me if I am ready for school to start and the answer has always been no but as I listen to the girls fight in the next room I can officially say I AM READY!
They are ready as well and are excited to find out who their teachers are be with their friends and away from each.
My mom came in from Colorado and has been here almost a week which has been really nice. She has gotten to spend lots of quality time with us and help in any way that she can.
This is my week off from chemo and feeling pretty good. I have been tapering off of my steroids and can feel a difference in how I feel. My breathing is more labored and my cough is coming back. Plus the steroids were what gave me some energy and can feel that depleting as well. But still my day is still doable and that is all I can ask for. A note to some of you if you see my sneak out of a large crowd or gathering. My senses are very sensitive I guess from the chemo. I cannot handle loud noises. It over sensitizes me big time, strange I know but just letting you know. So at church or at a restaurant if you see me sneaking out the door that is why.
Once again we have been amazed at your outpouring of love and devotion to our family. There have been lots of you making donations to a fund that was set up for us so that I could seek out some alternative therapies that can be expensive and not covered by our insurance. Thank you so much, because of you I am able to do just that. We are blessed with great insurance and prescription plan and we are able to keep up with our bills among all the craziness. Until we find out what the results of mt CT scan is next week, we are kind of in a holding pattern on what our next decisions will be. Whether we seek other options elsewhere or better yet that the cancer is diminishing or even better that it is GONE!
Keep up with the prayers. Have a great week.

Hanging On To Summer

August is here which means we are on the countdown until school starts. I really am not ready to get back into that dreaded routine and let go of the lazy days of summer. Especially not looking forward to getting up before 9:00am.
Wednesday will be the end of the third cycle of my chemo. There is no plan on how many i will do ( I guess how ever many it takes). We will do scans on the 26th to see if this is working. I know you are all praying for me but maybe a few extra rosaries for me on that day would be appreciated. My CT scan is at 8:00am. My blood counts (red and white) have been high the past few weeks which i thought was good. Usually low blood counts are bad and leave you susceptible to all kinds of stuff but the doc says that high ones indicate that I am dehydrated so last week and here on out i will get a bag of fluid hung. I drink water all day and really don't feel it but when I went to press a towel on my leg and the indention stayed a while led me to believe perhaps there was some truth to the matter. I am doing well. Staying upright and still doing what i can. My cough has gotten much better but still have trouble catching a breath here and there. and tend to get around at a much slower pace. You may have noticed that my hair is growing back in YEAH! Apparently you don't lose hair with this chemo which is so nice because with this heat the wigs would stay in the closet.
I met with my ENT last week about my voice. My right vocal cord has begun to bow out due to my depletion of muscle mass and usage. Go figure! so next month we will go in and really take a look around and get to the bottom of this I hope. God has added to my lack of talking by the side affects of the chemo which is mouth sores. Last night the inside layer on the right side of my mouth just completely peeled off. Lovely I know. Actually today it feels much better but still hard to eat certain foods. Many of you who have seen me notice that I have lost some weight which I have. Some of it is due to my lack of appetite and nausea but some of it has to do also with my change in diet. I have been juicing lots of greens and beets and doing some protein shakes and other changes. Can't seem to shake the ice cream craving though. With the money you have all raised for us I have started doing colonics which is as much fun as it sounds but it is a way to get rid of all the toxins and help my body absorb the good food and juicing that I am doing. I am also seeing a natural wellness provider who can analyze my blood and tell me what vitamins I am lacking, what foods to eat and avoid and supplements I need to fight the cancer. I meet with him next week and am really excited to see what he says. Thanks to all of you who have shared your research and ideas to me to get me well and cure this crap.
I wish I could come up with a better way to say thank you because it seems like that is all I say but really want you to know how we truly feel by all of this. You humble us and spoil us and love us so much that we just want to squeeze each one of you and let you know how truly we love you. Hal and i have learned so much from all of you that we try to incorporate a way in which we can help a family or person in need in even the smallest of ways. The girls have seen all of you do so much for us and I know your kids have also witnessed the beauty in serving others.
Huge love and praises to all of you who worked so hard on the drive thru BBQ especially Mark and Erin who hosted their home as the setup and delivery station and to all the behind the scenes angels and of course those who enjoyed the awesome food. Another huge hug and squeeze to Amy Loehr who made all of the awesome cupcakes for the cause. I was blown away by the amount of cupcakes she put out over the last month.
I leave you with today's scripture reading.. 2 COR 9:6-10
Brothers and sisters:Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.Each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion,for God loves a cheerful giver.Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you,so that in all things, always having all you need,you may have an abundance for every good work.As it is written:
He scatters abroad, he gives to the poor;his righteousness endures forever.
The one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for foodwill supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

May you all reap bountifully for all that you have done for us! Have a great week.

God Is Kind And Merciful

My days continue to be filled with strength and energy. I had chemo last Wednesday and was at the Zoo on Thursday. Friday and Saturday I could feel a bit of slow down but able to still keep on my feet and enjoy this beautiful weather we have been having. Each morning i get up I about cry thanking God for this day and every day there after. I know that it is his loving mercy that is bringing me this zest. Also to do with this is of course is your loving prayers, countless selfless acts of mercy like selling cupcakes and salsa, asking the local nail place to contribute proceeds to our family, setting up a trust to help pay for our medical bills, taking me to Mi Ranchito and getting me caught up on your lives, clipping thorns off our trees, hanging prayer flags in our back yard, and getting me to let go of items that remind me of my brokenness and replacing them with a big fat bunny that reminds me that I am full of life and hope. (Debbie and Nancy you get that one) My friends and faith community have shown me their faith by carrying me along the way. I can't help but think of the Gospel reading where four men carried a paralytic up to the roof and dropped him into the place where Jesus was. They had such faith in Jesus to heal him. You too have faith and it emits throughout our community and to many many other people else where. I feel as though it is my responsibility to speak out about what i have learned in my journey, and that is to show people to Christ. I know to lots of you I got a rolling of the eyes and that is okay. I used to do the same. Ask him to come into your heart and he will be right there beaming at you asking "what took you so long? Let's talk".
All of these things just show us how God is truly present in all of us. As Hal said this morning...
"Sometimes He can be such a show off!" Thank you all of you. We love you so very much and just can't say it enough.

As I said, I had chemo last Wednesday and then again tomorrow with the following week off. My doctor had little to say except my liver enzyme counts were down which is good and that we would keep up with this plan for a while and that I was looking so much better. She doesn't want to see me for another three weeks which is a huge deal because I think I have seen her every week for the past seven months. That to me is progress. I see the ENT the first of August as my voice has still not come back form the vocal cord surgery. Supposedly it was not as easy as just fixing it, the chemo along with the cancer in the bronchi is also irritating something and we now have to look deeper and work harder at bringing my voice back. It has been really annoying as no one can hear me and repeating myself just puts added stress on my voice so most of the time I say not everything that needs to be said which is probably a good thing.
Next week the family is headed to Grand Lake in Oklahoma. Our friends the Martens have lent us their timeshare there for a few days. No plans but togetherness, swimming and more togetherness. I really cannot tell you how enough how grateful and good I feel. The past seven months have been grueling and to the point that I thought that this was the way it was going to be from here on out. Many a days would I sit and beg for God's mercy if I could just enjoy my life that I have left, how it would be full of his goodness and beauty. He has blessed me with just that and I don't care if this cancer has spread throughout my body, I have been given my life back, perhaps for just a little while, that doesn't matter. I intend to live and give and to love. I intend to become the person he created me to be. I intend to be a better christian, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. My illness along with my faith has led me to see things in relation to God's plan for my salvation and the salvation of others.
Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
test my heart and mind.
For your steadfast love
is before my eyes
and I walk in faithfulness to you
PSALM 26:2-3