Ann Schierts

Springtime Hope

2011-03-23T21:15:00.006-05:00

Peace be with all of you -

The grass is turning green and tulips are in bloom here in Kansas City. I hope this finds each of you well and taking time this Lent season to "fast" from the things that keep you from growing closer to God.

For the girls and I, so many blessings are continually poured out on us from Him through our many friends and family. First, I have found and started a new job with a local company that will keep the girls within their support network and allow us to pay the mortgage. On the day I received the job offer an orchid that we received in July and has been dormant since suddenly bloomed -- it was like heaven was smiling on the event. The flower has since opened a total of 12 blooms and remains a reminder of looking for the wonderfully beautiful moments of His grace in our daily lives. Some of the other blooms coincided with friends birthdays, friends job offers, and many other wonderful happenings. Its color is purple - the color that represents hope.

The girls continue through school and Grace has missed much due to illnesses but seems to be back on the healthy side again. Zoe has turned 10 and has had another surgery (now 20+) and did well - what a trooper and I pray that it helps her continue to relieve pain and improve muscle functions. We are all looking forward to Grace's 1st Communion - she has a beautiful dress and thanks to helping hands of friends she will have her hair done up way beyond my skills for the event. I have wonderful girls.

Recently, I came across a quote from Alexander Graham Bell ...
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

The quote became meditation and inspiration for me as I realized that I did not want to be consumed with looking backwards at events of the past even as treasured and sacred as they were are now are behind a closed door. I am able cherish memories and times past but must move forward with the here and now - God isn't the God of I was. Nor, is He the God of I will be. He is the eternal I AM - he is here now in this very moment. I know many of you may wish Ann was still with us - holding on to the way things were. However, I believe she is serving you still now in your current moments in her capacity in heaven. Through a number of messages from above, I am receiving the clear message to see the open doors in my life. In a beautiful way, this is the message and lesson of the orchid - to be in the present and to enjoy life through serving others.

If this message finds you "regretfully looking at a closed door of your past" I pray this message of Springtime Hope may help you in some small way towards the healing you may need in your life as well.

God is so good and I am so wonderfully blessed.
May God's mercy and grace rest upon you.
Hal

Jesus I Trust in You

2011-01-28T22:05:00.003-06:00

Greetings all -

The title is from the Divine Mercy image revealed to St. Faustina. I find it is a good phrase to repeat to keep myself focused on Him rather than me.

Its ironic at times that I find myself thinking that blue sky is on the way. Wanting and waiting for the way of the cross to get easier for some illogical reason -- the reality is the opposite. The more we tune into His ways the greater the burden seems...and then, when we finally let Him take over, we laugh and wonder what the big deal was in the first place for it seems suddenly too easy. Sure the burdens and suffering are still there. However, instead of our puny ability to withstand then, we receive supernatural assistance and the burden is made easy and the yoke is light.

For me, trust is the piece that I need to return to again and again to give me the confidence in taking the next step. I know in the uncertainties ahead that Jesus desires to be with me, my girls and all of you. At each step, it is my choice, and yours too my friends, if I trust and let Jesus lead or if I try to do it the hard way (my way) first. How entertaining we must be to our Father in Heaven?

Zoe, Grace and I are back into the swing of school and work. Grace is so much looking forward to her First Communion - and I am too. Zoe is mere days away from being 10! That milestone somehow makes me feel a bit older. I am truly blessed with great kids. Most days I feel like we are getting the bare minimum necessary items done - as much as we try to slow down there is always the busyness of school. I wish there were more hours in each day so that I could spend 8 hours giving each of them all the comfort and attention they deserve. Unfortunately, that simply isn't the typical work/school day.

I am still in search of an answer to what the next step in my career may be -- I am blessed with some recent leads and help on this front. We are working on being more ordered in our day and week to simplify our days and make more room for prayer, family and friends.

God bless you.
Hal

Back to the routine...

2011-01-02T22:51:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all.

We have had a good break from our normal routine to celebrate Jesus' Birthday and to enjoy some good family times together. There were also many great times with several of our friends as well. Certainly, things were different this year and each of us had moments where we needed to take a moment to remember Ann and long for her to still be with us physically.

We didn't do everything that would have normally been done -- that was completely ok as Christ isn't in the cookies... I have to say though that I learned a lot about the immense planning and details that I took for granted in the past -- beyond the cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, dinners, cards, decorations, etc.. Wow -- its a lot to do. Not that I slacked before, but I never really fully appreciated all that was done. Fellas -- if you're reading this please take a moment to thank your wife for all that she does.

In the past few weeks, God has given me the grace to be in the moment and really appreciate the beauty of my daughters and how if the moment is just right how much they reflect their mother's beauty as well. I am blessed with their love and pray that I may lead them closer to Jesus this year through daily prayer and all the love I can channel from Him to them.

We have continued to be touched by the Father's Love in many ways through you -- in your prayers and thoughtfulness in actions. I thank you over and over again.
Hal

Balance or balancing act...

2010-11-15T21:26:00.003-06:00

Peace be with you all.

I have a free moment and thought that I should update the blog -- it amazes me that we're soon to be 4 months past Ann's death. I must say that every day Zoe, Grace and I and so many of you too miss her in so many ways.

Yes. There are moments of joy in our struggles too -- Grace has had her 8th birthday with much pageantry and fanfare. She has also received her 1st reconciliation this past weekend and was happy as she is one step closer to her 1st Communion.

Fall sports are over -- Zoe's volleyball team took 2nd place in an end of year tournament and Grace finished up soccer. I must admit that I am relieved of some of the burden and busyness of practices and games. Often with the girls needing to be in two places at the same time, I am thankful for many of you that were so generous to help.

Mostly, these past months have been all about the daily school / work activities that test our virtue of perseverance. I remain in search of a new employment opportunity as the expectation still is that the office I work at will be moved to Denver.

I feel we are still in survival mode on most days and am pleased that no one has gone hungry, dirty, or unloved. We trust God to care for us and as long as we keep our focus on Him rather than the trivial, self made, expectations we give ourselves to carry the day is good.

I took the opportunity to attend a talk on Saturday put on by the Apostles of the Interior Life where the speaker's meditation was on "Balance". She reminded me of how backwards our culture has it when it comes to creating that holy balance in our lives. My typical approach in the past has been to give a slice of time and talent to a lengthy list of to-do's and expectations -- a balancing act; I covered all the bases but not with the holy care they deserved. The reality was that many of those items really were of my own creation and not God's will for me. Nothing that was evil or bad per se just busyness. Sister Elena reminded us that we need to be properly ordered first for God then for relationships with others and ourselves. Way down the priority list would be the acquiring and care of material things. How strange this approach is in our world. How liberating to not chase after things that will not pass with us to heaven.

I am guilty of many years of not seeing God's beauty in His creation - including the creation of His people. I tell you that I have witnessed many beautiful sights in nature this fall, but I am really enjoying this new ability to enjoy each of you that I meet and interact with daily. Of course, this seems easiest to see in my daughters -- how beautiful, how wonderfully made! It amazes me how many times we can be awe struck by an impressive sunset -- do we find the same awe in a friend, a family member or perhaps a stranger? Mother Teresa would call this finding Jesus in disguise of others. I endeavor each moment to soak in the beauty God has put in this world in the others that I meet.

I pray for you that you too see this beauty and can work on balance.
God Bless
Hal

Day by Day

2010-09-20T22:03:00.002-05:00

Peace be with all of you.

I am sorry that it has been so long since I've posted an update. We have had many ups and downs -- usually many times a day and we take each as they come. School has started back in full swing and I've learned that coordinating the activities and all of the school & household chores is a lot of work. For you married folk out there, I pray that you appreciate the gift of each other. My girls are learning to chip in more and more and become helpful and responsible (or at least some of the time).

We have forgotten a couple of lunches and bringing Grace's class a snack to school but I must say that for the most part the kids are where they need to be and completing their school work. My hat is off to all of the single parents out there -- I never knew how much relentless work you experienced. I have learned to take a break from many of my own personal activities in favor of providing more of me to my kids -- at least for now.

We continue to experience His love around us and we spend more time simply appreciating a beautiful sunset that God provides as an amazing display of His beauty through nature. I notice the beauty of my girls much more and try to be conscious to soak in them to be with them in the moment. I pray that being busy (Martha as Ann would say) does not take me or you over. We are finding the blessing of rest on Sunday -- no chores just time together. These girls are such a precious gift and I wish I was able to do more for them. In the end, I know that His love is sufficient for them as well as myself. I pray that I can draw them closer to Him.

We have completed the burial of Ann's remains -- she is in Resurrection Cemetery if you want to stop by the grave. We have attended many Masses offered for her and prayed countless prayers. The girls both have different grieving activities as I know many of you do as well having talked with some of you. I myself struggle at times too - I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes, ... you get the idea -- but, at the same time, I do not feel that she is not with me. We truly knew that God brought us to our soul mate and that has not ceased even in her death. I continue to be hopeful and want to encourage you to keep focused on the life to come, to trust God in all that you do, to seek His will over your own, and to share your gifts with each other in acts of love / charity.

I do have two other news worthy topics to share with you.

First, Ann's mom died last Friday. August 17, 2010 -- two months to the day later than her daughter. I pray they are together in heaven. Please pray for Glendore McLaughlin.

Second, the CEO of our company informed us a couple of weeks ago that the long term plan would be for the corporate office and accompanying services where I work will be relocated to Denver within the next 2 years (or sooner). For the good of my girls, I will not be able to make that transition -- so, if you know of any good companies in need of an IT guy (Project Manager in Healthcare) please let me know.

Yes - some days it does seem like the book of Job has much to offer for reflection. Perhaps its best said by Mother Teresa ... "Do something beautiful for God today".

My prayers will be with you all.
Hal

How Beautiful

2010-07-28T20:14:00.003-05:00

Peace be with all of you.

I must start by saying thank you to everyone who has called, written, attended the visitation, and the funeral. Thank you; Thank you; Thank you.

It was apparent to all just how much you all love Ann and our family with an estimated 500+ people at the funeral. It is also apparent how much that God loves us and how touching it is as you care for one another as well.

I have witnessed many beautiful scenes of nature, the birth of my children, my wife on our wedding day... I must say the way that all reached out through the visitation and funeral transformed that time into something sacred, holy and beautiful for me. Odd as that may sound, I felt the Father's love through each hug, kiss, and tear shed with you. He is surrounding us with love the way that only He can. I have learned that when God decides to show you His love that it will be through a broad array of people, nature, sounds, smells, and touch. Without taking a moment to step back to see He is at work, we may write something off as a coincidence -- I try not to if I can.

The funeral itself started with the same song that Ann walked down the isle last year for our 10 year wedding vow renewal -- "How Beautiful". It was an emotional moment for me as I followed the casket into church all the time refecting on the joy I felt last year versus the pain I was feeling now. It was hard -- as the Mass proceeded I was touched by all the ways that many of you contributed to having this be a beautiful goodbye for Ann. I was very touched by the homily from Fr. Craig -- it was spot on. Perhaps I will be able to get the text and post it here for all to read. The music was beautiful (many of Ann's favorites) the readings seemed written specifically for the occassion even though they come straight from scripture and I couldn't have hoped for things to have been any better.

I have had many prayers in these past few weeks -- God is gracious and merciful to us and has answered many of these prayers -- we are so blessed. Now, my family is pursuing a new "normal". We are working through getting setup for school and the logistics that are involved. My parents have been so helpful -- as well as many of you too; thank you. I don't think Zoe, Grace and I really know what "normal" looks like ourselves -- other than that the 3 of us are closer than ever before and we have learned to slow down and enjoy each other. Sure there are struggles each day -- we are working through them; the greiving will certainly be long and at times tough but know that our trust remains in God and He will provide the graces to us that are needed in just the moment that we need them.

To all that wonder what is next, I pray this motivation you feel to help via the Holy Spirit continues and that you seek a way to reach out in love to those around you wherever that may be and share the gifts that you have been given. Do not dispair. God is faithful and good - He loves each of us beyond all measure.

Sounds simple huh? Perhaps, but I believe that is exactly what we are called to do each moment of our day -- I just need not to make it more complicated... How beautiful is the body of Christ...

Hal

Ann's Goodbye Ceremonies

2010-07-19T08:09:00.002-05:00

Peace be with you...

I wanted to get some quick information about visitation and funeral out to you that are wise with technology.

Her visitation will be on Wednesday night from 6-8 pm with a rosary following. The funeral will be on Thursday morning at 10 am. Both of these events will be at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Shawnee, KS.
5501 Monticello Rd, Shawnee, KS 66226

The funeral home taking care of all of the arrangements is Alden Harrington Funeral Home (913)422-4074

We are asking that any donations in lieu of flowers be made to the Sacred Heart of Jesus School Endowment Fund.

With love and prayer.
Hal

We all miss Ann!!!

2010-07-18T11:45:00.000-05:00

Zoe here - At 4:00AM was probably the worst goodbye and crying and emotions shared in room 21. My mom died with love and hope & some memories to carry with her to heaven. A double rainbow that Mike talked about that appeared right out on our front doorstep on Friday after the storm welcoming her to heaven.

We Love You Mom!!!

Ann Elizabeth Schierts 1966-2010

In the arms of Jesus

2010-07-17T19:52:00.002-05:00

Peace be with you all -

Ann passed on to our Lord at 4 am today. She passed in peace while I was holding her hand. I love her so much and there is certainly an emptiness in the house today. I know that she is in the love of God with all of her pain removed. She will remain connected to us all and we now have a beautiful soul in heaven advocating for us.

The day she passed while a blur was at the same time sacred - I was by her side doing my best not to be the Martha but instead witnessing the love being poured out on her by our heavenly Father through the double rainbow Mike mentioned as well as so many caring friends and family. She spent many moments of prayer through the weeks and days leading up today. She witnessed rosaries being said for her on our driveway -- what a witness to the children. She had the opportunity to be well prepared for her death by Father Craig and she was at extreme peace.

If I were to have a message in this it would be twofold. 1) I heard Ann say it many times; slow down be open to how God is working around / through each of us; we have such a tendency to rush to fill the void of needs with our own skills / approaches that we, at times, prevent God from doing the work that is His -- when God answers it is elegant and flows with love; 2) Focus more on the hope of heaven rather than the challenges of this earthly life. As I said to Zoe and Grace, its ok for us to have boo hoo's (down moments) but we need also to looking for the woo hoo's (up moments) as well. Please, please, please, let Ann's passing not become a stumbling block for you with God. This disease, cancer, was the culprit not some uncaring or sadistic action of God. God is good and I am very comforted by the knowledge that my dear lovely Ann is with Jesus.

Zoe, Grace and I now take up the process of grieving as I know many of you will do in your way as well. Please know that we will forever trust in the Lord and in His goodness.

Ann -- save that dance for me when I join you.

Hal

The Double Rainbow

2010-07-17T00:01:00.002-05:00

Mike Book here, filling in for Hal, who has not left Ann's side for several hours. Ann has been moved to the Hospice House. We do not know when her Father will call her home, but it will likely be soon. She has said goodbyes. There have been tears, smiles, kisses and laughter. We were reminded today that God is not in the thunder, He is not in the wind, He is not in the storm. No, He is the slightest whisper. He is the double rainbow that appeared over Ann's house today after the tempest blew over. He is the "I love you" that has been repeated so many times today. I have witnessed His beauty in the selfless love poured out by friends and family, and by Ann and Hal as they openly share the precious gift of allowing us all to participate in these moments. There is no greater love than to give your life for your friends. I love you Ann.

Sneaking Away

2010-07-04T18:20:00.003-05:00

Hi All, it's me Ann giving Hal the break this time. I am up in my room listening to the all the sweet sounds of all my nephews and Zoe and Grace having fun blowing up a 2 second firecracker. Oh do you remember those days?
My three brothers along with their families are all here enjoying memories and creating more. even though i am exhausted and in some pain, I continue to ask God to keep me in the present, to let me hold on to this present that he has given to me. I keep reminding the girls that this is so rare where we can come together and celebrate our lives and to see each other in this atmosphere for the last time. How many people get this? How many people just leave this earth in an instant? Truly a blessing is all I can say.
Hal has told you all about the miraculous angels that flutter about all day and I think about how this is just an average day for the heavenly angels though we are too busy to stop and take notice.
You should see my beautiful room that I have. all you ladies have such talent and my peaceful room painted a serene blue with hints of pinks and whites so much remind me of my heavenly mother who awaits me. I can' t tell you the peace and serenity I feel each time I take the moment to rest in there. I am not ready to make it my full time residence just yet but oh how good it will be when I do. This past week has transpired into such a fantastic love fest and Jesus awakes me every morning with a smile on his face and a sort of slant in his neck saying "ready yet"? No lord, I'm not. Then he sends one of his angels named Sarah and we begin our day reading scripture and worshiping his name.
Thank you all for respecting our privacy, I know this is hard on you and that you only wish to see me and make sure I am ok but it does take a lot of energy for me each day to talk as my voice has gotten much weaker and I rely on my oxygen throughout the day.
I have read each card and feel your love, know that I am goood and dressed and even showered each day! I receive communion every afternoon and just watch and listen to the day.
The girls are so smart and so helpful. They understand as much as possible and really show their faith by talking about what is to come and what is troubling them. Although nothing is wrong in their world this second as their older cousins help them turn into little pyromaniacs.
Until the next time my friends, keep this love for me and spread it others who have no one to pray for them. I can share I can share.
Ann

Showered by love

2010-07-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

Peace and blessings to you.

Luke 1:46-47 And Mary said: "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior."

Ann and I are overwhelmed by the love of God being showered on our family -- such a great abundance of graces being poured out by heaven. It is so beautiful and humbling. I have said to Zoe and Grace many times that if they wonder just how much God loves mommy they simply can watch the flow of blessings coming through our front door. So too, my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord! My gr attitude to our Lord and all of His helpers.

We are blessed with good care from the hospice team and the house has been made ready for the anticipated events to follow. A big thanks to all of the ladies from the painting crew who did a beauty make over on the room that will be used by Ann. Of course, this is one of the many touching acts of charity which also include: prayers, flowers, food, gifts, cards, hugs, and the list goes on. You are all wonderful.

Physically, Ann has had a bad day and a good day since the last update. I find that she tires easily and we simply out of our own frailty not able to keep up with all of the calls, e-mails, text messages. We both wish we could have the energy and want you to know we are praying for you too. Knowing how easily she tires I would ask all to consider sending or leaving a card. For those that do stop by, I would suggest that early afternoon is the best time for Ann and we have created a stop-light code on the door to let you know if she's accepting visitors (red means she's pooped out or feels like poop; green means its ok to stop). If you do stop, I would ask that we keep visits to a short 15 minute duration with limited number of people at a time.

Ann's spirits remain good. She has received Confession, Anointing, and daily Eucharist. She has a prayer partner come by each day to be with her and Zoe and her even together do the daily Mass readings. I would love to see that habit continue for Zoe (and perhaps a few of you out there too?). In addition, some of the Little Sisters of the Lamb came to the house today to pray with Ann and the family. They are such a blessing to Kansas City - I pray that each of you can meet them yourselves too.

I opened with the words of Mary as I often reflect on her witness of the suffering of Jesus as a good source of learning and application in my life as I witness Ann's suffering. Mary was remarkable. In her Yes to God's request, I learn that each action in every moment is our opportunity to say Yes to God's request in our lives. Mostly, they are little requests for me as I am little compared to Mary and certainly more so compared to God. But, think about the love that is unleashed when all of us choose Yes together -- for me, I see some small portrait of that at my front door each day. Being the mother of Jesus was not Mary's goal in life. Neither was cancer Ann's goal -- how beautiful the painting becomes when God combines all of our Yes choices both great and small to His will?

Keep the faith -- God loves you and desires your Yes today.
Hal

Letting go...is hard to do.

2010-06-28T22:35:00.002-05:00

Hal here again ---

Today's visit with Ann's oncologist brought us to the realization that Ann's valiant fight against this disease has not been successful. The growth of the cancer in her liver has progressed and so rather than to have her final days filled with chemo and hospitals -- we instead opted for signing up for hospice. I must say a sincere thanks to all of the wonderful doctors, nurses, and others that have cared so well for Ann.

The time remaining is unknown -- we are led to believe that 3-6 weeks is likely. I have such mixed feelings between deepest of sorrow to relief that her pain will end and she will be soon able to see heaven.

Of course, my greatest concern about Ann's parting is, has been and will be for our two beautiful children that God has given to us. I know that the Lord will provide -- I wish God in His infinite mercy can ease their pain. I also know that I can count on so many of you acting as his angels will be with us in this tough times ahead to help.

To you the readers of this blog, I will with Ann's permission continue to post her beautiful transition from this life to the next. I fully trust that God still has many wonderful blessings that He intends to shower on all of us through this process.

I so love you my dear and will be with you every step of the way.
God Bless.
Hal

It was the best of times and the worst of times...

2010-06-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

Hal here -- guest writing for Ann to everyone.

Ann was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday as she indicated in her last note -- though she was weak and tired. I thought we were headed back to the hospital for a while on Wednesday and Thursday with her pain pretty severe, shortness of breath, and nausea. She is now on oxygen and the effects of chemo seem to be waning some. She goes back in to seek Dr. Fabin on Monday to discuss her liver biopsy results and plan the next steps in treatment. Our understanding at this point will be continued chemo of some kind. We did find out that the experimental drug will not be a good match for her based on the early indications of the biopsy -- as always we are in His hands and we feel that we've reached a cross roads in the journey.

The girls have had the blessing of my parents here to spoil them for a few days followed by my aunt. It was great to see Zoe, Grace and Aunt Susie having a squirt gun fight on the back deck -- wish we had that one on video. The girls have also enjoyed sleep overs, going to theater in the park, and the laid back days of summer. Zoe, our traditional early riser, has even found that sleeping in has its benefits.

The gospel reading for today (Mt 8:5-17) brings us the story of the faith of the centurion and several examples of Jesus healing the possessed and sick "to fulfill what had been said by Isaiah the prophet: He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases." I ask Jesus several times a day to take away this disease from Ann if it is His will. I realize there is so much of His love and graces being poured out on Ann at this time -- I feel it in the prayers, cards, meals, flowers, and love you send to Ann -- thank you.

I pray that Ann and I remain open to His will and to love each other, our children and you with the grace of His love. We know of so many of you that have your own crosses too. It is important for you to share those hardships with the rest of the body of Christ -- that is, you see, how His love is made present and real -- it is in each of us caring for and taking care of those in need around us. It is a two part equation: 1) someone in need, one afflicted with suffering of some form; and 2) someone with a gift given by the Holy Spirit to give or offer others.

So, if you are in need and hurting (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and you don't seek His help through your neighbor -- that is going to keep His graces from reaching you -- it takes humility and that is hard. If you have some gift to give and you don't seek out opportunities to make those available to those in need -- it may be judgmental or selfish; it takes acts of charity which lead us to love of God's people. So, both kinds of people are needed and often both parts (needs and gifts) are present within each of us. I know its hard and we allow the devil to trick us so often on both parts but in your heart you know that you feel the God's love when both parts are exchanged with His will at the core. You see, in the exchange, God's love is made present to both persons -- its a beautiful thing.

Jesus, you know us. You know what we need. I pray that you help us to be open, to be vulnerable, to be willing to be loved by You through others. I pray that you give us wisdom to become more aware of the gifts that the Holy Spirit has provided to us AND that we use these gifts each day to benefit your creation.

I thank you for the blessings of my wife and family. I pray that I may be a worthy channel of your love to to others.

Peace be with you all.

Back In KU

2010-06-20T11:33:00.004-05:00

Are you following me because I am having a hard time following my whereabouts these days.

Yes, judging by my tiredness and beautiful pajamas along with lack of sleep, I can say that I am back in the hospital. After my liver biopsy on Wednesday I began experiencing the same back and stomach pain I had on Sunday evening. I called Dr F. and they got me in immediately to the cancer center for another ct of my abdomen and liver. Turns out that the fluid around my liver had increased even though we had just drained it and that I had a bit in my left lung and a bunch (2liters) in my abdomen. Got the abdomen and lung drained and will now put in more permanent drain i my liver and abdomen tomorrow. The fluid will continue to grow until we can get the liver tumor under control so this way I can drain it as needed rather than come in here every other day and have them do it. We also started some chemo yesterday. The non approved FDA chemo that we feel confident will help is a process to receive since it not yet approved so in the interim, we will start this other chemo until we are approved. Very fast and head spinning but trust trust trust faith faith faith day by day byday. I blogging to you at the super nice resource center here on the cancer floor so need to just get to you the basics of what is going on. After pseudo permanent drains placed tomorrow around ten a.m. I should be able to go home. Please say special prayers for my mom.She is on her way to the ER with heart pain and has a hard time breathing over the past few months. Please pray that they find something to help her once and for all. For Hal's dad as he is experiencing pain from his side affects of diabetes. For Judith who takes care of us all, for Hal well you know the directions he gets pulled. Please pray for strength and for a relaxing Father's Day for him and all of our dads. For Joe Bidnick and Mike O'Connor may they feel the love of God pouring over them. I will keep you posted as usual.
Love, Me

I Have Learned To Be Content Whatever The Circumstances I Can Do Everything Through Him Who Gives Me Strenghth

2010-06-10T08:31:00.008-05:00

I can't believe that it has been a month since I last blogged. Crazy and fun past few weeks is all I can guess. The girls were let loose from school on May 24th and we were off to Florida the next day. Wish I could post some pictures but my computer sucked them away into cyber land and I had already erased them from my camera. Our memories will have to do and what memories we have! Grace was enamoured with the fact that everyone in Florida has pools in their backyard and that's the first thing they did every morning was dive in. My nephews Alex and Nick were confirmed along with about 250 other kids. Watching each of them receive the Holy Spirit was very cool. I pray that they felt the love that was being poured out to them and that they understand the gift that they have received. Okay on to what my scans revealed..... some good some bad news. The good is that my bone mets has significantly decreased in size the bad is that the lesions in my liver have significantly increased along with my tumor markers doubling in the past two weeks. What does all this medical talk mean? Hell, I don't know and I'm not sure sometimes the professionals even know! But what we think is that the cells in my liver are perhaps not the same as that are in my bones. Still considered breast cancer but maybe not fueled by the estrogen that my original biopsy to my sternum showed. I will have a liver biopsy next Wednesday. If the cancer in the liver is not estrogen receptive, then my doctor feels the best plan of action is to try a new chemo which has not yet been approved by the FDA but is very promising with results in the liver. Both Hal and I knew that the results would not be good but just hearing that the cancer is still not under control sent me downhill. I am just tired .....physically and emotionally drained and at the point where I say to hell with it. You win cancer!!! But once again God sent to me an angel with the message of the holy spirit saying YOU DON"T KNOW THAT!!!! and poof I'm back on the Let's kick some ASS campaign. Thank you Linda for hearing the holy spirit and turning your car into my driveway. It's late (now 12:30am) and it's time to Relay for Life here tomorrow. What a perfect time for us to raise the money to find a cure for this $#@$ disease. "Do not get discouraged- it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door" Please continue to pray. We love you so much!

2010-05-13T08:49:00.004-05:00

The rain here just keeps a coming which is nice because everything is so green and beautiful if you can see through the downpours! Much like life I suppose. Amongst the midst of trials still lies so much good to be thankful for. My weekend with the girls was so much fun. The tea party taught us proper manners and I think the girls both know how to place their pinkie out when sipping tea or in their case lemonade. I was awoken by Grace holding a huge cup of coffee in her hands on Mother's Day morning. She even had the right amount of cream in it!
My second round of increased chemo was to begin yesterday but i was sent home because my platelet count was too low. Platelets help your blood clot and since I am on blood thinners as well, it just didn't seem like my body had fully recovered from the last round of chemo so we will try again on Monday. My tumour marker test was not back yet and my doctor would like to do one more increased round of chemo and then do more scans to see if the increased dose is doing anything. Also we will be able to determine if the high doses of estrogen is doing it's job of preventing the cells from forming in the first place. So for those of you who are tracking all of this I will do chemo on May 17th and 24th then have my scans on June 4th and meet back up with my doctor for results and the next plan. Meanwhile i am fairing pretty well. The secret is to keep busy. School gets out in two weeks and I think I am ready. We have plans for most of June and are hoping to get some visits in to Minnesota and Colorado. As usual, it's all day by day around here. God's way of letting me know that I need not get too ahead of myself and to slow down and listen to what his plans are. He and I are back on track and he has been talking non stop. Of course he talks and acts through all of you. Much love and admiration to my friend Lori P. She also is going through treatment and has a devout faith and peace an aura around her. We talked the last couple of days and she brought me such comfort and self assurance. Thank you Lori!
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. Philippians 4: 13

You are my friends. (John 15:14)

2010-05-07T12:51:00.003-05:00

You are my friends and I have felt you all so much lately physically, mentally, and spiritually. Not that I ever doubted for a minute that you were not there but when you sometimes exclude yourself from the world it can get lonely. My fault entirely, needed and necessary.
Today's gospel along with the last few days have brought me back to life and what is needed to get done. Seeing friends and getting caught up in what is going on in their lives and not having the attention solely on how I am feeling is really nice. Directing a good day that I have been given and redirecting it on to someone else who is in need is such a good feeling too. No wonder all of you give so much and no wonder that's all God asks of us. love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. To my Este girls in Jax, I missed you last week so much. Thank you for the serenade. To Terry in Salt lake for always calling at the right time. To my posse here in our Shawnee bubble for always calling, stopping by, and even sneaking into my bedroom and leaving me notes when I am out cold! Thank you all for listening to the Holy spirit and letting him guide you on your days! To Hal, Happy Birthday. Thank you God for bringing him into this world (and thanks to his mom for having a part in it too)
My first cranked up dose of my chemo cocktail was two weeks ago Friday. I was down about three or so days afterwards and back at a lower dose the next week. The second dose was very tolerable and I had a great weekend and then had a day on the couch and then back to life. I forget how crazy we can make our lives and how time really doesn't move as slow as I once thought perhaps watching the clock can do that. Anyhow I am off from cancer land this week and have plans with my girls. Tonight will be movie night tomorrow is the great mother/daughter tea, a brownie bridging ceremony and a pajama birthday party to bring the day to close. Mothers Day will be spent listening to Zoe Rae sing the psalm in church and a soccer game from the G ster. God is good!
This I command you: love one another.” Now go out and do it!

2010-04-16T11:02:00.004-05:00

As tears run down my face from reading Hal's beautiful writing, I ask God why. Why can't he just take it all away? why can't he just heal me? Why can't I just go back to the way things were? Why do my girls have to ask me every day how I am feeling? Why can't I be like other moms who do such a good job at taking care of their families? Why does Hal have to work so hard?
But I also give thanks. Thanks for the great time I shared with Grace and her daisy troop to Omaha. It was so much fun and such a wonderful time spent with Grace and her friends. I hope she always remembers that trip we took together. I am thankful for all the people who continue to help our family and are always there for us at a moments notice. And I am most especially thankful for Hal. What can I say about him? He gives me peace and has always placed us as priority. His love and devotion is true and intense and he puts up with my frustration and grumpiness and still loves me. His life is dedicated to us and I just wish that he could get a break, I wish there was something I could do for him to take him away from his daily grind. When I mention this to him he just smiles and says there is nowhere else he would rather be and then rattles off all the things he is grateful for. How blessed I am to have such a man!
Anyhow, Hal posted the latest on my results. I am down and frustrated and really wanted a break. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed and I am just down and out tired. Today I asked God to either let me stay to or take me now. I can't do this much longer. I want to be the mom wife and friend I used to be. I miss the old me as do most of you I assume.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.

Bloom where you're planted

2010-04-14T18:14:00.002-05:00

Greetings to one and all. Hal here.

Don't be afraid. Ann is fine - she's on field trip with Grace and asked me to fill in for her so that everyone would receive an update.

The news we wanted wasn't what we received today -- the CT scans showed no changes from January/February (good); the PET scan showed some increase in activity in Ann's liver, bones, and pelvic area. The doctor indicated it was a slight increase - so please don't be alarmed. Just it shows that things aren't completely under control. The bad news is that the summer break that Ann was wanting doesn't look like is possible yet. She will need to continue with chemo. However, before she does that she will have a minor surgical procedure next week to remove the filter that was previously put in and then next Thursday its back to the infusion room -- sorry honey.

Ro 8:28 We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose

Ann, I wish I didn't have to watch you suffer. How Mary must have felt to watch Christ. I do know and see the immense love God daily pours out on you - its humbling to see His love in action and know that my fumbling attempts pale in comparison to what God can do. I know that God is working good through this suffering. I also know that it was God's purpose for me to be all that I can be for you - to be your gift. I love you my dear.

So, as Mother Teresa says "Bloom where you're planted" -- choose to trust God that you are right where He needs you. Be open to the good however small that you can do for someone else each day.

May the Hope of the Easter Season be with you all.
He is risen!!!!

Laying Low

2010-03-30T09:02:00.004-05:00

Not much to report which is a good thing. I had chemo last week and will have it again tomorrow. Next week I have a cat scan and PET scan scheduled which will tell us where we are with the cancer. Last month my doctor gave me the indication that I could take a break from the chemo for a while provided their was no growth in tumours and no added activity. Please pray for this. I would love nothing more than to take the summer off and have energy to keep up with the girls.
We have had a great time visiting with both sides of the family for spring break. The McLaughlins came over from Tampa where we celebrated by nephew Alex's 16th birthday and they got to see hopefully our last snow. Aunt Susan got a makeover from Grace (sorry Susan but I just had to post the picture) and the girls learned some new wrestling moves. This past weekend we met Hal's sister and her family in Des Moines for a short visit to the Science Center the hotel pool and some swimming. I am off to Jacksonville the end of April for my yearly girls weekend with my friends from way back. Always such a great time and lots of laughter. Our summer trips include Tampa Minnesota and Colorado. Hence the reason why I want to be rid of chemo and not even think about a doctor's appt!!!!
Please pray for my friend Lori who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will have surgery on April 15th. Also for Wendy who was admitted to Hospice care and for all women suffering form this dreadful disease. The robins are chirping and I saw some daffodils this morning. Life is good Christ has risen and you are exactly where you need to be. Be good to one another and spread the love.

Are You There Spring?

2010-02-25T15:58:00.004-06:00

What a great way to be welcomed home! I had so many cards from you that it took me three days to open them all. Even Zoe's class and the other third grade class inundated me with such creative and loving cards. Thank you Sacred Heart students for all your love! You rock
It's about that time where we are all at the point of being oh so over winter and the cold that it brings. It seems as though it has brought more to our household. Since I got out of the hospital I have been on the couch with little energy and terrible nausea. Today is my first good day and I am so very grateful for it. Along with my dilemmas also comes that of the rest of the family. Grace has missed another week of school due to a sinus infection which is not a huge deal but the antibiotic they put her on has given her severe stomach cramps and is just not comfortable at all. There is nothing worse than to hear your child cry in agony and there is absolutely nothing you can do. On top of that a nice little round of head lice has infested the school and yup, the girls got it. My prayers have been for Hal to stay healthy but God had other plans and because of all his running and taking care of EVERYTHING he has now battling a cold. Of course he is blowing if off as no big deal. Anyhow, things can only get better and they will. I know I sound hopeful now but I have to be honest and say that my trust and faith in my God was taken aback as I did nothing but ask him to help me and rid me of my pain. Once again my time frame and his are not quite synched and I was angry. For some reason it is hardest for me to pray and draw closer to Him when I am suffering. You would think it would be opposite. But when I did sit down and read my bible of course He answered me and made the words literally jump right out at me....
Isaiah 49; 14-16 The lord has forsaken me my lord has forgotten me. Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget i will never forget you. See upon the palms of my hands I have written your name your walls are ever before me.
I do believe at times that God has forgotten me, that he doesn't see nor hear me... why doesn't he just do what i ask when I ask??? Because he has different plans- plans which are mysterious and hidden from me. I will continue to pray for the grace I need to bear my suffering patiently which he has now heard and given me. I am feeling so much better and can now understand a bit better what he has in store for me. I know that his plan includes telling you about my story. I need to share with you what I 've learned about Christ through our challenges and our thanksgiving for all that he has given me and my family. Al thought we undergo our trials we wouldn't change what we have learned about our faith and our God.
The sun is shining and the month of February is almost over. Soon we will see little bits of green popping out and perhaps some flowers. I will wait patiently for the change in season because I know it will come, that's how He has planned it.

Goodbye KU Hospital

2010-02-11T16:25:00.003-06:00

I was told today that tomorrow I will be discharged. YAHOO is all I can say to that! Oh and AMEN. It has been a long 15 days here at KU hospital and although the entire staff is nothing but fabulous, I am ready to go home and see my family and sleep in my oh so missed sleep number bed.
Let's see what has happened since Hal last blogged for me (and what an incredible job he did. He has such a great way with words. I told him that he could take over for me anytime. Thanks honey I love you). Last Friday I had a simple procedure done in the radiology department where they inserted a filter in my chest which does just that, it filters any clots that may produce and catches them before they can gather in my lung.
Yesterday they put me under and did a laproscopy to my right lung. The CT scans were still showing strange nodules and so we decided the laproscopy could tell us more. Well it did, it told us that there was definitely no cancer in the lung and that the most probable reason why I began bleeding in the first place was because of the blood thinner they had me on. Such great news!!!! The new plan of action is to put me on a very low dose of coumadin (a blood thinner) and send me home. I am feeling pretty good, a bit tired but good.
I can't wait to get back to Shawnee and see all of you and personally thank you once again to seeing that me and my family were taken care of. Your love for us shows in all the little and great things that you so unselfishly take on.
Hal's parents are here and as usual have been a huge help. They got here and immediately took charge of what needed to be done. It's so nice that they know the kid's schedule and can just take over at a moment's notice. I see the Holy Spirit surrounding us and teaching us the value of family and closeness. If it wasn't for my illness we wouldn't have the opportunity to spend so much valuable time together.
My family starts to arrive soon as well. My mom will be here for Zoe's birthday next week (weather permitting) if the snow is too bad then she'll just come when my brother and his family arrives for Spring break. I sense a Wii rock band tournament happening. We weren't able to get together over Thanksgiving so I just can't wait to see them in March.
Well, my time is almost up as I am using the resource center in the cancer unit and I can't hog the computer. I just wanted to give ya'll a quick update and to tell you that I love you and can feel the prayers that you have so lovingly said over and over again. This was yet just another bump in the road for us and our plan is to continue on and battle whatever comes next. But for now our plan is to be together and appreciate one another and put this behind us.

Home away from home

2010-02-05T21:22:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone -- Hal here -- still filling in on blog duty.

Quick clinical update...With a week at KU Hospital behind us, Ann is much improved. She is out of the ICU and is doing well in a peaceful room -- it took time to get there but all of the monitoring wires and IV's are out. The chest tube remains to drain fluid from her right chest cavity but the amount of fluid has dramatically dropped off (which is good). Next step will be a PET scan on Monday to provide the physicians the benefit of additional information and then a plan forward will be established.

To clarify any questions for the detailed oriented folks out there...the current understanding is that a nodule in the lower right lung lining began bleeding last Thursday and partially filled her right chest cavity thus causing the shortness of breath and pain. The chest tube was inserted and the fluid has mostly been drained. The key question at hand is the cause of the bleeding and if possible a permanent remedy so that this situation will not reoccur as Ann needs to continue with treatment.

Ann is being well cared for by her doctors and nursing staff at KU. Great people that care deeply about their work and their desire for the best possible outcome for Ann. All options are being considered and it is reassuring to witness the level of cross specialty consultation occurring. At times, it is a test of patience as one simply wants the magic wand to be waved and all to be well; however, we know this is complicated and it is important to exercise good prudence in each decision.

Ann is of good spirits but certainly would rather be in her own bed. Our thanks to the many friends that have gone out of their way to stop by for a visit or help the family. Jesus, in the Holy Eucharist, visits her each day and we even were able to get permission for Zoe and Grace to visit her tonight and have a family dinner together. Due to H1N1, the hospital rules are that kids under 18 are not allowed in without her doctor's permission and an quick exam prior to entering the nursing unit. All good precautions as she is on the oncology floor at the hospital and no one on that floor need any avoidable illness to be added to their plate.

As you all know, I love Ann so deeply. I pray for her many times each day as I witness her joys and sufferings. Through God's grace and the care of her health care team her burden was eased this week and we offer our thanks to God for the relief from the pain of a week ago. As always, the next step is not as obvious and clear as one would like it to be but isn't that what faith is all about?

In a recent reflection, I heard faith beautifully described. Imagine, you reach the edge of a cliff of what is visible and stare into the darkness before you with no assurance that your next step will touch solid ground. Taking that next step boldly anyway knowing that God will either catch you or give you the wings to fly -- this is faith.

Perhaps we too seldom admit in our modern world that we don't know the answer; that we are limited by our collective understanding of the "science" of things; that, scary as it may sound, we are in control of much less than we ever thought; that God is bigger than we can imagine and we, the created, need to stop trying ourselves to be god's and let the true God of the universe work through us and show His stuff.

May His peace be with you.

Not so romantic getaway

2010-01-30T09:28:00.003-06:00

Greetings everyone - this is Hal filling in for Ann on this post.

On Thursday, Ann returned to what seems to be our retreat destination - KU Hospital. She had a sudden fluid build up in her right lung. After a long night of wonderful care they were able to insert a tube into her chest cavity in order to drain the fluid. Ann endured the most pain that I've seen her go through ever but thank God it is getting better and she rested comfortably in the ICU last night. Next step will be to rehab her lung via breathing exercises and get the chest tube out when the fluid subsides - plus manage her "normal" side effects from the chemo she received on Wednesday.

On the up side of treatment, Ann's oncologist, Dr Fabin, indicated that Ann would probably get a reprieve from chemo after 5 more weeks! We are praying for the blessing of some time off.

Speaking of blessings, I would like to take time to thank you for your prayers and help. Always, always remember that good can come of every situation if we cooperate with God's will. So "when bad things happen" consider it an opportunity to enter into that situation to become His gift to our sister or brother in need. I love you all for all you do.

Thank you God for this "getaway" with Ann and for your mercy.

Back To The Grind

2010-01-07T10:21:00.002-06:00

It was back to the my full time job of fighting cancer yesterday. The girls got a snow day but evidently cancer doesn't so Hal stayed home while I tretched through the snow plowed streets. Actually it didn't really get bad till today. Blowing snow and about a foot on the ground leaves us home bound another day today.
Like i said it was back to chemo yesterday. it started with an ultrasound on my neck and left arm as i left out in my last blog that they found a clot in my neck most likely caused by the estrogen I was on. So off the estrogen I go and on to blood thinners. It was unchanged which was to be expected. should take another week or so to clear up. My lungs still show something funky so I got to take part in some really fun pulmonary function tests and see how my good friend Dr. Tim Dwyer spends his days. Diane, I was very impressed and found his bed side manner nothing but laid back yet professional and calming! Good man, good doctor, good friend. Anyhow, no big news there so then i got to see the Infectious disease crew. Lots of fun questions like did I live on a farm, was I around pigs much ( well not the one's they were referring to)? Just looking for some funky disease that could be lurking in my lungs but thankfully found nothing. So, we still don't know why it hurts for me to breathe and a bit short of breath. Any ideas? Chemo yesterday was business as usual. I am feeling puny today with a headache and nausea. Nothing the meds can't help with. Many of you ask how much longer on the chemo. I would say that this is indefinite. At least till summer maybe longer. Just depends on how long it takes to totally get rid of all the cancer. Going off the estrogen concerns me as this could have been one of the factors keeping the cancer from coming back in the first place. Time will tell.
Prayer warriors please add Lisa Gress to your list. She is a friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer on New Years Day. Yeah. Happy new year. Also pray for my friend Wendy who just finished up her radiation of mets to the brain and for Diane Compton who is readying herself for a stem cell transplant. Pray for strength and healing for these beautiful and too young ladies!
That's it for now. Stay warm, spread the love, and be good to one another!
Ann

2009-12-24T10:03:00.005-06:00

The news we have finally been praying for my warriors is here. Thank you all for it is because of you that we have received the best gift of all (besides our saviour) my scans show vast improvement overall!

Scan says....... decrease in metabolic activity of the widespread metastatic disease compared to 6/01/2009. compatible with a positive response to therapy and prayer. Many of the previously described metabolically active lesions now demonstrate normal background activity.

Now if we can just get rid of my moon pie face...... love to all and a very merry CHRISTmas to all of you. Snowing still and enjoying every moment of it. We love you so much..

2009-12-03T13:08:00.005-06:00

Another chilly day here in Shawnee and it looks like it is here to stay. Kind of like it, as it calls for hot soups and an excuse to lay on the couch.

I posted a picture of my favorite ladies whom were responsible for putting the wine tasting together. Thanks again my friends, we love you so much! FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

I am feeling pretty good but am starting to feel the chemo take it's affect so I am like a pregnant woman nesting trying to get things done before I am down for the count. My last week off from chemo was great. I was back to doing and being and it felt incredible. Hard on Hal though as it's hard for him to shift gears like that. He has been taking care of me for so long that he couldn't not help me. I can't love him any less for that! God blessed me with the perfect man and sometimes it just overwhelms me to think that i am that loved and special. Thanks honey I love you even though I give you dirty looks. We enjoyed a really nice low key Thanksgiving with our friends the Martens at the home of their parents. Thanks so much for a wonderful and relaxing holiday. The food was incredible and I ate my share! I have gained eight pounds and I think seven of it was from that day.
My appointment before chemo with my doctor was encouraging. Her along with the rest of the staff kept saying how good i looked which made me think I must have looked really bad because I think I look terrible now. Oh well, I accepted that issue a long time ago. More scans are scheduled for the 21st so the prayers need to overflow on that day please..
Dr Fabian is pleased with my blood counts and thinks that the estrogen that I am taking is having to do with a lot of that (and your prayers). Yes, I know what your thinking... isn't estrogen what fuels the cancer? It's a long story and research on this just came out this summer. I have reason to believe that I am my doctor's guinea pig and confirmed that when I asked her how many other patients she had put on estrogen. Her reply as I suspected was that I was the only one but that back when she first started her practice this was the way they treated women with estrogen receptive breast cancer. Whatever works is what I will go by. Only drawbacks and men and children don't read from here because I am going to talk about "women stuff" but it does make me bleed and spot a bit. A gynecologist is concocting a special progesterone oil shot for me to receive next week. This will make me have a real period (YIPPPEEE) which will have me back in the conversations with all you young women. Okay men and children continue to read on from here.
Zoe is doing great but the casts are starting to wear on her (for good reason) actually they are starting to break. Duct tape holds one shoe in place and the other is on it's way. By the end of the day she is tired and ready to put them big dogs up. One more week until they come off and she will be about five pounds lighter.
That's about it for now. I hope you are preparing yourself for Christmas and I don't mean running around the stores shopping and getting consumed by the consumerism. I hope you are preparing yourself in quiet and asking God what it is He wants from you and that you hear Him. Now go out and do what He says!

Zoe Rocks!

2009-11-21T17:51:00.008-06:00

Thank you everyone who has prayed, called, stopped by, sent notes, and just thought of our tough and amazing Zoe. Thank God she is a forgiving and patient soul with her parents. Hal and I take pride at times saying that we do not worry about things and take days one at a time (we have no choice on the one day at a time part) but we feel we could have prepared a little more on what to expect with Zoe's surgery. All went well but took a good part of the day. She insisted on going to school for as long as she could which once I picked her up was evident on why she loves school so much. The kids in her class were amazing! Every single one of them hugged her telling her good bye, we are praying for you, we love you, and then a classroom hug made the last tear fall. All you parents out there and you Ms. Brown should be very proud of yourselves for the little souls you have been responsible for. So, the rest of the day was Zoe saying hello to all of her regular nurses, doctors, pharmacists, anesthesiologist etc.... She is a regular there as we do her botox at this location 2-4 times a year. They have a lot of fun getting caught up on her life and watching her grow. The surgery entails a cut to the inside of each muscle in her lower leg. They cut it so that it will grow back longer and allow her to get her feet down flat. After the cut they then stretch her feet in a 90 degree angle and then placed casts to each leg just halfway from the knee. She is zooming around with a walker and determined to even get rid of using that. she plans on going to school tomorrow so look out in the hallway!
Our poor planning unfortunately had us miss the wine tasting that our dear friends planned and worked so hard on. We heard that the evening was just awesome and filled with so much love and generosity. That's what it's all about right? We just cannot get over the overpouring of your constant giving and giving to our family. It is sometimes difficult for us accept everything you give. There are so many people who are in need and we intend to pay it forward when we get back on our feet!!!!
Speaking of help. Hal's mom Judith left us on Thursday. The girls continue to call me grandma whenever they need something. She was such a tremendous help and we miss just having her around. Thank you Judith we love you.
Our plans for Thanksgiving were to drive out to Colorado to be with my entire family but just the thought of preparing for it leaves me exhausted and overwhelmed. We are so bummed because even the Mclaughlins from Tampa will be there and the annual beating of the Florida Florida State game will be missed. We love you guys and will be there in spirit and orange and blue.
Have a great Thanksgiving holiday and be sure to lay back and realize all of your many blessings that you are surrounded by each day given to you by our lord Jesus Christ.

Back On Track

2009-11-13T14:03:00.006-06:00

The pneumonia had held on for a bit so we held off on doing chemo last week. My chest x-ray had not changed so we decided to let the antibiotics settle and wait another week. So I did get both chemo treatments this past Wednesday. Yippee we are back on track!
Today is Friday and I am feeling blah so my feet are up and taking it easy. Judith is keeping an eye on me closely and not letting me over do it. I seem to have the itch of purging and I don't mean throwing up. Just getting rid of stuff in the house.. clutter.. Poor Hal doesn't know what he is in for this weekend. Not only do I want to get rid of stuff but have decided that if I must sit on the couch and be in my bedroom most of the time then I want to be surrounded by comfort and serenity. A place where I can meditate and heal, to be with God and block out the worldly stuff. Living my day in the present moment and not being anxious about anything.
I attended a wonderful and inspiring retreat at our church last weekend. I am still what I call decompressing from it all. The presence of the Holy spirit was everywhere and was just a great experience! I was so glad that i was feeling well enough to attend but wish I was able to really feel 100% as I felt it was hard for me to truly concentrate and get the whole experience. At times I felt a bit dizzy and overwhelmed but my goodness what a glorious weekend! I know lives have been changed, families have been changed, and Christ is smiling!
Thank you to all of you who worked so hard on making the weekend so awesome!!
Let's see what else is going on in the Schierts house? Well, to add to our craziness, Zoe is scheduled this Friday the 20th for out patient surgery. she will be having both of her Achilles released. This will stretch her out allowing her to get her feet flat and relaxed. She will then be in walking casts for three weeks and after that back in her braces for six months which she will wear with her shoes. Now that she is almost nine years old she can get involved with decisions on her care. She was very grown up asking the doctor questions. Her main concern was if she could shower. The answer is no so she'll have to have sponge baths until the casts come off. Life in the Schiert's household is one fun thing after another!
Judith will be leaving next week and we will miss her!!!! what a God send she has been to us. Not only does she do everything around the house, she has been able to see our daily lives and feel better (I hope) at how we are doing. I know she along with all for you who live and love from far away worry about us but please know that when we say we are doing well, we are. We rely on each other more and have tended to hibernate a bit desiring togetherness. Gracie doesn't even want to go to birthday partys, she'd rather stay home with us (that we may have to worry about a bit). I guess this is where the whole clutter thing is coming from, simplifying our lives.
My hope for you is that you slow down and declutter your lives too. Stop running form here to there. Don't be consumed by the world. Listen to the Holy Spirit. You cannot hear him if you are constantly in motion and saying yes to everything.
Whatever you do, do it in the Lord. Whatever you need to live solidly in his kingdom today—patience with the family, faithfulness at work, joy in your relationships, self-control with food or drink—ask Jesus for it, and know that he will give it to you. Be ready for whatever comes, not out of fear and worry but because the kingdom of God has come, and is always within you.
“Jesus, free me from concerns about the past and fears of the future. Teach me to live in your kingdom today and every day, confident that you will provide everything I need.”
Have a great weekend and remember......before saying yes ask yourself.... DOES IT TIRE ME OR INSPIRE ME?

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T21:28:00.008-05:00

And in three hours Happy Birthday to Grace! It's been another one of those bumps in the road and the Schierts family do a pop wheelie and end up on all wheels.. again!!!!!
Grace got the fever back and I ended up with pneumonia so on the couch the two of us spent again. Poor thing, she ended up missing her Halloween party and carnival at school and the chance of also missing out on Halloween all together but the fever has lifted and the witch was zooming around the neighborhood with her good friend Lula the crazy pink hair friend of Hannah Montana (alias sister Zoe). And mom even kept up going to a few houses and then handing out some treats. Tomorrow Grace turns seven (so hard to believe) and could not be more excited about her day. Today the whole clan treked out to Toys R Us and she picked out a new bike and it was such a beautiful day that she got to ride on it as soon as she got home(not usual warmness in KC this time of year). Her birthday pie ,yes pie will be grandma's homemade apple preceded by dinner at her favorite Japanese steak house. Life is good!
Like I said I came down with pneumonia this past week. I had not been feeling well at all for the past two weeks or so and when I went in for chemo on Wednesday we did a chest x-ray because i had some wheezing and my breathing had worsened and just feeling crummy. So instead of hanging chemo they hung bags of antibiotics. Three days later and I am feeling much better and hope to get even stronger to be able to get chemo this coming Wednesday. I am so grateful for God's loving kindness and mercy. I was very afraid that i would end up back in the hospital, but with great care from my family and your prayers, He saw to it that it would not happen. I do have to admit that this year has been a tough one. And I do have to come to the realization that I have stage IV breast cancer with survival rates at five years and this is year number two.I don't care about statistics and know that I have so many advantages over what "they" say, but am afraid that I can lose sight of those advantages when I am at a low. My faith in God never leaves me but my faith that this pneumonia or that fluid or some other side affect could cause a spiral downward and that is scary. But today the sun was shining, I ate a big ol' Chipolte burrito, my husband scratched my back, and I am still awake at 10pm.
Oh, and the Gators smacked down on those Bulldogs led by Tim Tebow who always reminds us of the love God has for us by writing it under his eyes to be seen by all (but is always clearly communicating to me) with Philippians 4:5-7 Your kindness 5 should be known to all. The Lord is near. 6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. 7 Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
It is so hard for us to lose sight of that especially when things are really really bad or even really really good. Goodnight.

2009-10-17T07:38:00.002-05:00

The week has passed and so as the flu in our house (I hope). Both Zoe and Grace had fevers for five days and somehow grandma, myself and Hal escaped the bug. My prayers go out to those who are battling any of this sickness as there is so much going around!
Because the girls were sick and also my blood counts were low, I was encouraged not to do chemo this past week. With a bit of talk, we decided to go ahead and do the gemzar only and not the carboplatin as the carboplatin suppresses my immune system. My liver enzyme counts continue to drop as well as my tumour markers. This all indicates that the chemo is working!!!!!
I am feeling well. I still tire very easily but then get a burst of energy and then overdo it.
Judith continues to be a saint by taking care of all the business around the house.
It seems that the chemo has attacked my brain cells as it is difficult to even type this blog. My memory and mental abilities are a bit fogged and you'll have to forgive me if you don't get a thank you note or perhaps you receive two or three!
It's hard to believe that fall is here and the leaves are starting to drop. Another season, another reminder of God's love for us.

2009-10-09T12:54:00.002-05:00

Another treatment down who knows how many more to go. The blood tests indicate that my liver enzyme counts continue to decline which gives us great hope that this chemo is the concoction we prayed for. I also feel improvement in my breathing and overall pain. I have been discharged from all home health services and had a sonogram this week that reported back not one drop of fluid remains around my heart. Overall, I would say it's been a great and productive week! I had a treatment on Tuesday and will have two more back to back with the fourth week off . A bit of nausea and yuckyness the past two days but like I said it is doable (is that a word)?
Judith remains busy around the house making sure everything is taken care of. What a blessing God made when he created parents who woulda thunk!!!
Of course to all of you, thank you for your constant compassion and love. Please keep our family in your prayers because without you, none of this good news and health is possible.
We love you..............

2009-10-02T11:32:00.003-05:00

What a change in the weather we are having here in KC. Super windy and cold, too much too soon. Where did summer go? Bring back those lazy days..........
Speaking of lazy days that's just what i am doing, hanging out with my feet up being served by grandma. Ahhhh. It has taken time to accept all this help you all provide but we have come to learn that this is what God asks of all of us, to serve one another. Some day soon I hope I can return it back to all of you again and again.
Let's see, what did we do for fun this week??? Back to see my oncologist with good news. My liver counts were down which means something we are doing is working. I know it is prayer but we have to give credit to all of the techno medical cancer cell killing stuff too. I did not do chemo this week as the drain remained but ended up having it removed yesterday. Please pray that the doctors were right in their decision to take it out. I was still and continue to drain quite a bit. We are not totally comfortable with the decision but are placing our trust that it will not have to be put back in. It does feel good to not have that ugly tube and ball hanging from me and oh how good it felt to take a real shower!! And LOOK OUT I have my voice back. a little froggy but it's there. Thank you Dr. Garnett for your love of your profession and for gentle touch. He shot collagen in both of my vocal cords to pump em up so that they can touch and I can sing and shout. I still have a bit of swelling but in the next few days I should be ready for try outs on American Idol. Zoe is getting used to it but at first thought I was yelling at her when I was just talking normally. Grace says i talk too much!!! Look who's talking!!!!
This weekend we are taking it easy and enjoying the weather. Hardy and Judith continue to be a huge help as sometimes I am not able to even drive due to my balance. even got me a handicap card for the car. Next Wednesday I will begin again with the chemo 3 weeks on with one week off. I feel good about this one and along with all that you are doing for us, we can beat this thing!!! Just wait when we do, what a party that will be.

2009-09-26T09:23:00.004-05:00

And I am back! Sorry for the delay in posting but that hospital stay took a lot out of me. Thank you all for your concerns and compassion as always to me and my family. You are the reason for my healing and comfort knowing that you are praying and watching over us.
I was discharged on Sept. 15th and started chemo on the 16th. and another dose on the 23rd. We were not too thrilled to start chemo so soon but it is the only way to get rid of the cancer that is causing so many other problems such as labored breathing and the fluid around my heart. speaking of, my "window" or drain remains attached to me and will so until I stop draining more than 50ccs/day. It has begun to slow down but I still drain about 75-100. as pretty as this thing is and as much as I'd like it removed, I don't want it out too soon and have it put back in. Perhaps there is a new market for drain "bling"?
So what happened you ask? My oncologist seems to think that an accumulation of cells in my lymphatic system went crazy and caused my body to react with swelling and fluid. This is all just part of the cancer and until we find the right chemo will these pesky other problems dissipate.
Like I said, I have two chemo treatments thus far but will skip this next week until the drain is removed. Having a hole in my heart and suppressing my immune system with chemo is just asking for an infection. How am I feeling? Well, tired. The chemo is in my words doable as I was able to go to Grace's soccer game and Zoe's volleyball game this weekend. By the way, Zoe got her first serve over the net! very emotional moment for the proud parents I must say. we even joined the Book family at the Plaza Art fest yesterday okay so we used my new handicapped car tag and I walked a block and had Hal pick us up but at least we can say we were there! and Hal's sister and family were here for a quick visit from Minneapolis. I do a little rest a little.
Hal's mom has been here since I got out of the hospital and has been such a humungo help! she gets the girls ready for school, sporting events, life in general. Thank you Judith! grandpa arrives tomorrow and are both here to stay until they get sick of us.
Your prayers are needed for me this Wednesday as we are going to try and fix this vocal cord thing. my ENT will numb me up and shoot collagen to puff the babies up and get me talking again. It is really important to me to get my voice back as it has been nine months of me not saying everything I need to!!!!!
With all of this said, life is good and God is better. He continues to work through me to you and that my lovely friends is what this life is all about. Be good to each other. Love one another. Forgive one another. pray for one another. Spend time with one another. More later as it is time to pick up the lovely ladies from school.

Window To My Heart

2009-09-11T15:52:00.002-05:00

Greetings everyone -- Hal here -- filling in for Ann on this entry.

The skilled and caring hands of the wonderful physicians and nurses at KU have completed the procedure to place a "window" to allow fluid to drain from Ann's heart region. The procedure went well and by late afternoon Ann was coming out of the affects of surgery. She is feeling better and has been up and out of bed. We look forward to having Zoe and Grace spend time with Ann tonight. Then, she is hoping for a good night's rest tonight and then of course talk of going home. The next step in the process will be to get started on chemo -- we're not sure when that would be exactly yet. Not sooner than Wednesday next week. We're praying that this next set of chemo meds will be effective -- and we know that you are too.

Ann and I want to express our thanks to everyone for their prayers, help with the girls, taking care of our pets, thoughtful gestures, calls, cards... We know that God gives us the graces needed for every challenge - we see it each day through you. Please do not despair or view this journey as a stumbling block to your faith -- when you are tempted to ask why does bad things happen to good people remember that there is an amazing amount of good that comes out of our suffering as well.

Our family has been privileged to be showered with so much love in this past week and God was there through it all. I want to encourage you to also know that God loves each of us, his children, and desires that you grow closer to Him through those around you. Be open that that closeness may come through adversity and in all things trust that God is at work.

As for Ann and I, know that our spirits are good and faith in God strong. Thank you God for all that you do for each of us today and everyday. We love you.

Hal

Just Call Me Milk

2009-09-10T17:00:00.006-05:00

As in 1% because if it has a 1%chance of happening then it will happen to me (as Sarah says). Things have changed since my last post. The love is not dissipating from my heart so I will now have surgery tomorrow morning to have a "window" created to allow the fluid to drain longer without having to remain in the hospital attached to all of the equipment. So, now I'll truly have a window to my heart....this means that I will remain in the hospital for a longer time (perhaps now until Sunday or Monday) and that my chemo will be delayed. Although I just got off the phone with my oncologist and she seems to think not. So, as usual I have made things a bit more complicated. Oh, I also met with my ENT doc amid all of this and found out that both vocal cords are "bowed out" and not working so I am scheduled for collagen injections to those areas on Sept 30th. Whew, I think that's it.
The main goal remains and that is for this chemo to work and get rid of the cancer and fluid.
The girls just arrived to my room and have all kinds of questions about whats hanging off of me and what that "gross fluid" on my hip. Perhaps Hal will be updating the blog with info from here on out until I am felling better. Love to all of you. Keep on praying!

What A Honeymoon!

2009-09-09T08:35:00.007-05:00

My house on Tuesday morning was empty. No kids, no friends, no family. Just an abundance of flowers that let me know that it wasn't a dream. We just had the most incredible weekend filled with love, laughter, and yes lots of tears. It is now Thursday afternoon and the love keeps flowing out of me in the form of fluid out of a chest tube in my heart. I am at KU hospital and will stay here until all of the love dissipates.
I have had shortness of breath for some time now and have also had fluid around my heart that comes and gos. Wednesday night I was up unable to breathe and knew things weren't right. Long story short, the fluid had increased considerably and needed to be removed. We are not sure why I have the fluid in the first place but my health has been one big why for a while now. The outlook is good. The chest tube remains in for a few days to make sure we got it all so will be here until Saturday it looks like. Grace is very disappointed as I am that our trip has been postponed. I feel so bad but know that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately a six year old does not get that. I too was really looking forward to seeing them Gators and my family. Love you guys!

Okay, back to the love. Last weekend was incredible, absolutely incredible. Thank you all for making it so special and did I say incredible? To Marisue and Sharon for making the reception so beautiful and organizing everything down to the last detail. You two are the best. To Melanie for the beautiful arrangement of flowers, to Sarah for organizing the dessert divas and to all you divas who brought the desserts. To my family and Hal's parents for traveling and celebrating with us, to Terry, Bill, and Tawnie for coming from so far on short notice.. the list goes on. I feel like I just won an academy award and am leaving people out. I DID win an award. HAL!
I just cannot tell you how awesome the weekend was.
I have to tell you that Hal and I did nothing but get dressed. Everything was provided by all of you incredible people and by God. His presence was everywhere and in everyone. I have to say that I do not even remember seeing most of you at the ceremony as my eyes were fixated on the crucifix and on Hal.
I will post more later ad hopefully have some pictures to share. I will also keep you posted on this fluid thing. Please do not worry. Just another bump in the road.'we love you all!!!!

2009-08-27T08:22:00.004-05:00

We are saddened to say that we did not get the results that we were hoping for. The cancer continues to spread in my liver and in my back and some still in my chest area. Numb is a good description of how we feel. Today is a new day and I have a bit of a better perspective on things.

The plan as of now is to do nothing but enjoy some plans that have already been made. Hal and I are renewing our wedding vows on September 6th. It is our ten year anniversary and we thought it most appropriate considering circumstances. If you are reading this then you are invited to come and join us. My brothers and their kids along with Grace and I are flying down to Florida to watch the Gators play in the swamp. Nothing like seeing a game there I tell ya! So I plan to enjoy the next few weeks and do all that i can and then it's back to work on killing this cancer.

My doctor once again gave me a list of treatments to try and like Hal says it's like playing spin the bottle when it comes to choosing. Most of the stuff she recommended is some really hard core stuff but I guess if we want to start getting down and dirty then that's what I'll do.I am scheduled to return to treatment on sept. 16th. To be truthful, I feel like giving up sometimes that I cannot possibly keep doing this but when I look into my girls eyes then i know that i can do it. I don't want them to ever ask why mom gave up.

2009-08-18T11:18:00.012-05:00

People keep asking me if I am ready for school to start and the answer has always been no but as I listen to the girls fight in the next room I can officially say I AM READY!
They are ready as well and are excited to find out who their teachers are be with their friends and away from each.
My mom came in from Colorado and has been here almost a week which has been really nice. She has gotten to spend lots of quality time with us and help in any way that she can.
This is my week off from chemo and feeling pretty good. I have been tapering off of my steroids and can feel a difference in how I feel. My breathing is more labored and my cough is coming back. Plus the steroids were what gave me some energy and can feel that depleting as well. But still my day is still doable and that is all I can ask for. A note to some of you if you see my sneak out of a large crowd or gathering. My senses are very sensitive I guess from the chemo. I cannot handle loud noises. It over sensitizes me big time, strange I know but just letting you know. So at church or at a restaurant if you see me sneaking out the door that is why.
Once again we have been amazed at your outpouring of love and devotion to our family. There have been lots of you making donations to a fund that was set up for us so that I could seek out some alternative therapies that can be expensive and not covered by our insurance. Thank you so much, because of you I am able to do just that. We are blessed with great insurance and prescription plan and we are able to keep up with our bills among all the craziness. Until we find out what the results of mt CT scan is next week, we are kind of in a holding pattern on what our next decisions will be. Whether we seek other options elsewhere or better yet that the cancer is diminishing or even better that it is GONE!
Keep up with the prayers. Have a great week.

Hanging On To Summer

2009-08-09T13:54:00.009-05:00

August is here which means we are on the countdown until school starts. I really am not ready to get back into that dreaded routine and let go of the lazy days of summer. Especially not looking forward to getting up before 9:00am.
Wednesday will be the end of the third cycle of my chemo. There is no plan on how many i will do ( I guess how ever many it takes). We will do scans on the 26th to see if this is working. I know you are all praying for me but maybe a few extra rosaries for me on that day would be appreciated. My CT scan is at 8:00am. My blood counts (red and white) have been high the past few weeks which i thought was good. Usually low blood counts are bad and leave you susceptible to all kinds of stuff but the doc says that high ones indicate that I am dehydrated so last week and here on out i will get a bag of fluid hung. I drink water all day and really don't feel it but when I went to press a towel on my leg and the indention stayed a while led me to believe perhaps there was some truth to the matter. I am doing well. Staying upright and still doing what i can. My cough has gotten much better but still have trouble catching a breath here and there. and tend to get around at a much slower pace. You may have noticed that my hair is growing back in YEAH! Apparently you don't lose hair with this chemo which is so nice because with this heat the wigs would stay in the closet.
I met with my ENT last week about my voice. My right vocal cord has begun to bow out due to my depletion of muscle mass and usage. Go figure! so next month we will go in and really take a look around and get to the bottom of this I hope. God has added to my lack of talking by the side affects of the chemo which is mouth sores. Last night the inside layer on the right side of my mouth just completely peeled off. Lovely I know. Actually today it feels much better but still hard to eat certain foods. Many of you who have seen me notice that I have lost some weight which I have. Some of it is due to my lack of appetite and nausea but some of it has to do also with my change in diet. I have been juicing lots of greens and beets and doing some protein shakes and other changes. Can't seem to shake the ice cream craving though. With the money you have all raised for us I have started doing colonics which is as much fun as it sounds but it is a way to get rid of all the toxins and help my body absorb the good food and juicing that I am doing. I am also seeing a natural wellness provider who can analyze my blood and tell me what vitamins I am lacking, what foods to eat and avoid and supplements I need to fight the cancer. I meet with him next week and am really excited to see what he says. Thanks to all of you who have shared your research and ideas to me to get me well and cure this crap.
I wish I could come up with a better way to say thank you because it seems like that is all I say but really want you to know how we truly feel by all of this. You humble us and spoil us and love us so much that we just want to squeeze each one of you and let you know how truly we love you. Hal and i have learned so much from all of you that we try to incorporate a way in which we can help a family or person in need in even the smallest of ways. The girls have seen all of you do so much for us and I know your kids have also witnessed the beauty in serving others.
Huge love and praises to all of you who worked so hard on the drive thru BBQ especially Mark and Erin who hosted their home as the setup and delivery station and to all the behind the scenes angels and of course those who enjoyed the awesome food. Another huge hug and squeeze to Amy Loehr who made all of the awesome cupcakes for the cause. I was blown away by the amount of cupcakes she put out over the last month.
I leave you with today's scripture reading.. 2 COR 9:6-10
Brothers and sisters:Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.Each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion,for God loves a cheerful giver.Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you,so that in all things, always having all you need,you may have an abundance for every good work.As it is written:
He scatters abroad, he gives to the poor;his righteousness endures forever.
The one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for foodwill supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

May you all reap bountifully for all that you have done for us! Have a great week.

God Is Kind And Merciful

2009-07-19T13:49:00.011-05:00

My days continue to be filled with strength and energy. I had chemo last Wednesday and was at the Zoo on Thursday. Friday and Saturday I could feel a bit of slow down but able to still keep on my feet and enjoy this beautiful weather we have been having. Each morning i get up I about cry thanking God for this day and every day there after. I know that it is his loving mercy that is bringing me this zest. Also to do with this is of course is your loving prayers, countless selfless acts of mercy like selling cupcakes and salsa, asking the local nail place to contribute proceeds to our family, setting up a trust to help pay for our medical bills, taking me to Mi Ranchito and getting me caught up on your lives, clipping thorns off our trees, hanging prayer flags in our back yard, and getting me to let go of items that remind me of my brokenness and replacing them with a big fat bunny that reminds me that I am full of life and hope. (Debbie and Nancy you get that one) My friends and faith community have shown me their faith by carrying me along the way. I can't help but think of the Gospel reading where four men carried a paralytic up to the roof and dropped him into the place where Jesus was. They had such faith in Jesus to heal him. You too have faith and it emits throughout our community and to many many other people else where. I feel as though it is my responsibility to speak out about what i have learned in my journey, and that is to show people to Christ. I know to lots of you I got a rolling of the eyes and that is okay. I used to do the same. Ask him to come into your heart and he will be right there beaming at you asking "what took you so long? Let's talk".
All of these things just show us how God is truly present in all of us. As Hal said this morning...
"Sometimes He can be such a show off!" Thank you all of you. We love you so very much and just can't say it enough.

As I said, I had chemo last Wednesday and then again tomorrow with the following week off. My doctor had little to say except my liver enzyme counts were down which is good and that we would keep up with this plan for a while and that I was looking so much better. She doesn't want to see me for another three weeks which is a huge deal because I think I have seen her every week for the past seven months. That to me is progress. I see the ENT the first of August as my voice has still not come back form the vocal cord surgery. Supposedly it was not as easy as just fixing it, the chemo along with the cancer in the bronchi is also irritating something and we now have to look deeper and work harder at bringing my voice back. It has been really annoying as no one can hear me and repeating myself just puts added stress on my voice so most of the time I say not everything that needs to be said which is probably a good thing.
Next week the family is headed to Grand Lake in Oklahoma. Our friends the Martens have lent us their timeshare there for a few days. No plans but togetherness, swimming and more togetherness. I really cannot tell you how enough how grateful and good I feel. The past seven months have been grueling and to the point that I thought that this was the way it was going to be from here on out. Many a days would I sit and beg for God's mercy if I could just enjoy my life that I have left, how it would be full of his goodness and beauty. He has blessed me with just that and I don't care if this cancer has spread throughout my body, I have been given my life back, perhaps for just a little while, that doesn't matter. I intend to live and give and to love. I intend to become the person he created me to be. I intend to be a better christian, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. My illness along with my faith has led me to see things in relation to God's plan for my salvation and the salvation of others.
Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
test my heart and mind.
For your steadfast love
is before my eyes
and I walk in faithfulness to you
PSALM 26:2-3

Better Days

2009-07-07T11:15:00.012-05:00

I decided to post a few older pictures of the family. The second picture was taken by my good friend Kathy Minor at minorimages.com (check out her website). It was taken just a few weeks after we got the diagnosis. I was beaming because I was with my favorite people on a beautiful fall day and with them by my side I could do anything.
Every day is a bit better it seems. The last two rounds of chemo did not leave me on the couch nor in bed. As a matter of fact I have felt really good and even able to keep up with the girls and everything they want to do. We even got away for a couple of days to our friend's lake house and so enjoyed time together. It was a time where we felt the true presesence of Jesus, surrounded by love and pure joy. This is really exciting and such a prayer answered as I was almost to the point of this is just how it is going to be from here on. So thank you for praying for me and my needs. I am off this week from any doctor appointments yippee! My echo of my heart showed that I had full pumping ability and my blood pressure is totally stable off of all the BP meds so they freed me from their care. One less doctor for me!
I assume I will be on this chemo for some time and will have more scans in a month or so to see if things are shrinking. We feel very positive about this treatment and know that this is what will diminish the cancer and get me to the point where we can treat it as any other chronic disease. Thank you all for sending me info on beating this cancer. I am sorting through it all and starting some alternative treatments. Slowly I am incorporarting a new eating style and will start seeing a professional who can tell me what nutrients my body is lacking and what foods I should stay away from.
THe girls are great. Gracie is off on her second adventure to Minnesota. She took off with Aunt Susie yesterday and is having a great time seeing Minneapolis this time and spending time with her cousin Isabella. Zoe starts her first camping adventure with her brownie troop today. She will spend the next four days there but come home in the evenings. She's super excited!
Thank you Nancy for sending me some clothes for the webkinz!
Continue to pray for us! We love you.

I'll Just Lay Here Another Minute

2009-06-26T10:47:00.004-05:00

Since my last post things have changed yet again. Another CT scan has shown more progression in my liver and now in the bronchi of my chest. New plan of attack is back to IV chemo and lots of it. This all started this past Wednesday and I will have chemo again next Wednesday and then the following week off. We are all pretty numb but back on the path of let's get it done and get on with it. I know in my last blog I sounded like I was giving up and wanted to crawl in a hole, well I did but that's not going to do us any good so whatever it takes, I will take it on. The picture to the right sums up how I feel these days. Like I could get up at any time but I prefer to lay here a bit longer. Thanks Gracie for letting me play with your webkinz!

My health has not been good as I have had a lot of pain from the coughing and lots of nausea from all the meds I take. It has been hard to get out of bed most mornings but I do and the day always gives me another reason to beat this. God graced me with the gift of faith which I admit has been shaken and stirred lately. But I have also been graced with a chance to see life from a different window, almost watching and observing instead of fully participating. Most times I find it to be annoying because I like to be in the middle of things, always knowing what's going on, but this is a way for me to also get through my suffering. Instead of constantly being in it right here right now, I must find a way to look through it and beyond it.

Okay, now on to the important stuff..... summer. Could it be any hotter? Not even a stinking breeze here in KC. The girls had a brief visit with Hal's parents. They both drove off to Minnesota for what was supposed to be a week but ended up to be four days. This was Zoe's first time and we were really surprised and very proud that she even got in the car. Ahh, the memories that form in us at that age....... they were very busy and had some really great experiences. Thanks Hardy and Judith, your the best.

Not much for plans for us, pretty much a day to day thing around here. Perhaps we'll get the energy to plan a small trip close to home or perhaps just set up camp in the backyard. Another advantage to living life as it comes, because sometime it comes at you fast!

Big love to housecleaning fairies who arrive on my doorstep with their swifters in one hand and tidy bowl in the other. I love it when you just zip in and take care of business and most of all to see your lovely faces. Thank you your beautiful! And the meals are incredible and so needed and devoured, thank you a hundred times over and then again. I know we say it all the time but you guys rock and impress the heck out of us. I know everyone wants to know what they can do. Believe me you are doing it. I feel your love and prayers and I cherish them. Don't hesitate to call. I won't pick up the phone if I am not feeling up to it. And please don't just pray for me and my family. Remember all of those around you whom you haven't got a clue as to what they are going through. They just don't blog about it.

Not The News We Were Hoping For

2009-06-04T10:13:00.002-05:00

The scans show enlarged areas back in my sternum and liver. The last chemo did not work and now it is on to something else. While Hal and I waited in the exam room I told him that I was not doing any more chemo. That my quality of life sucked and that it is not fair to Zoe and Grace that their mom is always too tired to do this or that and that they have to suffer because of this. That we would find a different way to attack. But the minute Dr. Fabian walked in the room it was yes maam! And don't you think I got a snicker from Hal. The lady is a guru in cancer research and I have to believe that she is not just pulling things out of a hat to try. But I also know that there is something else out there so if you have any suggestions please do share.
The new plan is new chemo but in pill form. I take three pills everyday and then a liquid that has to be put in Kool Aid and another 10 pills every two weeks. I have a whole schedule to follow.
My vocal cord surgery was uneventful. While my voice is still a bit scratchy I can tell a difference in my swallowing. The cough did not go away and they will put me on some inhalers and steroids to open my bronchi up to see if that helps but not till my vocal cord heals.
The girls are great and so understanding. I guess we don't give our kids enough credit for handling hard times. I catch them praying for me alot and asking God to help all people who are suffering. We have learned that in order for our suffering to lessen we pray for others who have hardships, even worst hardships then ourselves. Try it sometime. It can lift your spirits to a new high.
For now please continue to pray, spread my story all over the place because I think God will send us a cure. Love one another and kiss your kids today!

Schools Out For Summer

2009-05-26T10:10:00.002-05:00

The girls are out of school and here we sit looking at each other wondering what to do. A list needs to be made of all the things they want to do that don't require money and not much energy on my part. It has been five weeks since my last chemo as my doctor let me skip the last one so that we can get my vocal cord taken care of. My ENT checked it again and found that it is still paralyzed and if it was going to come back on it's own it would have done so by now. So I am scheduled for surgery this Friday. I then have a PET and CT scan on June 1 and will return to my doctor on June 3rd for results. Please pray that my scans are clear so that I will be able to take a break from chemo and enjoy the summer with the girls. We are easing into summer by sleeping in and not making any plans. We would like to take a trip up to Minneapolis to visit with Hal's family and Grace always spends a week with Hal's parents. Zoe is thinking she may join her sister this year which would be great as it makes such great memories for them.
My days are up and down, I am still really tired and hope that each day will bring me closer to the old me. Sometimes I feel the cancer has taken away my character, that my lack of spunk has left me changed. This is a good thing I guess but I wish I could do the things that I have learned since my diagnosis. I wish I could help people. Now more than ever do I know how important it is to help our brothers and sisters in need. For now I accept the help but I pray that God gives me the chance to pay it forward.
As I said before, please pray for good results on my scans and a speedy recovery from my surgery. Have a great rest of the week and remember to spread the love.

Doing Well

2009-04-29T16:01:00.004-05:00

Last Wednesday I changed chemo again and I must say that it wasn't that bad. I am now on Doxil which is actually a chemo for ovarian cancer. My prayers were for strength as the timing was not great since we had Zoe's first communion this past Saturday. God is good because I felt great and really enjoyed the incredible weekend. It was such an emotional day witnessing not only Zoe but all of her friends receiving the Eucharist for the first time. Those little people are just so stinking cute! We had a house full afterwards and it just was an awesome day. Thanks to Hal's parents and sister Amy along with my mom and brother Tim for coming and making it even more special. You can check out my little darling on You Tube and see what a bang up job she did at singing the psalm. It was quite the honor for her to be asked and it was quite the honor for us to witness. I am just so moved every time she gets up and shares the gift that God has graced her with.
I am just laying low right now and following directions. My BP is still running a bit high and so I am back and forth seeing the cardiologist as we adjust meds. I actually took a walk this afternoon which felt really good as I haven't exercised at all and have noticed my muscle mass is depleting.
I am not sure how much more chemo I will have but hope we soon can take a break. Hal and I would love to take the girls somewhere this summer and create some fun memories.
Much love and huge thanks go out to all of you as you continue to care for the Schierts family. The house cleaning, meals, and little surprises are so generous and thoughtful. We love you all and appreciate you so much.

That's It!

2009-04-10T14:50:00.004-05:00

I think I'm allergic to chemo. I have been in bed off and on for a week and that is all I can think of. Everyone else I know who has done chemo always says "Oh, I just felt like I had the flu for a couple of days and then I was fine" or "no big deal" as they continue to work a 40 hour work week! either I am allergic or they are lying!!! Either way, I feel like I just can't continue to do this. Today is a better day, a good day Good Friday! Lent is a time for us to reflect on the suffering of Jesus which my suffering can no where near compare to His, but I can reflect a lot more and it has been difficult. I have caught myself saying "but at least you knew when your suffering would end, and yours only lasted a few days (the Passion). Can you believe I would tell Him that? Anyhow, He told me back that He had suffered all of his human life since the day that He was born. He was born into a very poor family where many times they went with out food. During his ministry he was constantly ridiculed and questioned and kicked out of most places he visited. And when he was nailed to the cross, even his friends had abandoned him. Not to mention his physical sufferings on the cross. Okay well he's got that...... So, what I have learned to do is to take up my physical suffering for all of you who are also suffering and unite it to his. He does take a bit from me and I do feel better afterwards. Hal keeps saying that God just isn't done perfecting me yet. I'd be happy with Ann, you're okay, who needs perfection?
Speaking of Hal, can I just tell you what a remarkable man I have been blessed with? He has had more roles put on his shoulders these days. The man is incredible and never stops giving to any of us ever! So the next time you see him make sure you look him in the eye and tell him good job, you rock Hal!
I signed the family up for a support group for families with chronic illnesses. The girls really like it and we are able to learn more about what they are thinking and feeling about mommy's cancer. Zoe came home with a very graphic black and red picture of what my cancer looks like. She really thinks it would look good on one of my photo necklaces. I can see it now...... maybe I can talk her into a self portrait instead. Gracie still keeps the family going by being the clown and keeping everyone laughing. That's it for now. Have a blessed Easter everyone.

I saw Him Today

2009-04-01T16:13:00.002-05:00

Today I saw Jesus a couple hundred times. And I was just taking the girls to school. How does that happen you ask? Well the streets were lined with kids and their parents, with grandparents, and babies, even the easter bunny was there. It was a parade of well wishers for me on my way to the doctor to get the results of my latest PET scan. I well up with tears still thinking about it. As Hal drove slowly down the road and as as I looked at each one of you I saw Jesus. I saw the love He has for me through all of you and I saw the love you all have for me through Him. You strenghthen me with your love and comittment to always be there for me and my family and you never cease to amaze me with the way in which you do it. These past few months have been hard ones, ones when I wake up each day and pray that the next day will be better. All of you make my days a bit brighter and you know just how to lighten my load with your never ending desire to help. Thank you so much!
Okay on to the results of my scans. The lesions in my liver have shrunk and no other cancer is seen else where. We have switched to a different type of chemo as the doctor believes that this one is wearing on me and causing other issues that we don't need. Today I started on adriamycin and cytoxin wich is what I took seven years ago when this whole mess began. Hopefully this will be better tolerated and instead of having bad days and worst days there will be some good and even greater days ahead.
My love and thanks to all of you again for the lovely surprise this morning. Everyone should have a parade. It makes you feel so very special and loved. I love you too and thank God for showing me His love through all of you.

I'm Up I'm Down No, I'm Up Again

2009-03-27T08:08:00.004-05:00

Usually if I don't post on the blog I am feeling too good to sit down and take the time or I am feeling really bad and can't even see the keyboard. This past week or so has been the latter.

I had chemo last Wednesday and I think it was that day that I also caught my cold. The two just don't mix! On top of that I started having some blood pressure problems and was in the ER last Sunday. The chemo makes my BP jump fairly high. I am now on two BP medicines and thus far it has still not come down. I do feel tons better but still pretty tired.
Tomorrow is PET and CT scan day. Please pray that all is shrinking and or all is clear. I will get the results on Wednesday along with my next round of chemo.
It has been a lot of fun wearing my new wig. Some people have to take two or three looks before they realize it's me. Some still just walk right past me in the grocery store. A good friend's husband said that I looked like a "fun gal you'd meet in a bar." I took that as a compliment.
Stay tuned for my test results...... until then have a great week and remember to tell those you love you love them.

Better Days

2009-03-02T13:22:00.005-06:00

Sorry to leave you on my last note and not let you know that I am doing much much better.

The terrible pain I was having whenever I ate or drank is almost totally gone. My doctor decided that my esophagus had been fried by the radiation and began treating me for an ulcer. Within three days my pain was gone. We are also hoping that this is the reason for my persistent cough. The cough has gotten better but still not gone. Perhaps that will just take a bit more time.

I am still fatigued but it seems if I keep busy then I forget about it. My second round of chemo is on Wednesday. I feel like I have been released from prison on a good behavior pass and now it's time to return; so I have been diligently trying to get things done around the house and with other responsibilities that I have.

I have decided to wear a wig this time around. It seems the girls main concern about mommy having cancer is that I lose my hair. But instead of going with something that looks like my hair, I have decided to go red. Yes, so if you are looking for me but only see a foxy red head before you, do not be alarmed it is just my altar ego Roxy. Yes, you may call me foxy Roxy!

My hair should start falling out within the next two weeks (it usually happens after the second treatment).

My oldest brother and his family arrive from Tampa in a week for spring break. We are all super excited to spend some time together and hopefully enjoy this warm weather Kansas City has been having!

2009-02-24T10:52:00.003-06:00

I am not going to sugar coat today BUT i AM GOING TO LET IT ALL OUT..... okay, I didn't even mean to use all caps there it just happened and quite frankly it gets my frustration out even more! My cough is still around and my chest hurts. In addition I now have sort of a weird thing with my esophagus where it hurts to eat or drink the tiniest of anything. when you prevent me from eating and drinking that's it... just shoot me. I really do feel like I am a hypochondriac and that if I can just suffer through the fatigue of chemo my life would be golden. I even screamed at God today and really let him have it. I can't say it made me feel any better, actually a bit worse by being so disrespectful. Anyhow, as I sat here wallowing in pity for myself just wondering what God's plan is for me, how much more? I read today's first reading........

My son, when you come to serve the LORD,stand in justice and fear,prepare yourself for trials.Be sincere of heart and steadfast,incline your ear and receive the word of understanding,undisturbed in time of adversity.Wait on God, with patience, cling to him, forsake him not;thus will you be wise in all your ways.Accept whatever befalls you,when sorrowful, be steadfast,and in crushing misfortune be patient;For in fire gold and silver are tested,and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.Trust God and God will help you;trust in him, and he will direct your way;keep his fear and grow old therein.

You Can Pray For Me Anytime~

2009-02-18T09:47:00.002-06:00

After my initial meeting with my doctor yesterday and repeating the CT, it turns out that there is NO cancer in my lungs after all!!!!! lots of questions as to why but I will take it as another positive reason for massive prayers from all of you. This however did not prevent me from starting chemo yesterday. All along I have had a couple of spots on my liver that have never changed but have now grown slightly in size. As I said, I did start treatment yesterday which is the same regimen I did last time. The chemo is called Abraxane and Avastin for you research gurus. There is no end date but I will receive it every 2 weeks and probably reevaluate with more scans after 6-8 weeks to see if it's killing the little boogers.
For now I still have a cough and shortness of breath most likely due to my paralyzed vocal cord I suffered from radiation back in December. My follow up with the ENT confirmed that the cord is still paralyzed and it is just a wait and see if it will come back on it's own (which will be in three months) or to permanently fix it with surgery.
You know looking back at typing all of this I sound fairly unhealthy. I guess that I am perhaps a bit physically, but spiritually and mentally and emotionally I feel good. All along this journey I continue to look for the good (not to say I don't have really sucky days) but my life must be about being the best that I can be. Even though my best could be better, God gave us this gift to use at all times, in all ways, for all people. Make sure you be the best you can be today!

Good News And Bad news

2009-02-16T08:21:00.002-06:00

Well the good news is that the CT showed the nodes in my neck to be all resolved. The bad news is that the cancer has now progressed into my right lung. we had been treating my cough and shortness of breath as pneumonia for the past three weeks but the CT shows otherwise. I do not know a whole lot as my doctor has been out of town. What I do know is that I will start on chemotherapy tomorrow morning following a meeting with my doctor to go over the results and a descriptive plan of action. This is all I know for now. I will update with more later.
Please continue to pray more.......
Ann

2009-01-15T08:19:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was a follow up with my oncologist to check on how I was doing after radiation and to formulate a plan for what to do next. Thankfully she is giving me a break and letting me recuperate from the radiation treatments. The radiation continues to break down the DNA of the cancer cells for another few weeks and I just started taking my new drugs. Did I tell you that the new drugs are testosterone? Side affects include facial hair and a deepening in the voice. As long as I don't grow anything else I am okay with taking it. We should see results of that within six weeks. A CT of my chest and neck is scheduled for Feb.11th so other than my Boniva (bone hardening drug, yes the one that Sally Field takes) next Tuesday, I am on a cancer hiatus.
I am slowly getting my energy back and doing all of the things I did before except working out. I just haven't had the mind set for that just yet. I have been studying up on breast cancer and nutrition though. I figure we are doing everything medically possible and even that is just treating it and killing it but not making it go away for good. It's my turn to do everything possible to combat these nasty boogers. So of course every book is different but the main culprits seem to be sugar meat and dairy. What else is there left to eat? Actually it hasn't been terribly hard and the girls and I talked about nutrition and how the family needs to make some changes. After reading some books, I have become concerned for their well being as well. Let's face it. Our kids eat crap. Zoe even took a piece of broccoli off my plate and ate it. There is hope after all.
God has been speaking to me through the daily gospel these days and lately I have been asking Him to heal me and cleanse me from this cancer. Before it was always help me with my suffering and praying for peace and comfort but He says that whatever we should ask for we will receive. Today's gospel speaks of a leper being cleansed and while I know that this refers to sinfullness and repentance and how just by asking to be forgiven that he forgives but I can't not think that leprosy is like my cancer in that by asking him to rid me of this that he will.

Mark 40-45
40 And a leper came to him beseeching him, and kneeling said to him, "If you will, you can make me clean."
41 Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him, and said to him, "I will; be clean." but go, show yourself to the priest, and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded, for a proof to the people."

And I have told him that if I am made clean that I will do his will. I will scream on the roof tops as "proof to the people" who God is and how he saves us all. I have said before how blessed I am to have this cancer that it has changed me and Hal for so much good and better. This is how it is for all of us and our crosses. If not for these crosses then we would never get to know who we really are nor who God is. We would never know just how strong we are. We would never appreciate the little things in life or grab hold of the important people God has placed in our path.If you are carrying a cross right now, hold on tight and don't let go of it. As you walk, someone will help you along the way and even carry it for you for a little ways. Let them. And remember how Jesus carried his cross for us.

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T07:56:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year and happy new voice to me! Yes, my voice is back and I no longer have to feel like the close talker from a Seinfeld episode. The procedure was quick painless and a success. Thank you Dr Garnett for using your gifts that God so graciously gave to you. The collagen that he injected into the vocal cord will last about three months and then we will most likely have to repeat the procedure a second time. Hopefully by that time the vocal cord will come back on it's own, but if not there are other options. Today marks number 13 of my treatments. I am beginning to feel the "burn" and itching like a sunburn. Not too bad though.
My energy level is low but my dehydration is much better and I no longer have the dreadful feeling of a dead animal in my mouth. (sorry but that's what it was like).
My left side of my face still feels a bit droopy and my eyes still a bit unfocused but this will all subside as well as it is just left over symptoms from the pressure I had on the nerve.
After radiation I am taking a break. Like I said earlier, we will try a new drug to stop the growth of the cancer cells and then more scans in a couple of months. The chemotherapy killed all the cancer over the summer. This was a miracle as there was quite a bit of areas to cover and in a short time we killed it! Unfortunately we missed a few or it came back. Regardless...... I have stage IV breast cancer. This will not change, I will be forever fighting this dreadful disease until we find a cure. I ask you to please be uplifted and not so darn mopy when you see me. I am not going anywhere anytime soon people this is just another bump in the road for us. Each day since this began has been such a gift to us. Just marveling in what God gives us makes me giggle. He is so good and merciful!
Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him....He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life, He may shorten it; He knows what He is about -- St. John Henry Cardinal Newman

Merry Christmas

2008-12-26T10:54:00.003-06:00

Hello and Merry Christmas to you all!
I hope you are all still marveling in the joy of the season and I hope you are still in your pajamas like we are. It is a balmy 58 degrees here in Kansas and the girls are itching to get on their new razors that Santa delivered.
Hal and I are happy just sitting and enjoying the time. We received the best present of all on Christmas Eve when I woke up and was feeling better. My balance has improved and I don't find myself puttering around as much. The girls and I made our cutout cookies and lots of good stuff for Christmas breakfast. We also had fun making lots of yummies for our special Christmas dinner at the Book house where we were blessed to meet six young nuns here form France. I cannot begin to tell you the impression they left in my heart with their stories of their travels of evangelizing all over the world. The kids especially enjoyed them so and Zoe was quick to get an interview of each of them. Thanks Mike and Sarah for such a special day!
Well our next step is to get my vocal cord fixed. Once again we are blessed by friends who can help us out quickly. Dr. Garnett who is the guru of voice just so happens to be a friend and has gotten me in so quickly. This Monday at 1:00 he will put me under for a short time and inject my cord with a solution that will temporarily get my voice back and improve my swallowing. This will last about three months and then it will be an ongoing process to get the cord back to normal but he is confident it will come back with time.
I have completed nine rounds of radiation and should be done by Jan 5th.
Thank you everyone who has driven me to and from the hospital countless times in not such great weather and for always offering up your time in any way. My love and whole heart goes out to Hal who has taken care of this family over and over again. I always knew he was a gift to me but these days he my lifeline, my rope and he is forever pulling me back in. Please continue to pray for us, for strength and healing and for you we will continue to pray as well.

Nothing Beats Home

2008-12-17T21:49:00.003-06:00

It is so awesome to be home and so comforting to be home with my family. This past week was certainly unexpected and stressful but at the same time gave us some peace and much needed calm to our lives. I am doing well but a bit shaky and uneasy on my feet. I am not sure if it because I have been in bed all week or if it is symptoms from the radiation. Regardless, if you see me lost I know you will all help me find my way back on the right path. I have completed five out of fifteen treatments and should be done by first week in January. I have started on another anti hormonal therapy drug which will be a wait and see if this works kind of thing. I wish I could be more specific with what the plan is but that's the beauty of life, we have no control nor plan, just the peace and trust in God to see us through. I hope you are letting Him see you through your tough days. Not just the trying to catch up with presents and Christmas cards, but the hard times,the crosses that we all bare and are sometimes just too busy to see. Take the time to listen to what you most need right now. I dare you to sit down and look out your window at the beautiful arrangement God has put before you today. Give your crosses to Him and begin a new day!
I can't tell you how overjoyed I was at being able to attend the girl's Christmas show last night.They were so excited and so beautiful and so darn grown up. It was also so nice to see alot of you and be enveloped with so much love and warmth. Thank you over again!

Home Sweet Home

2008-12-16T21:24:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone -- Hal again....

Through the many caring hands God provided over the past days, Ann was well enough to come home tonight! The family was able to sit down together for dinner provided by friends and light the candles on the Advent wreath as we talked about the day's events. I commented that I thought our family had received an early Christmas gift -- Ann coming home. And, that it was about the best gift we could receive. It was then that Grace piped up and said "Except for Jesus being born"...Ann and I smiled and cherished the moment.

So, I type this message of praise and thanks to all who helped us thus far through this journey. There remains 11 additional radiation treatments, recuperation from being in the hospital and whatever else lies ahead but we know that God works all things to good if we cooperate in His plan with each other. It is really an amazing thing to watch God at work through each of you -- please know that you are remembered in our prayers each day.

This was likely my last ghost writing session as I expect Ann to take back over this blog tomorrow and beyond -- this is good news as her humor is much better than mine.

May God bless you.

Bring on the radiation

2008-12-11T15:53:00.002-06:00

Greetings all -

This is Hal -- I'm filling in for Ann today on the blog...

Just the facts:
Ann received her first round of radiation today and the "zapping" takes about 10-15 minutes. A simple in and out. She is doing well after the treatment but does best when she lies flat in bed -- hence my duty on the blog.

The hope and plan is to have a few rounds of the radiation and see the symptoms abate -- a decision regarding discharge from the hospital will depend on progress on the symptoms (lots of pain and pressure in the neck/head/shoulder).

Ann and I continue to be blessed by so many wonderful people that take their time this holiday season to go out of their way to pray for Ann and contribute so many other acts of charity towards our family. Thank you so much from both of us.

A wonderful Advent:
We reflect what a great Advent Season that we are having -- we are able to enjoy this time where things have slowed down for us to reflect on preparing the way for Christmas. Isn't it amazing the way that God can get our attention? We hope that you too are able to simplify and spend time and create wonderful memories for you and yours this season as well.

So, take care and Prepare the Way...

Can You Say Whirl Wind?

2008-12-10T14:22:00.004-06:00

This week did not start out nor is ending the way I had ever planned but then again when do they ever? As I blog, I am sitting in a very comfy bed at the KU Med Center Hospital where I have been since Monday morning. It all started with some scary dizziness and severe pain from the top of my head down to my shoulder all on the left side. For those of you at church last Sunday you may have noticed my personal escort service helping me out to the hall. I became really lightheaded and a little out of it. Thanks to the Bechles and Petersons for acting so quickly and taking such great care of me. Again the entire Sacred Heart community astounds me with their love and devotion to me and my family. I could not have been in a better place to pass out.
Anyhow Hal took me to the ER where they ran some tests, scratched their heads and sent me home. Another episode happened when I was dropping the girls off at school the next morning. Thankfully it occurred after I left. It came on pretty quickly while driving and I pulled over to the nearest street where I quickly called Hal. This time it was really scary and much much worst. Hal was there within 5 minutes and brought along a blood pressure cuff. The docs in the ER told us if it happened again to get my pulse and BP. He couldn't get a reading the first two times but then came up with 80/60 and I was sweating profusely with no relief. We decided the best thing to do was to call the ambulance where they escorted me back to KU ER. This time we got the oncologists called in and started to get the answers we needed. Apparently I have a few tiny tiny lymph nodes hinging on a pretty important nerve that controls the left side of my face neck and shoulder. When the nodes are just in the right position they can cause my bp to decrease and all kinds of other not so fun stuff. I have been in lots of pain, mostly severe headaches and shoulder pain but no more episodes since being admitted. So the plan is to radiate the nodes that are involved to shrink them and release the pressure off that nerve. I start therapy tomorrow and will have fifteen treatments once a day. I should be done by Jan 5th and they believe that by the second or third treatment I should definitely be feeling tons of relief. I will be staying here until at least Friday where they can monitor my symptoms and make sure I am responding.
Now, for those of you who are worried or upset or frustrated. Please don't be. This is not a big deal. As a matter of fact, the doctors say that this is a rare case and quite interesting to them. If it wasn't for the tiny nodes being right on top of that nerve they wouldn't have even taken any action against them. This is just another bump in the road and is not a turn for the worst..
For those of you at school with the girls please give them an extra hug a wink a laugh just to let them know that things are fine. They have been hearing things through classmates and their concerns are up a bit. Hal brought them by last night which gave them relief to see just how mom is doing and what a hospital even looks like. They especially though it was cool to go to the cafeteria and pick out anything they wanted and then eat in bed with me.
Thanks to all of you who call and offer your time to me and the family. I usually say it amazes me at how everyone is so giving but it is just how you are and how you have given your life to Christ and in return live your life as He did.
Thanks to ALL! Love, Ann

Ann Experiments With Drugs

2008-12-04T14:57:00.002-06:00

Tuesday was filled with one scan after another. They looked at everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and thankfully found nothing of concern. Another appointment with the doc Wednesday and then up to the treatment room for my very first dose of an experimental drug they have no idea what will do to me (sounds like I am back in college again). I asked if they gave out special t-shirts to the very few of us who have been "chosen" for the clinical trial but no such luck. The med was uneventful and I was home by 7:30. My love and thanks go out to my wife Sarah for dropping what she had planned on her day off and coming with me. You can always ease my mind and make me laugh even when I am sitting naked in a room with you awaiting the results of some pretty scary tests. Thanks friend!!!
I feel good today and did my usual things. I will be back at the cancer center every two weeks for the treatment until they tell me to stop coming.
To those of you who are concerned. We are doing well. The girls have been informed that a wee little bit of mom's cancer either stuck around after chemo or missed me so much they have come back. They give me extra loving which I will take any day and they remind me of pure acceptance and love no matter if mom's hair looks like a boys'.
Happy Advent to all!
Ann

WOW She's Good!

2008-11-28T15:20:00.004-06:00

Well, perhaps my doctor is not so over the top and yes, she does deserve every bit of salary that she receives. And unfortunately that means that the biopsy did come back as positive for malignant cells. It's unbelievable and a little scary that nothing showed up on any of the scans yet there was in fact something there. So now we regroup and begin a new plan. I have been enrolled in a clinical study of a brand new drug called IMCA12 manufactured by the company Imclone Systems (this is the company that got Martha Stewart in trouble for insider trading). The drug is a monoclonal antibody which targets and blocks a specific type of growth factor receptor on cancer cells which can help cancer cells grow and survive anti hormonal therapies which is what I have been on since my first diagnosis six years ago. Evidently my body has grown resistant to the anti hormonal drugs and we are now going this route. The IMC-A12 can block receptors on tumour cells that may cause tumors to grow. Like I said before this is a brand new drug and has only been available since July and is not approved by the FDA. I have always said that I wanted to help other women who suffer from this dreaded disease and now I can. If this drug proves to be a breakthrough in the advancement of breast cancer then I will be forever grateful for being in the study.
So next week I have to be at the hospital all day doing screening tests which include an MRI of the brain, CT of the abdomen,bone scan, and blood work. I will then begin my treatment on Wednesday. The drug is an IV every two weeks at the cancer center and then I follow up with Dr. Fabian every four weeks. She measured the lymph node in my neck and will continue to measure it throughout treatment. If the node stays the same or shrinks then I will remain on the study. If it begins to grow I am kicked out of the club.
Hal and I pretty shocked to say the least that this node actually came back positive but with everything else, we just kinda go along and take it day by day. The good news is that we are on top of it and it is slow growing. The bad news is that we just can't get rid of it once and for all.
We had a low key Thanksgiving with our friends The Coffmans' and are now decorating the house for Christmas. I am really looking forward to enjoying this Advent season and reflecting on the important things....each other.

Vacation Over

2008-11-18T19:24:00.002-06:00

Well it was back to the dreaded cancer center last Wednesday to find out the results of my CAT scan. There is nothing worst than sitting in a waiting room with no clothes on for an hour. Not to mention on an uncomfortable table with paper sticking to your butt.
Anyhow, the scan came back okay. I say okay because I don't think that my doctor would ever say "everything is perfect, no worries"! There was a tiny tiny node that showed up and I was all but on my way until I mentioned that I was having pain in that some area. Then I was whisked off to get an MRI of my chest and neck and then the next day back in for another CT of my neck. The story is that I am still suffering from pain in my shoulder and it has now turned into nerve pain in my neck. When I wake up in the morning I have to pop a few Advil and workout (move around a bit) before the pain subsides. My doctor feels my left lymph node to be hard (which is where my nerve is). And even though the scans are clear, she still wants me to go in for a biopsy of that node this Thursday. I appreciate her thoroughness and trust her exclusivly but I feel the biopsy is a bit much. She deserves every bit of her paycheck if indeed there is something in that node! We will meet up again the day before Thanksgiving to find out what the next plan of action will be.Please continue to pray for me and my family.

Ohh The Waiting

2008-09-17T21:11:00.002-05:00

Today was my return visit to the doctor. We started at 9:00 and got home at 1:30. I started with lab draws, a visit with my oncologist and then off to the treatment room to get my bone hardening iv. The results of my CAT scan were clear and my PET scan showed a bit of activity. A little lesson on what these tests are...... the CT scan is a very detailed invasive look at my body where a PET scan looks at metabolic activity. They inject a glucose material in my IV.Cancer cells are very active and "light up"when they are happy on the PET scan. Activity is assigned an SUV number.The higher the SUV number, the more likely there is cancer present. A high SUV number is in the 20-30 range. Mine was 3. My doctor seems to think that this number could be caused by the drugs that I am taking. Just to be sure we will repeat the scans in six weeks.
While this is not super great news, it is good news and I feel so blessed to be watched so closely by such a great team of doctors. I have to tell you that I was so saddened and helpless seeing so many people walk in and out of that office today. I did a lot of praying that's for sure! It was such a relief to get out of there and breathe in the beautiful weather we have been having.
The girls are getting accustomed to school. They are still so tired and at each other come dinner time. I am enjoying my free time by getting my jewelry business back up and going and by cleaning out all the closets and drawers that I have been shoving crap into for the past eight years. My friend Tawnya from Florida will be here and I will spend the whole weekend with her. I am so looking forward to enjoying our time together and not having a care in the world like the good ol' days.
Our love to all. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

2008-08-28T16:08:00.002-05:00

People have been asking me what has been going on with me lately, that I haven't blogged in a while. Well the truth is I have been enjoying what is left of the summer. Since I started feeling better it has been just time spent with the girls and Hal. We did end up going to Colorado to see my family. It was a great trip and good to see everyone. Our next trip was to Lake of the Ozarks along with some other families. The girls loved the lake and the condo we stayed in. Thanks Gwen and Ryan for your generosity. Even with me being so sick most of the summer, I honestly have to say that this was the best summer ever. We just had so much fun hanging out and not having to be anywhere. School started back this week and Grace started kindergarten. She absolutely loves it and was so ready. After I dropped them off I came home and just sat in the silence. I have been feeling good. My joint pain still bothers me but not to the degree that it limits me. I have started working out again and have put some weight on. Hal says I no longer look so frail. I go in for another PET scan on sept 10th with a follow up with the doctor on the 17th. I hate the fact that as the date approaches I start to think that the cancer could be back. If it does we'll beat it up again that's all. Can't think like that anyhow, too much of life to live and enjoy. Please continue to pray for us and for all those who suffer each day.
As Hannah Montana would say..... "Life's what you make it so let's make it rock". Love to all!

2008-07-17T09:01:00.002-05:00

I saw my doctor yesterday and we discussed my next plan of action. I will go on a new anti hormonal drug which I will take everyday, go in to the cancer center monthly for an iv drug called zometa which is used to harden my bones and hopefully prevent any more spread of cancer. I will have another PET scan in two months to see how this new treatment is doing and then a PET scan every three months for the next year. That's it! Praise God!
I am feeling better, doing more but trying not to over do which is hard because I have been laying on this couch or in my bed for so long that I just want to go. There is plenty of time for that but for now the girls and I are just chilling together and getting caught up on things.
Although it has been agonizing, my cancer has brought me closer to Jesus. There is no better place to get to know our king then on your knees my friends. People have asked me how I can have so much faith with everything our family has been through. Don't get me wrong,of course I have questioned my faith at times but then I remember how much God must truly love me to allow all these miraculous things good and bad to make me into who I am today.
On another not so far off note..... Hal and I were driving last week and I saw someones vanity tag read Psalm 91. Neither Hal nor I could recall what it was so he looked it up and here is what I leave you with. Isn't it awesome how He even speaks to us on licence plates!
PSALM 91 1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.2 This I declare about the Lord:He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;he is my God, and I trust him.3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease.4 He will cover you with his feathers.He will shelter you with his wings.His faithful promises are your armor and protection.5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,nor the arrow that flies in the day.6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,nor the disaster that strikes at midday.7 Though a thousand fall at your side,though ten thousand are dying around you,these evils will not touch you.8 Just open your eyes,and see how the wicked are punished.9 If you make the Lord your refuge,if you make the Most High your shelter,10 no evil will conquer you;no plague will come near your home.11 For he will order his angelsto protect you wherever you go.12 They will hold you up with their handsso you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.I will protect those who trust in my name.15 When they call on me, I will answer;I will be with them in trouble.I will rescue and honor them.16 I will reward them with a long lifeand give them my salvation.”

DONE!!!

2008-07-06T08:51:00.002-05:00

Well, I went in for my last treatment last Thursday and they told me my counts were too low and that I could not have treatment that day. I pleaded saying it was mt last one but after looking at my white blood cell count, it was pretty evident that it wasn't happening. They gave me another shot in the arm to boost my counts up and I was on my way. The good news is that I don't have to make up the treatment, I am officially done. The bad news is the shot has given me joint and bone pain, really bad headaches, and I am having trouble sleeping. I love to sleep and just cannot get my mind to rest and get a good deep sleep which leaves me in a trance all day. I am not sure how long this is supposed to last but just keep praying that it is soon. It will probably be another month before I get my energy back and another two before my hair starts to grow back. God has a plan, this I know but I keep pleading with Him to just let me get back to my old self again. In time I know I will get there, for now I will just continue to learn more and be amazed about life, God, family, and friends.

One More To Go!

2008-06-30T15:52:00.003-05:00

My counts were up and I was able to have chemo last week. I never thought I would ever pray that I could have chemo, but that's exactly what I was doing. I was afraid that my cold would bring my counts down even more which would make the docs say my body wasn't up for chemo and then I would have to postpone until this week. My counts were really good and the pee scare turned out to be no big deal. So this Thursday will be my LAST treatment. The thought of that is what gets me through these days. I expect it will take some time before my energy returns completely just as long as I can start playing with the girls and making the rest of their summer really fun. Of course they are real troopers and with the help of all of you have been enjoying their vacation. I am thinking about taking them to Colorado at the end of the month to visit my family but that will be a last minute decision based on how I am felling and if I can handle driving 10 hours with my little beauties.
Our Relay for Life was a great success and as usual very emotional. We raised as of today $141,000. Thanks especially to the Giving Girls team who were formed in my honor and consist of all my friends and their kids. You guys rock and are so impressive with how much you care about others and can come up with the greatest ideas on how to take care of them. I love you guys!

2008-06-24T09:30:00.002-05:00

The first of three more treatments was last Thursday. My blood counts were still really low and so I had to do a round of shots to boost my counts up. I also had protein in my urine which is an indicator of kidney problems so they gave me a jug to pee in for the next 24 hours and I spent the weekend at the cancer center getting my shots. The one chemo I get is known for causing possible kidney problems so they held off on giving me that one. No news on the pee yet, I guess I will get those results on Thursday when I return for round two of chemo. I had been feeling pretty good up till last Saturday when I got a cold so feeling tired and achy from that.
Not much new to report. I see my doctor in a few weeks and we will find out the plan of action then. I have a feeling I will be having PET scans fairly often for the next year or so. I did ask my doctor what I could do to prevent my cancer from coming back. Her reply was that there is no magic wand Ann.Wouldn't that be great if they could wave a magic wand over my body that would tell me exactly what it is that causes my cancer. Wouldn't it be great if it was something like housework, or eating broccoli? Not that easy unfortunately.
This Friday is our Relay for Life. I am hoping to make it till the luminary ceremony because it is always such an emotional time to remember all of those who have suffered from cancer. If you are local, I encourage you to come on out to the Bonner track as it is such a great time for all and raises so much money and awareness for such an awful disease.
Until I get more news, everyone have a great day and rest of the week.

WE DID IT!

2008-06-12T08:22:00.002-05:00

It is only by the grace from God and the love and prayers from you that I am elated to tell you that my cancer is gone. Yes, GONE!!!! The PET scan says "Resolution within the sternum and neck consistent with positive response to therapy by the patient's known breast cancer." My prayers were always directed at the cancer to respond to the chemo and perhaps shrink the amount of cells involved, but never did I expect total resolution this quickly. After a bit of negotiation with the doctor,the next step is to complete one more round of chemo (equal to three more weeks), then maintain treatment with oral medications to combat estrogens in my body.

It is because of the deep faith and love you all have given to me and my family that has held us up and God has heard you and has healed me. Before I received the results of the scan, I began a pity fit for my self. I glanced over at my wedding picture and began to cry. Hal had no idea what he was getting himself into that's for sure. For better for worst for richer and poorer in sickness and in health. Here I was bald and sick and on the verge of having a good cry but I felt something in me say don't go there, get up, I will help you. As I got my shower ready the phone rang.It was my nurse telling me to break open the wine. The scans were clear. Obviously that something in me was Jesus. He has always been with me and will continue to hold me up as my life will always be a continuous roller coaster, always waiting for the next result of a scan, always uncertain of what's to come. My life really is no different from anyone else's though. Aren't we all on some sort of roller coaster? Don't we all have crosses to carry? I guess that's why I share with you my cross. My hope is that I can help someone else find Christ and see the greatness that he does for us everyday. Not just the big things like heal us from deadly diseases but even things like fear uncertainty or depression. Get down on your knees and ask Him to help you.
Not only have I heard Him, I have seen Him through all of you. When you come to clean my house deliver a meal or see me out and about and give me a hug. When you show up at my door and take my kids for a few hours so I can rest or take the time to pray for me, that's Christ in you.
Thank you for letting Him in and doing His work. Thank you for your unselfish desire to always be there for the Schierts family. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

2008-06-05T10:21:00.002-05:00

The last two weeks have been my worst yet. My energy level has been low and I cannot get enough sleep. It is a terrible feeling to take a nap and feel just as fatigued as when you laid down. Damn chemo! As I write this I am sitting in the treatment room awaiting my chemo cocktail. My red and white blood cell counts are very low which accounts for my fatigue. This will be the last of this cycle which marks the half way point. Three months down three to go. Tomorrow I will go in for my PET and CT scans but will not get the results until next Wednesday when we meet with the doctor. Please say extra prayers that the tumors are shrinking and that I can retain my energy.
Much love and gratitude go out to my lovely ladies who made my birthday not pass by with out a little fun. Thank you for the great gifts and for the fun night at the movies. I feel like I should apologize for my lack of spunk but I know that you guys understand.
Even more love goes out to my husband as he has taken on the role of mom and dad. It saddens me that I cannot do most of what I used to not not only because what I do has somehow defined who I am, but also because he now has to carry the load for the family.Of course he does it with a smile and always a kiss on the top of my bald head. He does have a lot of help from all of you guys too. We are so blessed to have help with housekeeping, meals, and childcare.
That's all for now. Remember to kiss your kids and spouse today!

Schools Out

2008-05-28T14:35:00.002-05:00

This is the first week that school has been out and I am just waiting to hear the kids tell me that they are bored. It has been nice to slow the pace down and especially nice not to have to get up early and get out the door. Judith (Hal's mom) has been here for two weeks and has been keeping the girls busy while I nap or go here and there for appointments. Thanks Judith. My mom arrives next week and will stay less than a week and then we are off to Minnesota to visit the Schierts clan. Isabella, I cannot wait to see your new purple room.
Sorry my blog entries become fewer and fewer but it does take energy for me, energy I am very much so lacking. Last weeks visit to the doctor was good. She says I look much better and I have gained a couple of pounds (thanks to DQ blizzards). I am scheduled for PET and CT scans for June 6th to see if the chemo is doing what it is supposed to be doing.. zapping the cancer. Please please pray that the cancer has shrunk and that the chemo is working.
Last week's treatment left me wiped out. I have been sleeping much better and seem to not be able to get enough even though I get9-10 hours a night and naps daily. Routine chores leave me tired and I have to sit down quite a bit as standing for long periods leave me a bit dizzy.
Even having conversations leave me exhausted so if you call me and I am not chatty, please do not take offense as it is the evil chemo poison which circulates throughout my body. Those closest to me have realized when Ann is feeling good she makes her round of phone calls to check on everyone.
Today, I decided I was ready for hair to start growing back, ready for the treatments to end, I am ready for life to be filled with energy, love, laughter, and long conversations but then I remembered that those are the things I want and that whatever I or anyone else is to learn from me, from this illness, has not yet been achieved. God only knows what lies ahead for me and it is His plan for now. I thought the other day how I am either praising God by telling him thank you for this or that or I am asking for His mercy to help me get through another day. It made me smile because then I thought, it's nice to talk to Him everyday. I didn't do that before, I was too busy. Another Deep Thought by Ann.
Anyhow, another kick cancer butt day tomorrow and again next Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

My Pink Can

2008-05-18T08:25:00.002-05:00

What an emotional week it has been for the Schierts family. Grace graduated from preschool on Friday. Her ceremony took place after mass where they wore their cap and gowns and received their diplomas. Afterwards the graduates put on a musical extravaganza and then presented me with a gift. Not only was I surprised but BLOWN AWAY at what they gave me. Those little people (all four classes) made me a can. The can is adorned in pink fabric with beautiful pom poms and a beautiful butterfly sits on top. As if the can wasn't enough, those sweet little preschoolers along with the Sacred Heart community were raising money for the Schierts family for the past few months. They had bake sales, garage sales and took donations. On the day of graduation, each one of the preschoolers approached me with a wad of bills and stuffed them into the can. The smiles on their faces told me the story of how proud they were of themselves for helping Grace's mom, for having Jesus in their heart, and for being part of something that really made them feel good. What a day it was. Thank you seems like such a small gesture to you Ms.Megan, Ms.Michelle, you are such beautiful women who give your heart and soul to our children and teach them more than just their letters and colors but about love. To Leigh Ann for opening your heart and garage and spending so much time on the garage sale. To all those anonymous people who made donations to the can, thank you thank you. Zoe's first grade class teachers and parent's were just as sneaky it seems. I just got back from visiting their class and they presented me with more generosity. It seems they have contributed to my house cleaning fund which will pay for the rest of the summer. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this. Our friend Penny and Denice have so graciously come to our home and cleaned from top to bottom. It has been such a God send for us as it takes so much energy for me to do much around the house.
You all have blessed us with such love, compassion ,and generosity. I have learned so much about the power of prayer and how it can make not only me stronger, but our entire community.
Thank you Mrs Gardner and Jes for being two of the finest people I know. I have learned more from you then you know and my daughter is a better person because of your love of your job and the example that you lead. We love you so much! Tears tears and more tears of gratefulness!!!!!!

I am doing well this week and enjoyed my week off from chemo. The Police concert was so much fun! Thank you Erin and Mark for inviting us. Sarah and I had a day of shopping and lunch. I think the best part of that was the lunch. We just sat and talked. something we haven't done in months either because there are children running around or I am just too tired.
Today I went back in for an echo on my heart. The unofficial word is that it looks much much much better. Way to go prayer warriors!
Wednesday is the beginning of the next round of chemo. Bring it on I say!!!!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T15:14:00.003-05:00

This has been one of the longest Springs I can remember since I've lived in KC. It's 60 and sunny today, a bit chilly with the wind but we have had a great Mothers Day thus far. It started out with a massage from the whole family followed by breakfast. Since then we have just enjoyed looking at old pictures and relaxing on the back deck watching the girls swing. Oh, it's so nice that they can finally pump their legs and not require a push every ten seconds.
My second month of six treatments came and went this past Thursday. Thanks and love to Amy and Deb who escorted me the last two weeks. As usual, I was able to get caught up on what was going on in their lives and actually listen to what they were saying. I have been keeping up with the acupuncture and now go the day before chemo. I have been thinking that my days following chemo have gotten easier because of the acupuncture and while that may be true, I know the real reason is because of the tremendous amount of prayers that are being said for me.
My shoulder pain has improved significantly as well and I am sleeping better. If it wasn't for this cancer thing I'd say I was healthy!!!!! It is amazing how we take our health for granted.
Many of us who are struggling with an illness tend to see it as a strong clarifier. It clarifies the importance of life, family, a beautiful day, or the way your daughter says Happy Muders Day.
Don't let it get to the point of an illness or some other suffering for you to take the time to thank God for everything.
This week I am off from chemo and plan on enjoying it by seeing the Police concert with some great friends and by watching Gracie graduate from preschool on Friday. Lots of tears for sure!!!
Dr. Fabian had made mention that we would do more scans after two months of treatment so I guess that will occur in the coming weeks. Keep those prayers coming and ask that the cancer is responding! I love you all and wish all of you mothers a glorious day.

2008-04-28T13:52:00.002-05:00

Last Wednesday I returned to the dreaded cancer center. After having almost two weeks off I actually caught myself acting feeling and thinking like "what cancer"? but just like a great vacation from work or school it was back to work on kicking some cancer butt.
This last appointment was a long one as I have to see my doctor and check in with her. She basically has to look at my labs and me to make sure I am hanging in there. I must say, she is usually one that doesn't beat around the bush so that when she told me I have lost too much weight and looked dehydrated I knew I better start eating and drinking more. Much love to my friend Diane who waited out the day with me and was not timid in the least to get me good pain drugs so that I can sleep. Thanks Diane, I had so much fun with you and cannot believe how the day just flew by. I paused many times in that chemo room praising God for the laughter and obvious presence of the Holy Spirit. Even when I thought the nurses were going to have to call security on you and Hal. You have a way about you that comforts me and reminds me that things are going to be okay. You are a true angel and I love you dearly!
Diane is not the only outward reminder that I have of God's love and true concern for me. Last night Linda had a scarf party for me where everyone brought a yard of fabric to make a hat with. The room was filled with so many women whom I love so much and I cannot begin to express my gratitude for who you are to me and my family. Thank you all for the beautiful material and fun night. Thank you Linda for opening your home to us and for always trying to figure out another way to make my life easier and better. I love you.
Hal's mom Judith will be arriving on May 15th to stay with us off and on during the summer. What a blessing she will be to me and the girls. Don't forget to pack your bathing suit grandma!
While I am on the subject, big love to Robin, Terry, and Timmay. We had such a great time on our weekend together. It is so great how we can just pick up where we left off and never have blink. I will see you again very soon!
My week off was great. I have learned that as long as I get good sleep, it makes a tremendous difference in how I feel DUH! The last 3-4 nights I have slept great (thanks Diane) and come Friday (2 days after treatment) while I could feel the chemo hit me, I was still able to do a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher and not be attached to the couch or bed.
My week consists of PT on Tuesday, acupuncture on Wednesday and chemo on Thursday.
PT continues to strengthen me and I can really see results. Acupuncture really helped me with digestion last week. He gave me an extra needle in the stomach and immediately my appetite returned.
As always, thank you for your prayers. It is an unbelievable feeling to know that so many people are praying for us and it really makes a difference. God's plan is working, it is working through each one of us. Keep it going.

Bald Is Beautiful

2008-04-14T17:59:00.002-05:00

I couldn't stand it any longer. The hair had to go so we made it into a little party. Each kid and even some friends got a chance to cut a piece of my hair before Hal shaved it all off. All of the kids were so fearless and accepting of what was going on. I guess that is what Jesus means to be childlike. Look at things as a child does, with love and acceptance. Just when do we lose those traits?
Thanks to everyone who attended and thank you so much for your support and love. Thanks especially to Kathy Minor for coming over on a moments notice to take some great pictures. I love you Kathy!
This will be short as Grace has been sick and now Hal has caught it. The Schierts family could use a good night sleep tonight!
One last note, I mentioned earlier in my blog that Blingspirations was having a jewelry party at Heidi's tomorrow evening. This has been cancelled as I am embracing my truthfulness and the truth is I just don't have the energy.
Ann

What aSurprise

2008-04-11T21:29:00.003-05:00

Well, just when we thought things couldn't surprise us! I had my bags packed and the girls taken care of overnight, but God had his own plans it turns out. My echocardiogram showed that the fluid had shrunk form 1.1 cm to .8 in a week and there was no reason to do an extraction. The power of prayer really does work or perhaps Jesus didn't like the thought of being sucked up by a needle from my heart and decided to take up residence somewhere else. Anyhow, I was free to go but will be watched closely form here on out. The doctor does not think that this amount of fluid can account for any fatigue or shortness of breath. The chemo can take full responsibility for that. Anyhow, I plan on taking the next two weeks off and relaxing with good friends and a good bottle of wine! Depending on how I feel this Sunday, all are welcome to come over to the house. I thought it would be fun for all the kids to take a whack at cutting my hair and voting on the best hairdo. After that we could shave it all off. How many opportunities does a child have at cutting someone else's hair?
Please continue to pray for us. We can feel it! Love to you all,
Ann

One Month Down!

2008-04-10T15:47:00.002-05:00

My last treatment in this first cycle is done. I have two weeks off from chemo now so will not have to return until April 23rd. My doctor has said that would stay this course for six months so only five more to go! For those of you who have been asking, the chemo I am on is Avastin and Abraxane. I get the Abraxane one times a week for three weeks with one week off and the abraxane every other week with one week off. Today's treatment was just as uneventful as the past. Uneventful as no reactions to the drugs, no problems accessing my port you know medical stuff. Linda went with me this time and we got a little bit of Relay For Life work done. I think she was glad to have my attention as I have not been the best at checking e mails and attending meetings. Thanks Linda for always knowing what I can handle and always lifting the load for me. Linda has also brought to my attention that I am not being truthful in my blog. Yes, I am a farce.
See how she knows me? I am sure I am not fooling anyone else out there either! Thanks Linda, only a true friend could tell someone on their way to chemo, "hey tell the people the truth not what they want to hear". So here it goes. I am not doing well. I am tired all the time. I am frustrated that I cannot be a good mom, I am mad that this is my life!!!!!!!!!!
Ughh, and my hair is falling out! Ok, I feel better now. Actually I do feel better. God sent Marisue and Diane a little whisper to call me, I needed them. Marisue thanks for reminding me that it's okay that I don't get out of my pajamas until noon some days. So what? I don't have to be anywhere. Diane reminded me (for those who are reading A New Earth) that it is important for me to live in the present even though the present sucks. That this is my life right now and is here before me just like any other part of my life to learn something. While I can still count the months down before chemo will be done or the cancer will be gone, I must live today and make today count even if I feel like crap. Thanks Marisue and Diane.
As I stated earlier, my hair is falling out. I did my usual pull on the hair test and lots came out. It looks like a head shaving party is in our midst perhaps this weekend. For those of you who are local, I ask that you talk to your kids about Mrs. Schierts sudden haircut, since it is sudden and pretty weird.
More news that we got yesterday is that they are going to drain the fluid around my heart tomorrow. I requires an overnight stay in the hospital so that they can monitor my heart. It also entails them sticking a long needle under my rib cage into the peritoneal cavity and extracting the fluid. For those of you that watch ER this is that same cool thing they do when someone has had a massive heart attack and the fluid has really built up and is life threatening and they stick the needle in their heart without any anesthesia. Anyhow, I should be home on Saturday sometime.
I am really excited about my great friends Terry and Robin coming into town next week. Zoe and Grace are really excited as they love to hear old stories about mom.
Thanks to all of you for the prayers, cards, meals, childcare and calls. They really keep me going and remind how much we are loved.
Ann

She's Up She's Down

2008-04-06T17:03:00.002-05:00

My treatment was on Thursday and I started feeling it this time on Friday. Thank goodness Hal's parents were here to sweep the girls off after school and take them out for some spoiling. Saturday also had me either on the couch or in bed and then half of today (Sunday) while I was still tired, I was feeling much better and then by end of the day even took a walk with the girls.

So, it looks like I can depend on 2 1/2 days of feeling awful and 4 days of feeling semi human.

My thanks to Heidi for bringing me to treatment last week. I love the fact that we can talk about anything at anytime and obviously anywhere! I love you and am so thankful for your help and constant care for me and my family. Another huge hug and bowing down to two friends Lori and Kelly who finished the St. Louis marathon on Sunday. Your endurance, strength, commitment and craziness amazes me. Lori even called me in the middle of it (can you believe that she could talk)? and told me she was thinking of me. I know how much pain she must have been in yet took the time to call. That gave me such strength for the remainder of the day. Thanks friend!
It is a dreary rainy day in Kansas but the sun is still shining for the KU fans. Rock Chalk Jayhawks. It's a good day to get caught up on mundane chores and snuggle with Grace.
I have treatment on Thursday and another echo cardiogram on Friday. These are getting tiresome and hope they can end soon.
For those of you locals, I am having a Blingspirations party at Heidi's house next Wednesday. I haven't been taking orders due to my lack of energy but this will be a fundraiser for our Relay for Life team. So stop over and take a look at my photo jewelry as I have a few new pieces.
That's it for now. Sorry for the lapse in blogging but you would be amazed at how much energy it sometimes takes to type.
It is such a great feeling to have so many prayers being said for me and my family. Keep it up, He hears you! Be good to one another......
The Lord sends us tribulation and infirmities to give us the means of paying the immense debts we have contracted with Him. Those who have good sense receive them joyfully, for they think more of the good which they derive from them than of the pain they experience on account of them.
-- St Vincent Ferrer

Spoke Too Soon

2008-03-30T15:54:00.003-05:00

Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon about feeling so great, but maybe also too I overdid it yesterday. Perhaps it was Grace's soccer game at 8:20am in the tundra of Kansas that did me in, but I got hit hard with a headache and was on the couch the rest of the day. This morning after 13 hours in bed I could have slept another 10 but forced myself out and down the stairs. By the time we were getting ready for church I thought I wouldn't make it but felt God's presence telling me that I could. I did make it and had such a wonderful time being with Him. I felt Him so strongly today and it was an added bonus that it was Divine Mercy Sunday. The second reading especially made me smile and cry at the same time...
1 Peter 1: 3 - 9
who by God's power are guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
It's all about having faith and trust. Unfortunately we all must suffer trials in our lives, or be tested by fire but it gives me such joy to know that it is not wasted or of no use to me or anyone else. Suffering doesn't just happen for no reason, it happens for your salvation. I can actually be responsible for helping someone go to heaven. If that is not accomplishing something I don't what is. How many of us would love to get just one thing accomplished in our day? I've also realized that it' s not just in our sufferings that we can obtain salvation but it's in our actions. Our goal or perhaps question each day when we wake up in the morning is "How can I bring someone to God's Kingdom today"? How can I let go of my needs and help someone else? How can I serve?
Okay, sorry to go on like that but like I said, I felt God 's presence today and I can never stay quite about that!
The rest of the week includes another echocardiogram tomorrow, two more rounds of PT, an acupuncture treatment (really excited about this) and chemo. Having cancer really is a full time job! Hal's parents arrive on Thursday which will give me time to rest. We are all excited about Zoe doing the reading at all school mass on Friday. She is so excited but also nervous. I really don't think she will even need to bring the reading up to the altar with her as she should have it memorized by now!
Another big hug and abundant thanks to all of you who are wanting to help our family. The amount of love is overwhelming and so appreciated! Thanks to Sarah and Linda for revamping my calendar and "taking over". Everyone have a fabulous week and remember to help someone get to the kingdom today! Love, Ann

One Great Day

2008-03-28T08:13:00.003-05:00

You probably think that I didn't have chemo yesterday judging by the title of this blog. But it truly was a great day. I finally started physical therapy yesterday and most definitely felt the presence of Jesus through my therapist. When my doctor suggested PT I admit I thought that all they would do is make me move my shoulders and hips until I screamed but that was not the case. My therapist knew exactly what to do and was able to get my shoulder to raise almost 90 degrees. Before I couldn't even put my jacket on. That doesn't mean that I am able to that this morning however, I do feel the difference and am feeling so much better just knowing there will be an end to this pain!

Chemo went as planned and didn't take as long as we expected. Thanks Sarah for coming again. And thank you Hal for always putting me first and surprising me with just what I need at the time I need it. You never cease to amaze me with your devotion and unselfishness to me and our girls. Thank You. I love you.

Anyhow, this morning I was starving and feel as though I could even jump on the treadmill (don't worry Hal I won't). I take this as great news and a reason to scream Alleluia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll take it easy and will follow the rules I promise.

Next week I go in for another echo cardiogram. The frequency of these should start slowing down unless the amount of fluid has increased. My blood pressure has been running high lately and it could be due to the fluid. If he were to remove it I am sure that would end my fatigue and weakness as well.
Thank you brother Tim for your post. I like to be reminded that God has a plan for me and for my salvation and not just for me but all of you as well.
Have a great day! Ann

Ready! Set! Come Back Tomorrow

2008-03-27T08:16:00.002-05:00

It was a long day at the Cancer Center yesterday. First to the lab to access my new port which was NO FUN. I am still pretty tender since they just put it on Monday, so when they come at you with a big needle and put it right where it is sore, ya tend to jump a bit. The good news is they were successful and the chemo nurse can now use the same spot without sticking me again.
An hour in between was a nice lunch break. Sarah came with me and spent the day keeping me smiling. After lunch it was on to meet with my doctor. She was swamped as usual and way behind so we ended up waiting quite a long time. When I did finally see her we talked about my pain. She remains stumped as to why I am still in such dire pain. She plans to contact the arthritis doctor again and talk about possible cortisone shots in the joints. She made mention that she doesn't think that the pain is from the drug I was taking but possibly from the tumours themselves. I really doubt that since the onset of the pain began when I started taking the drug. I just have to believe that the pain will disappear at some point. I do start physical therapy today so I am hoping that it will help somewhat.
Well, by the time we got to the infusion room for my chemo it was already 4 o' clock and too late to start. It would take three hours to infuse and by that time everyone would be gone home.
So we have rescheduled for today at 2. I think the nurse was ready for me to complain and give her a hard time but the reality is everything happens for a reason and the good lord was helping me out in some way.
Thank you Sarah and mom and dad for arranging your schedule around me. Thank you all who are jumping in and offering to pick up the girls and get them to where they need to go. I have said it before and I will continue to praise our wonderful Sacred Heart community for your unselfish love and devotion to our family.
Take the time today to slow down, be still for a moment and give thanks for the many blessings that you have.

Mom's got a Big Boo Boo

2008-03-25T12:20:00.002-05:00

Grace was impressed with the bandage on my chest and thought I deserved to watch what I wanted to on TV.

The procedure was pretty uneventful and I was home by 11 am. I am still very tired and am laying here with Grace because she woke up at 5 am with the stomach flu. Yuck!

Thank goodness I have the world's best husband as he took care of her needs so that I could sleep. Tomorrow will be my first round of chemo. People ask me how I'll do. The answer is I have no idea. Only time will tell.

Thanks to all of you for helping our family. All of the meals, childcare, inspirational cards, letters, and e mails are all such blessings to us and we so appreciate you!

Another Day at KU

2008-03-21T17:43:00.002-05:00

I had another echo cardiogram on my heart today. No change fromlast week but he would like to keep an eye on it still so I will have another next week. The fluid remains but has not increased. I like to think of it like my sweet Sarah does. "Think of the fluid as being Jesus, then your heart will be surrounded by Jesus". Thank you Sarah for your continued optimism and smile. You always make me feel better!
The plan of action continues as planned. Monday morning back to KU for a port placement in my chest. This will be helpful as they will not have to stick me with a needle each time.
Wednesday will be my first chemo treatment. I am not sure what to expect this time around but I am ready to do what I always do in a difficult situation.. roll up my sleeves, close my eyes and start swinging.
You may have noticed that I attached a note to this blog with Sarah and Linda's e mail addresses. My lovely ladies have volunteered to coordinate my calendar. Mypinkcalendar was created by a local gal who wanted to create an organizational tool for families in need of help during an illness. In order to view my calendar you have to be signed up on the site. Sarah and Linda will get you started and guide you through the process. Thanks you friends!
Happy good Friday everyone and a glorious Easter.

Round 2 Ready For The Fight

2008-03-15T17:05:00.002-05:00

Some of you know that my breast cancer came back in October of 2007. We were shocked at the news and just like last time prepared to fight. Although the cancer is not in my other breast, the little demons are in several lymph nodes behind my chest wall and in my sternum. They are fueled by estrogens that still remain in my body even though I had a partial hysterectomy when I had Grace. Since October we have been able to control the cancer with anti hormonal meds. The meds however were hard to handle as they gave me severe arthritis in all of my joints. I've been off the drug for over two months now but the pain remains. Last week my PET scans showed that though the nodes in my chest were shrinking, the sternum was not responding to the meds. It's time for me to attack with chemo. I really did not want to do chemo again but it's not a choice at this time. The plan is six months of chemo. I will get a port a cath put in my chest on March 24th and have my first chemo treatment on March 26th. The plan is to have weekly treatments for three weeks with one week off. I saw a cardiologist last week because the PETis showing increased fluid around my heart. I had an echo cardiogram that confirmed this. Another one is scheduled for next week to see if it continues to rise.If so, they will have to extract it via a needle. You may remember that I have been having severe pain in my joints due to the oral meds I was taking last fall. Well, fluid is showing up on my joints as well so the fluid around my heart could also be due to the Femara drug I was on.

Zoe and I talked this morning about mom being bald. She cried because she thought mommy would look weird. This broke my heart but then we talked about how we love people because of how they are on the inside. She perked up a bit when she came up with the idea that I could wear her Hannah Montana wig. My hope is to let the girls be a part of the head shaving ceremony and make light of the situation.
I will let you know what the cardiologist has to say whenI see him on Friday.

Ann